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Only 5,000 items of official Beijing 2008 merchandise? Who said the Olympics were over-commercialised these days?

Just in case you can't get down to the warehouse-like official store on Olympic Green (think and you're getting close to the hellish frenzy that lies within) here's a quick run-down of some of the fine gifts on offer.

For the special person in your life

Imagine the conversation upon returning to your loved one after a month apart.

"Sweet-cheeks - I've brought you back something special from China."

"Oh darling - how romantic! What is it?"

"A Beijing 2008 portable hard drive. 160 gigabytes for 68 quid. Wallop."

For a militant mate

Couldn't get near the real Olympic torch as it made its way round the world? Still keen to hijack the sacred flame for your own political ends?

Hey presto - stage your own with this splendid metal replica torch - only £221.19, including a small Perspex base.

NB Heavy-handed policemen and ex-sportsman torch-bearer not included.

For the high-flying executive

Paperweights and stress-balls are so Athens 2004.

The must-have desk toy of 2008 is a 1:1200 replica of Bird's Nest in gold-painted aluminium - a steal at just £153.55.

If that's not enough to impress the drones who work under you, splash out a little extra on a foot-long blue glass replica of the Water Cube on a classy glass and metal plinth (£298.23).

Then, when you bag an inflation-busting bonus, blow a chunk of it on a Beijing 2008-branded replica Ming vase in hand-glazed porcelain.

If you can't manage to claim the £3,799 back against tax, you need to get yourself a new accountant.

For Michael Palin/Paul Theroux/Bill Bryson

Writing on the move has never been easier, thanks to the Olympic Travel Multi-Function Pencil pack (£10.90)

Featuring Beijing mascots Bei-bei, Jing-jing, Huan-huan, Ying-ying and Ni-ni, the 10-inch long giant pencils come complete with little Chinese flags that unfurl from the top end.

You think I'm making this up.

For Aunty Judith in Saffron Walden

The girls at the are sure to be impressed by a Beijing 2008 china tea set, decorated with illustrations of unisex tumbling gymnasts and straining pole-vaulters (£67.12).

Then, for those big nights out the , what about a necklace of fake pearls with a Beijing 2008-logo clasp (£51.86)?

For Gok Wan

The must-have look autumn/winter 2008? A polycotton lime-green tie with a discreet in-laid pattern of the Olympic rings - a mere £12.24.

With the money saved, accessorise it with a set of tinny Beijing-branded cufflinks in dull metallic grey - £4.58 the pair.

For a train-spotter

Nothing says I love you like a limited-edition stamp album called 'Beijing Bearing Olympic Passion' (£75).

With stamps of the logo of every single summer Games down the years, it's no wonder just 10,000 copies were released.

Then, for those , throw in a pair of gold-look Beijing 2008 opera glasses - a snip at £128.20.

For the well-built

Some satisfy themselves with a single commemorative brooch or badge.

Not you. Make the most of that chunky chest and display a set of seven badges that, when pinned together end-to-end in the right order, show an athlete running an entire 110m hurdles from blocks to first barrier to dip on the tape (£14.34).

Also available illustrating a successful pole vault clearance and a stunted, .

For friends at the BOA

The sums are simple.

£250m of Lottery funding spent in pursuit of around 41 Olympics medals = around £6m per medal.

Alternatively, £195.31 on a box of three replica Beijing Olympic medals - gold, silver and bronze-painted copper, but otherwise identical to the real thing = £65.10 per medal.

Plus they come in a velvet-lined presentation box. Now that's value.