Shnookums' revenge
10:58 UK time, Wednesday, 14 February 2007
Tell your loved one why you don't do Valentine's Day.
Two years ago, to mark St Valentine's Day, the Monitor launched "Shnookums' Challenge" - an invitation to fly in the face of all those unctous Valentine's Day messages and tell your most dearest how little you care.
Now Shnookums is back, and more than a little disappointed with the rampant commercialism, not to say cliche-ism, of Valentine's Day. After all, if you love someone to the ends of the earth, shouldn't you be lavishing them with flowers and chocolates every day of the year? Trouble is, what would Mrs Shnookums say?
So, Monitor readers are invited to come up with credible explanations for their loved ones on why they are opting out of Valentine's Day this year. Send us your entry using the comments button below and we'll publish our favourites throughout the day.
Comments
Dearest
I care so much about the energy costs of growing roses, the food miles the romantic dinner would have travelled, and whether or not the chocolate is fairly traded that I have no time left to care about you.
Pushkin. To celebrate our love, I have donated £2-95 to Hallmark to obtain some recycling materials. Here also are some confections designed to assist you in putting on weight and/or developing spots. I have also obtained some dying plant materials specially shipped in by air from somewhere abroad. And to top it all - this message!!
"Let's face it love, you only married me for my money and I know you wouldn't want me to squander it on cheap tat."
1. The man playing the guitar was in a railway company's livery - this really put me off.
2. I'm sorry darling, flowers aren't really up to scratch are they. They just age quickly and die. I didn't think you'd like to be reminded of this.
3. Chocolates just make you fat. Then you'd get depressed, eat more choclolate. I'm thinking of you by not giving you anything.
4. It's more ethical to show my love at home.
Darling
In recent years I have gone through the card retailers brainwashing and right out the other side into a card purchasing vacuum.
In order to retain a small amount of interest in Christmas and your birthday, I have been forced to give up Father's day, Grandparent's day, Teacher's day, carer's day, colleagues day, bosses day, and sadly, valentine's day. I know you understand as you are in fact a step ahead of me in the vacuum, having seemingly given up our wedding anniversary.
Babe,
I was going to send you a card and present for Valentines Day, but then I realised that I'm actually attracted to a colleague and not you and am now going out on our first date tonight, that I decided that "I hate you and hope you die" was innappropriate to put in your card so I didn't.
Darling,
I thought it was only fair to match the effort you went to last year.
A Legally Safe Valentine for 2007.
From myself ("the loveor") to you ("hereinafter called the lovee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my sincerest expressions of affection on this environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, Valentine’s Day, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
This is being communicated to you on the 14th February 2007 with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the lovee.
By accepting this expression of affection you are bound by these terms that-
* This expression of affection is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
* This expression of affection is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original wording and that the proprietary rights of the loveor are acknowledged.
* This expression of affection implies no promise by the loveor to actually implement any of the wishes unl;ess specifically mentioned in any existing agreement pre-nuptial, post-nuptial or otherwise.
* This expression of affection may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain lovees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the lovor.
Munchkin,
I love you dearly. But lets face it, you're worth more to me dead than alive.
Honey,
Look, tonight isn't good - I've been making my way through the latest season of 24 on DVD, and last night ended in a real cliff-hangar! The President may or may not be an ALIEN!!!!
So..I'll try to give you a call later this week. Only two discs left to watch, should be done by then.
Mon amour,
As they say in the language of love:
Non, rien de rien,
Non, je ne t'achete rien.
Darling, I thought about getting you a valentine but it was raining at lunchtime, but it's the thought that counts isnt it? love'n'kisses XXX
Well you forgot last year. But look at all these I got at work. I'm sure I know who this one's from - he'd make a good catch.