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Matilda had been told to take the bear to a zoo. That was yesterday, and today she was taking him for a run in the park.

Ronnie Corbett regrets borrowing the polar bear outfit off Peter Crouch

Phew, I’ve got the pasties in this trolley, but did I have to wear this ridiculous costume, George?

“I’m an endangered species” said the reasonably-well-off pensioner

I’m part of the UK’s Olympic cricket team – I’m a bowler bear

Yeah, I work in a cheese shop – I’m the Grate Bear

So, we’re in the ±«Óătv Magazine Monitor Caption Competition 600-second relay?

“Sorry about the outfit, Bear. I was originally coming as a tube of Zofirax until I realised it wasn’t in aid of Spot Relief”

The Danish TV producer had assured the royal couple that Sarah Lund would be wearing both outfits in The Killing's Christmas Special.

Of course, I usually adertise glacier mints, not Marathon

Well, a myth is as good as a mile...

If I hear "does a bear fit in the woods?" one more time...

>You can't hear through that costume, can you? Its not fit, its s....

You must think I’m mad – bye, polar

"Careful, Pudsey - staring at bright colours is bad for your eyes."

I told you not to wait too long to visit the costume shop.

Richard Branson will never let us join the caterpillar now...

No, I wanted you to be a 'bare' princess actually.

When the runners-up were revealed, the choice of Wenlock and Mandeville as Olympic mascots didn't seem quite so controversial.

This week on ‘The Apprentice,’ both teams set off to try and locate the comments box

I think they’re both off their trolley

Camouflage, you call that camouflage? Its Polar bears we’re after, not Zippy and Bungle..

Paddington Bear turns white at the thought of the rise in tax on pasties

Actually, I’m a brown bear – these are perspiration stains

Sorry, I bearly recognised you...

I swear I left the Mintmobile here.

Yes, and you left the keys in and the engine running didn't you?

I told you to put the eggs in my basket.

Channel 4's Alternative Nativity begins with Joseph finding the stable bear.

The lion is late, oh my.

The last two members of Scott’s ill-fated Antarctic team finally make it back to London

So I walk one mile south, one mile east and one mile north back to where I started from. I see a bear. I have no idea what colour the bear is.

Sorry son, its *next* Tuesday. Today it’s a normal assembly, you’ll just have to go in like that..

David Attenborough's viewers are just not going to believe this one

No, they've banned Fox-hunting, not Fox's-Glacier-Mint-hunting

"Maggie, I'm telling you...my brother Bruno won't be fooled...there is no such thing as a 'multicoloured lady bear'!"

No, for the last time, we are promoting the Olympics, not Audi

"At least you'll be warm," said Mum as I headed off to the race.

Look, just don't tell anybody the bags full of unleaded

I ran out of money but I got the bear necessities!

The Birdseye Bear certainly looked less foolish in the ornithological themed fun run...

The years had mellowed Goldilocks to the point where she even did charity fun runs with Baby Bear.

No listen, Polar Bears have ALWAYS been WHITE! They have NEVER been RAINBOW coloured.

"It's very simple. Honey...it's all a bear like me needs...I said 'don't forget the honey'..and what did you forget, Maggie, what did you forget...?"

A penguin? Now, how can I describe one to you ...

Bear ... with a sore head

Ann Widdecombe regretted agreeing to another series of Strictly.

Poor old Dot. She had filled in the entry form thinking she was applying for Supermarket Sweep.

Sue (right) demonstrates how polar bears look when there's nobody about

No, I'm frustrated that I've just submitted a caption and I now need to wait 600 seconds to submit my next one. Then I tried to submits lots of captions at once and I'm over my word limit!

This was the last time Martha was going to let her friends arrange for her to go on a blind date!

"No, don't tell me.........your not THE Rupert bear are you?"

Health and Safety officials concerned about runners being burned, demand that the Olympic Torch is replaced by the Olympic Shopping Trolley.

Now when I got up this morning there was something I needed to do but I can bearly remember what it was

No, I know it's 'Polar Bears' but I'm wearing the coat over the outfit because I felt too conspicuous dressed as a polar bear

Let me get this straight, you’ve jammed the zip? I’ve got to do a Parliamentary speech to the delegation from Greenland in ten minutes!!

"I'm knackered" said the bear in a gruff voice, whilst the lady thought "What a strange name?"

We can't keep meeting like this. People are beginning to talk.

Just where did I put that Sat Nav

"Oh George... why must you always embarrass me with your ridiculous outfits?"

No, I need to get going NOW because I need to finish in time to get the coat back to the 'Joseph' museum before it's missed!

Hold it right there lady, I’m from the fashion police, working undercover..

The Presenters of the New Multi Coloured Swap Shop were find the early mornings a struggle

The Berlin Zoo is sponsoring me.

So, Gran, what's in your pic-a-nic basket?

Why didn't you tell me it was fancy dress???

If I had known, I wouldn't have worn my normal clothes !!!

It doesn't fit? Well, there's no way I can take it back to Peacock's.

Look, Mr. Walliams, everybody's going to know it's you, even on your knees

Look, Debbie, I said we should both come as something polar, not bi-polar

Look, when are you going to accept that they are not going to make a sequel to The Golden Compass?

Give a bear a tiara and you clothe her for a day, but teach her to accessorize


Will you relax? I can assure you that bear-baiting is no longer an Olympic sport.

Buy Polar?

OK, so that was car number 35,178. Does nobody pick up hitchhikers these days?

As Gran always said, "Spare the belt and...your trousers end up round your ankles."

I'm afraid we're just going to have to leave you here, Clarence. You've outgrown our fridge.

Releasing me back into the wild is one thing, but how long am I going to last in Chelmsford?

I told you that rug was too big for you

I know it is Sport 'Relief', but did you have to go in my trolley !!!!

Lord Lucan hadn't missed a marathon for decades

"I thought you said you'd seen Rainbow!"

You’re still in training aren’t you 008. The whole idea of these clandestine meetings in St James’s Park is not to draw any attention to ourselves. What sort of disguise is that??

"If you say 'It's frothy man!' one more time I'll seriously endanger your species."

Look, try and understand it this time. The fact that you're from the Pole doesn't mean you can represent Poland in the Olympics.

But, the minute you say something, everybody's going to know it's you, Boris

..... and Baby Bear said "My haven't you aged Goldilocks" !!!!!

I keep telling you: the panda *can* change his spots!

You travel all this way, and then Julian Fellowes doesn't need you for the final episode

Stop moaning about your old rug. I had to use up ten of my best feather dusters to make this outfit.

Does someone need a bear hug?

OK, forget the fish - if you come first, I'll pay for you to have a tummy tuck

The Shakespeare Marathon: Legs it, pursued by a bear.

Ah, M, sorry to have kept you, I took a wrong turning at Tower Bridge..

Look, I'm sorry I blew our lead, but you try getting out of this and back into it in the Portaloo.

Tanker drivers are forced to adopt disguises when walking around built-up areas

"Colour me doubtful," I said, and see what happened!

Sorry Mrs, the Ken Dodd appreciation society is next week. This is the Marathon Next Day Finish club meeting..

Greenpeace activist and local resident meet at the North Pole to discuss Global Warming

Look, I'm sorry I added too much bleach to the wash, Sooty, but let's get on with this race

Carol was depressed. Greenland didn't have a hope in hell of winning anything at the Olympics.

Lather, rinse, repeat

You forgot the tandem. YOU FORGOT THE TANDEM. We’re going to look like right idiots now..