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Hello, Darling. I'm at the airport. Apparently, I can't fly.

Sorry, gotta go. Must fly.

But I can't think of an ending, so you're on your own there, Mr. Orwell.

It's OK. I'm on a Pay-as-You-Oink scheme.

OK, I'll wear a pink carnation, so you'll recognise me

"By the phone box darling, you can't miss me"

Sorry, but I can hardly hear you. It must be a pork connection.

No, I said I'm with EE. I wasn't squealing.

Yes boss, I think I've got the inside scoop on this pork in beef burgers scandal, I've made contact with an insider but so far he won't squeal.

Ich bin schwein Berliner

"Hello? Operator? Can I have the number for Doctor Dolittle please? Apparently he'll be able to understand me!"

Look, I'm sorry about the blind date, but they didn't tell me you were Jewish

I know the wedding's in ten minutes, but the Best Man welded the zip ...

So, who else is left? Pearl. No, I'm after her.

So how much is a ticket to the 100 Acre Wood?

"Hello Moss Bros.....I think there has been an error" "Yes, I said a big suit"

You mean my colleagues at the Police Station weren't serious about the new uniform?

Come on Monica, pick up, chop chop!

At the third oink, the time will be ...

"Ignore the squealing on the line.."

And then he asks me if I've got a pen...........funny guy.

Where am I in the station? Well, in the middle, of course.

I went to the optician about my stye, but they just laughed at me

Do you smell bacon, or is it just me?

Michael Parkinson keeps giving me funny looks

I took the taxi, Darling. I hope you don't think that was rasher me.

It's good to pork

"Sorry darling, I'm going to be late. I have had a pig of a day".

Speak up. There's a lot of crackling

You mean the road isn't all mine?

And you can tell the other two little pigs that I'm at Lloyd's at the moment, trying to sort out their insurance claims

"Yes, I'd love to come to dinner. But, er... bring an apple in my mouth?"

But I think I went a little too far for dress-down Friday

"Trotters Independent Traders, hello?"

I just ran naked across The Oval. Well, I am streaky ...

Of course I failed the audition. I thought Hamlet was about a little pig ...

Our hot Babes are waiting for your call right now ...

"No, I'm not telling porkies. It was my wife who should get the points for speeding"

Although third pig claimed the wolf had eaten his brothers, when they looked in his mouth they saw the awful truth...

Weightwatchers are a lot more unforgiving than they used to be

Of course I didn't get the job. It turned out it was for the Danish Baking Company.

Proof that "Inside every fat man there is a thin man trying to get out"

The government's new "Come To Britain" poster informed potential Bulgarian immigrants of the strict laws on how to dress in public.

"Hello, Easyjet? I said I'd fly if it really was Richard III..."

Well, I think that's the last time they'll hold a fancy-dress bar mitzvah

Yeah, I had to get a new disguise - people had got to recognise the Phantom of the Opera mask too easily

I may be homeless, but at least I've got a job selling "The Pig Issue"

"You can stop all that huffing and puffing nonsense, You will find this one is made of brick"

"Don't worry darling, I haven't forgotten your Valentine's present - I got the last two matching pink outfits in the shop."

Swine and poses

Listen bro, I need somewhere to crash. That pesky wolf called around earlier and my place is wrecked!

What are you talking about? A Poke? No, I'm in a Phone Box!

This little piggy went 'ring ring ring' all the way home.

"Yeah, I thought I'd phone. I'm fed up with the pen."

Gettin' piggy with it

"And this little piggy went 1, 1, 8, all the way home..."

Of course the deal is kosher

I cant remember - am I supposed to go to the market, stay at home, have roast beef (or not), or go home??

"Can you come and pick me up? I look rediculous, I'm the only one here in black tie."

"What do you mean, it's not Grand Hog Day?"

Yes, dear, I did remember to wear a tie.

The porcine you are calling knows you are waiting.

"Who are you calling a two-faced pig?"

Yes, darling, I am at the station, and yes, your best friend may well have spotted me in the bar there but I am NOT, I repeat NOT snorting coke

I hear they are looking for a fun dish for the Great British Menu this year, any ideas?

Last of the Summer swine.

I've no chance of getting the part now. The film's actually called "Beef Encounter".

"Hello Mr Dumpty, can you make a breakfast meeting tomorrow?"

"No, I'm afraid it's bad news, Monopoly have opted for the cat"

Hello, Paper Monitor? I'm a bit confused about my gender...

Ja, mein Liebling. We got on much better once he stopped calling me "Grunter".

...failed the audition! The producer said even a ham actor would have done better.

Why does everyone rib me about the way I dress?

....what do you mean there is crackling on the line?

"Remember I was wondering why the Pink Panther costume was so cheap?"

The culprit who assaulted me will be out there trying to flog a silk purse.

Is that the Casting Director for the remake of "Deliverance"?
I'm all ready with my line if you are.....

Er, Hi Vicky it's Chris - can you pick up my porking fine?

"Hello, Police, just been assaulted by some woman dressed head to toe in feathers, dunno, some Angry Bird"

(voice from behind) "Hey, buddy, quit hogging the phone."

The vet was adamant he didn't do house calls and definitely not for someone with a nasty sty.

Pork scratchings? Yes Doctor, I've had an allergic reaction. Do you have any oinkment for it !!!!!

Little Pig makes his two thousand and thirty seventh annoying phone call to Big Bad Wolf's residence.

According to Mr Carney I am the reason the world is in financial crisis

What do you mean "Am I Perky"

They'll never spot me, I'm in disguise

"Just had to leave, couldn't listen to Geoffrey any longer, he's a wild boar"

They completely lost me at the audition. There was I with my "Not tonight Josephine" speech all prepared and they handed me a pig suit. What's that all about?

"Hi - just seen your card in the booth. So you're a big porker who'll make me squeal like a pig? Where abouts are you and what are your rates?"

Yes, hello. I've got some inside information on the Andrew Mitchell scandal !!!

Rob yearned for the days when you could talk to a real pig on the phone.

I'm Gammon on the telephone

Drunk Dialling.............just don't do it.

Another piggin' cold caller !!!!

The government strongly refutes any claims that pork dna in beef products can have an effect on the consumer.

Hello, yes this Boris from Islington, is Nick there ?

The police told me if I didn't move on they would lock me up in a pink pound

When the Big Bad Wolf rang, the fourth little pig wished he'd built a fully-enclosed phone box.

"Hello! Is that the Big Bad Wolf? I'm willing to pay the ransom."

"Your ad says you're 'high end' and yet you don't have a Gloucestershire Old Spot costume for me to hire? Hello....hello?"