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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. More than 5,000 so-called mosquito alarms, which emit a sound to disperse teenage groups, are in operation in the UK.


2. Human hair is used as a food additive.


3. Italy's footballers were pelted with rotten fruit when they arrived back in the country after an early exit from the 1966 World Cup.


4. Scotland has the highest proportion of cocaine users in the world.


5. Tennis matches can last three days.


6. There are 820 government websites.


7. More than eight million visits were made to news websites every minute, on the night Barack Obama won the US presidential election. On the first day of the World Cup, there were 12m visits per minute.


8. General Stanley McChrystal only eats one square meal a day.


9. Nottingham Forest players got drunk the night before winning the League Cup final in 1979.


10. There are 6,000 islands in Greece, but only 227 are inhabited.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Boakesey for this week's picture of 10 monkeys at Chester Zoo.

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Carey (Thursday letters), surely we can deduce it? There's Twilight, New Moon and Breaking Dawn. If I'm missing any, it must be either Midnight or That Ungodly Hour When The Birds Start To Sing And You Know You'll Never Get Back To Sleep Now.
Andrew, Oxford, UK

Carey, my fellow Surrey dweller, I should introduce you to my husband some time. He's dragging me to the next film from the angsty vampire series, and I suspect it's possible retribution because I've made him watch so much football recently.
Debbie, Croydon, UK

Carey, we've established long ago that, based on stereotypes, Paper Monitor is either a gay man or a woman from many clues (including an obsession with chocolates, reality TV, judging clothes worn by various females on the first few pages of the Telegraph/Sun/Mail, and not ever mentioning the sports pages unless forced to with a large vuvuzela shaped object) it's just unfortunate that only those letters disagreeing you will ever get published...
Bas, London

Can someone please call ACAS to help Nick (Thursday letters) and Judy (Wednesday letters) settle their simmering workplace dispute before it all gets out of hand?
Moose, Belgium

AnnieMouse (Thursday letters), of course you adore Bounty bars, you are (I would hazard a guess) female. It is men that don't like Bounty bars, women do like them. Do your own statistical analysis (ask your mates) and I suspect you will find my theory holds water.
Ellie, Herts

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week, a skull in a garden. Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Tremorman
If proof was needed, here it is - grass messes with your head.

5. BeckySnow
Garden furniture for children by Marilyn Manson.

4. Pendragon
"Hey, George! Come and see what that little Gormley kid's done next door."

3. Karen
The world's largest Pez sweet dispenser is currently being constructed in England.

2. grazvalentine
Dr Gunther von Hagens' garden shed.

1. Neil
"I'm starting to wonder about the wisdom of asking Damien Hirst to design the kiddy-fun-park..."

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Yawn! What a lovely sleep... so refreshed, much more so than usu - argh! Is that the time? Slept through the alarm, and then some. So sorry.

Right.
...
[Shuffling of newsprint]
...
[Gurgling of coffee machine]
...
[Human moment in bathroom]
...
[Glugging of chai chilli soy latte]
...
[Spitting out of chai chilli soy latte. Slurping of espresso]
...

Where were we? So, with England due to face Germany in the footyball on Sunday - has a brain-teaser on what the stats predict for this clash - the traditional sniping between the Sun and its Teutonic counterparts is well underway. (Also see )

"Ze media war is just beginning - Germans launch blitzkrieg on our 'lame little girls'" - thunders the Sun's older sibling, the Times, noting that "for once, the German tabloids have been even more childish than their British counterparts".

"'Yes!' said the splash in the Berlin tabloid BZ, 'Now we are going to sort out the little English girlies.' Girlies, like Wayne Rooney. 'He's still waiting to score in the World Cup and he's a long way from top form. They're really lame, these Three Lions.'"

But the Times predicts the British headline writers will fight back:

"Whole generations of newspaper sub-editors, brought up on Commando Comics, Biggles and Hogan's Heroes, reach for German phrases as headline fodder: Hände hoch! (Hands up), Kaputt (broken), Fritz ( Fritz) and variations of the words Huns and Jerries."

So what have the red-tops come up with today?
"GERMANS WURST AT PENALTIES" - the Sun
"HERR WE GO AGAIN" - Thursday's Sun
"Job done... now for the Hun" - Thursday's Daily Star
"Pasta la vista baby!" - today's Star, gloating as Italy crash out

No doubt there's more in the tank for Saturday, Sunday, Monday...

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Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question.

Each week the news quiz will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been.

Suggestions must be sent by submitting a comment BELOW, where it says "Comments". Entries via the "Send us a letter" form on the right will be summarily ignored.

And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions.

This week's answer is DECOMMISSIONED HELMETS.

UPDATE 1643 BST: The answer is what's being used in place of traditional hanging baskets at Dartmouth police station? ()

Of your deliberately wrong questions, we liked:

• Fi-Glos's What is the name of the Village People tribute band?
• Filboid's What's the number one best seller at crazylarrysdecommissionedhelmets.com?
• Tremorman's What does the Hunchback of Notre Dame use to Iron his shirts on?
• SkarloeyLine's What is the most common hairstyle on British passport photos?
• and Candace9839's What follows a bad hair day in the Metrosexual Army?

Thanks to all who entered.

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"Easy! Easy!" - chant of American spectators at the end of Wimbledon's marathon tennis match

Who says the Americans don't do irony? As John Isner collapsed on his back, having hit the winner that brought the 11-hour match to a close, some spectators chanted: "Easy! Easy!" although they were drowned out by others shouting: "More! More!" Defeated and deflated Nicholas Mahut probably wasn't smiling.

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I imagine I will be one of many offering a missive along similar lines, but originality is overrated. So, will new be starting her first cabinet meeting with the phrase: "Alright everyone, what's occurin'?"
Dylan, Reading, UK

Please can you adapt your to make a calculator. My natural long blonde hair is looking like the solution to my public sector salary freeze problem.
Sarah, Birmingham

I don't think we've had any of the traditional discussion of "crashing out" from Wimbledon yet this year, but please can we not apply the term to whoever finally loses ?
Adam, London, UK

Am I alone in fretting over whether Monitor Letters will be blessed by a response from someone at the Royal College of Music to settle the Tubular Bells v Intel dispute
Neil Franklin, Chandlers Ford, UK

Paper Monitor, I *adore* Bounty bars. I'm glad hardly anyone else does, it means there are more for me when the chocolate tin gets passed round the office - hooray!
AnnieMouse, Farnham, Surrey

At last - some good news from the !
Edward Green, London, UK

During the England game you asked if anyone out there was reading the Magazine. Distracted by your question, I read the How to Say tongue twisters and missed the goal.
laura_h1988

I am that "idiot" (Wednesday's letters) who booked the meeting for Judy at 3.00pm yesterday (same time as the England game). I'm not sorry... the meeting went well and England won... now where can I get her to be at 3pm on Sunday...
Nick, Leeds, UK

Ah ha - Monitor is a girl! You tell me one bloke who can name the Twilight saga book titles (Wednesday's letters) whether being sarcastic or not.
Carey, Surrey

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Stay with me now... staaaay, staaaay - SIT DOWN! - staaaay...

This is one for the entry-level football fans out there, who only get interested when there's a big tournament on - enjoying the atmosphere is easier and more fun than pretending nothing is happening lalalafingersinears willeveryonejuststopgoingonaboutit boringboringboringyesnowIaminagrumpwhydoyouthinkthatishmmm?

Perhaps you are - or know - one of these people. Someone who wouldn't dream of reading a match report in the Sport section. Who can be relied upon to get a round in during the boring bits of a game (ie: no goals looking likely), and who - damn them - happily took on the football minnows no-one else wanted in the work sweepstakes, back when everyone expected the likes of New Zealand to be on the painful end of rugby-style scorelines.

The papers know these people are out there, and adjust accordingly. So for every article bristling with stats and words like "offside", "72nd minute" and "retaining possession", there is, for instance, something on vuvuzela orchestras or David Beckham's unknowable sleeves or whether it's possible to watch England's match with only mini-Bountys left in the chocolate assortment box. (Paper Monitor says yes; others may beg to differ.)

The Guardian fields two strikers for this tricky task, in the main newspaper and Tim "I'm American. I know nothing of this soccerball" Dowling in G2.

The latter has yet to get over ITV ...

"... in the middle of the post-match argument between the French and South African coaches, after the former refused to shake the latter's hand. I've waited a fortnight to see some live off-the-ball unpleasantry (in HD as well)... I've deliberately forgotten what the advert was for, as a punishment."

In the Daily Telegraph, columnist Bryony Gordon details her attempt to find an enjoyable way to watch England's largely painful matches. Well, it won't be in the pub:

"It is like being in a sauna with none of the health benefits, crossed with a creche where all the children have been fed too many E numbers"

The Times has its louche chief sports writer Simon Barnes, who gets the poetry out as quick as you like - Coleridge, no less, with a side order of how Shelley reacted when he first read the verse in question: "[he] fainted dead away".

And in the Daily Mail? Their equation is basic numeracy compared with the elegant long division beloved by the likes of Barnes - if readers don't like football, they are probably women, right? And women like... maths poetry Gallic arguments Bounty bars handbags.
"Here come the Wags" it proclaims on page three, illustrated with a blonde who fits the familiar template.

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"If anything, members of swingers' clubs are almost overcautious" - Mandy Michaels of Swingers Date Club, after research suggests attendees of "wife-swapping" parties could be at a higher risk of disease.

A study of "adventurous" couples in the Netherlands found that swingers had among the highest rates of sexually transmitted infections. But Ms Michaels says she is surprised by the findings, insisting that safe sex is an integral part of the lifestyle. "Taking precautions is in everyone's interest," she adds.

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I'm sure contains much good advice, but it seems to miss one important tip. At my place of work, if you don't want to be in on any particular day, you can go and see your boss, ask nicely, fill in a little form, and you can then just take the whole of the specified day off. You can even do this up to 25 times each year if you want to. It's a great little system - perhaps it will catch on at other workplaces too.
Adam, London, UK

If I have spent time reading , have I just failed the first test of how to manage my workflow around the England game?
Katherine Broadhurst, Cardiff

Everyone ... best not to have your comments published in the news, though, if you want to remain an employee.
Steve Wheat

. Can anyone beat that?
Russ Tarbox, London

The thing about is stores tend to like selling us stuff in round numbers (or else it's an amazing coincidence that so many things cost exactly -99p when you add VAT). So we will see the reverse of what happened last time when VAT went down - things will get slightly more expensive for a bit, and people who still pay cash for things will find themselves weighed down with change, but then prices will slowly creep back down to more simple levels (or up dramatically to the next "simple" threshold if retailers think they can get away with it).
Alex, Uxbridge

? I wouldn't of thought they would have to wait that long.
Martin Comer, London, UK
Monitor note: Exactly. Then it would be breaking dawn.

Good idea. Granny power (Quote of the Day). Just hope nobody mistakes me for a policeman.
Wendy Crossley

Thanks for How to Say: World Cup 2010 tongue-twisters. But how should we pronounce Xhosa?
Paul Greggor, London

It's just occurred to me that in , although the Czech Republic has a proportionally lower level of drink-related deaths, the average number of road deaths per million is more than double that of the UK and Sweden. I don't think the Czech Republic needs to worry so much about their blood alcohol limits. What they should be worrying about is road safety generally.
Ellie, Herts

Dylan of Reading is on to something with his list (Tuesday letters), but we also need a dictionary for readers. After all, some words in 'tabloid land' have particular meaning. My favourites are:
1) 'Penpushers' = bureaucrats who can write
2) 'Bureaucrats' = people who invariably make 'crazy' decisions every day
3) Public sector workers = 'parasites' who work for public agencies
4) Gold-plated pensions = pensions not held by workers who works in the private sector.
Mark, Reading, UK

As well as Tubular Bells (Tuesday letters), the four notes in the Intel theme (the fourth interval, and the fifth interval) are also the opening notes to the theme from Murder on the Orient Express, as composed by Richard Rodney Bennett.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

Paul, I just listened to Tubular Bells. Don't think it's the same four notes. Sorry.
Rachael, Sheffield

Good questions, Tim (Tuesday letters) but I've no idea. 'Sorry'.
Rik Alewijnse, Feering, UK

Tim, I'll tell you what sorry is. Sorry is what the idiot will be who booked a meeting in my diary at 3pm today which I can't cancel. He is going to be so sorry... Grrrrr.
Judy, Leeds

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An occasional guide to the words and names in the news from Linda Shockey and Esther de Leeuw of the ±«Óãtv Pronunciation Unit.

South Africa is a land of many languages: there are 11 offical languages, many of which contain sounds which are unusual for English native speakers. For example, Xhosa has clicks like the sounds we write as "tsk tsk" and the sound we make to encourage a horse. These sounds are, to Xhosa speakers, just as easy as ABC to us. Small wonder that we aren't always sure how to pronounce the words we see associated with the World Cup.

The vuvuzela and the Jabulani - the name of the official World Cup football - are perhaps the most hotly debated words related to the World Cup. The English pronunciation of the instrument is voo-vuh-ZEL-uh (-oo as in boot, -uh as in a in ago) whilst the Adidas press office has advised that the English pronunciation of the ball is jab-oo-LAA-ni (-aa as in father, -final -i as in y in happy) and means "to celebrate" in Zulu. In the final match of the World Cup, the Jo'bulani ball will be in play, pronounced joh-boo-LAA-ni (-oh as in no).

According to our South African contacts, the English pronunciation of Johannesburg, and hence the one the ±«Óãtv Pronunciation Unit recommends, is joh-HAN-iss-burg (-j as in Jack, -ur as in fur); whilst the Afrikaans pronunciation is closer to yoh-HAN-iss-burkh (-y as in yes, -kh as in Scottish loch). Other place names are pretty straightforward, like Polokwane (pol-uh-KWAA-nay; -aa as in father) and Durban (DUR-buhn; -ur as in fur), but not "Nelspruit" which is pronounced NEL-sprayt (-ay as in day).

Stadium names (see ) can also be a challenge: Mbombela may appear to have an impossible consonant combination, but it might help when pronouncing m-bom-BAY-luh to think of the final sound in the English word "stadium" and the initial sound in "ball". Put these words together, remembering to softly pronounce "m", and you've pronounced the initial consonant cluster in Mbombela. Bafokeng is easy if you remember to stress the last syllable (baff-oh-KENG; -oh as in no, -ng as in sing), but Loftus Versfeld holds some surprises: the "v" and the "f", for example, are pronounced identically (LOFT-uhss FAIRSS-felt; -air as in hair).

To download the ±«Óãtv Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The budget has hit Paper Monitor hard. Not the tax rises or the public spending cuts, as such.

No, it's the awful realisation that what used to be called the posh people's papers are pitched a long, long way above Paper Monitor's station.

Blame the VAT hikes for this acute bout of status anxiety, as the former broadsheets provide their readers with a reckoner of how much their kind of consumer products will increase in cost from 4 January.

The Times offers such examples as a Eames chair and stool from department store Heal's (£4,587 to £4,685.60), the tasting menu at Heston Blumenthal's Fat Duck restaurant (£150 to £153.19) and, of course, an iPad (£599.99 to £612.77).

Similarly, the Guardian suggests a sumptuous-looking three-seater leather sofa (£2,995 to £3,058.79), a cashmere men's suit (£499 to £509.63), a pair of skinny jeans (£60 to £61.28).

Paper Monitor feels like an undernourished urchin, nose pressed to the glass of an expensive restaurant - the Fat Duck in Berkshire, say - watching the iPad-toting, cashmere-suited elite fill their bellies with sous-vide delicacies until their skinny jeans fit no longer.

No, it's the Daily Mirror which comes closest to pitching at Paper Monitor's typical spending habits, highlighting a pint of lager (£3.25 to £3.32), a packet of Benson and Hedges Gold King Size (£5.98 to £6.11) and - we're all allowed our guilty pleasures - a Lady Gaga CD (£8.95 to £9.14).

But if it has been a bad budget for Paper Monitor's social pretentions, it has been a good one for the chancellor's reputation among columnists. Ann Treneman of the Times says that "Boy George has become a man". Quentin Letts of the Daily Mail postulates that Mr Osborne's "public persona is not overfrieghted by charm but there is no denying the boldness of his moves".

Even Simon Hoggart of the Guardian - no doubt reclining on his £2,995 three-seater leather sofa - even allows himself to concede grudgingly:

"George Osborne wasn't all bad, though I still find that if you close your eyes while listening, you think you're hearing Ann Widdecombe."

It's all right for some. Paper Monitor needs a B&H.

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"If we receive several reports of street robbery in a certain location, we send out the granny" - Dutch police, who deploy officers dressed as frail elderly women to trick muggers.

"That soon quietens things down," says a police spokesman in the city of Gouda. It's an adaptable approach also used in Amsterdam, where police - who already send out decoy prostitutes to stop attacks in the red light district - will reportedly go out in Jewish garb in an effort to cut the number of anti-Semitic verbal and physical attacks.

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Enough already! The new, high quality slow motion replays are great, OK? But watching Federer's opponent puffing his cheeks for 30 seconds is NOT going to win anyone at the Beeb a Bafta!
Neil Franklin, Chandlers Ford, UK

How can Walter Werzowa claim he "composed" the Intel jingle (Magazine, Monday)? It's the first four notes of Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells". No more, no less.
Paul, Hull, UK

?
Rusty, Montreal, Canada

Can you do us another one of , please?
Lee, Birmingham

Most popular shared stories on the ±«Óãtv right now:
1) Osborne increases VAT rate to 20%
2) Feeling grumpy "is good for you"
That's OK then...
James Rouse, Southampton

What's particularly irritating about this SW19 businesss is that it's only half the postcode. The half that covers a pretty big area too. Would anyone dream of referring to Buckingham Palace as SW1A?
Caroline Brown, Rochester, UK

Phew. It took me a while to find one, and I began to wonder if the whole cliche had died out. But no, here it is: For a minute there, I thought everyone was just going to call it "Wimbledon" this year.
John Bratby, Southampton

The British government should perhaps consider assuaging their guilt about the whopping 20% VAT, by removing it completely from prices and only adding it at the till. Like they do here (and fool me each and every time).
Rachel, Minnetonka

On the News front page today, we have and . Why is the General 'sorry' while Terry's just plain sorry? Do we not believe the General? Was he being sarcastic?
Tim Barrow, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Yes folks, it's that time of year - the only time of year - when national newspapers see fit to use a London postcode as a synonym for an entire sporting event.

It is with great pleasure that Paper Monitor rehabilitates SW19 Watch.

Before we log today's notable entries, it's worth asking why Wimbledon is the only sporting venue commonly referred to as shorthand by its postcode.

Has a sports writer ever name checked Wembley stadium at second mention as HA9? Cardiff's Millennium Stadium as CF10? Or indeed the Inverness Highland Games as IV3 5NS?

Top of the SW19 Watch list is the Independent which doesn't only use the postcode in passing by actually has an "SW19 Diary" for the course of the championships.

The Guardian duly notes that "The SW19 staples were there..."

No, it's note a coded reference to the Wimbledon High Street branch of Rymans. The staples in this case are "strawberries, queues [and] the familiar sight of British female talent foundering at the first hurdle".

The Telegraph, which in all fairness is probably not underrepresented in this particular neck of the woods, promotes the postcode to headline status:

And the Daily Mail apparently notes the Queen had seemingly completely avoided this whole quarter of south London for the first 51 years of her life:

"Special security arrangements have been made to ensure Her Maj [sic] is able to tour the grounds during her first visit to SW19 since 1977."

How remiss of one (nine).

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"It was like the Wizard of Oz" - Owner of a dog which was blown away in a storm, while in its kennel

The pooch was renamed Lucky, not Dorothy, after being found 20 miles away in the Hungarian countryside, without the kennel. It was reunited with its owner, Agnes Tamas, who said the dog had been cowering in fright inside its dog house when it was blown away.

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In the interests of , should this headline not more accurately (and fairly) read "Child bitten after touching fox's tail"?
Sue, London

Seeing this story about has led me to consider a new feature for MM - The 10 Most Unpopular Things in the World According to Tabloid Newspapers (or something considerably more pithy). I offer the following only as an example as clearly my monitoring skills are in no way as all-encompassing as yours:
1) Gordon Brown
2) Foxes
3) Vuvuzelas
4) Jonathan Ross
5) Russell Brand
6) Young people
7) Frankie Boyle
8) 'Painfully thin' celebrities
9) Weather that is either too hot or too cold
10) Immigrants
Dylan, Reading, UK

Is it just me who thinks that some people take themselves ?
Adam, London, UK

Regarding the comment from the Coastguard in story. Was it really a sausage? I would love to go the watersports store that sells those. How about an inflatable rasher of bacon, or a fried egg? Don't think baked beans would work mind you...
Mel Read, Poole, Dorset

If nominative determinism were made law then surely would be put in charge of a failing county council!
Paul, Marlow, Stillworkingshire, UK

Okay, so the "USA wins" headline was a joke, but what about this ?
Mark Sumner, Oamaru, NZ

Re Phil's comment (Friday's letters). I think that Cuba, Japan and other nations could have comparable teams, so not quite checkmate !
Stephen, NL

When the World Series was won by the Toronto Blue Jays, the organisers were caught out as they had never played the national anthem of anyone but the USA.
Ed, London

Zoe (Friday's letters) can you tell me which is which please?
Joanne, Leeds

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor loves a good old-fashioned Fleet Street feud. Rupert Murdoch v Robert Maxwell, Piers Morgan v David Yelland, Andrew Neil v the letter-writing readership of Private Eye.

So Paper Monitor was grateful to Twitter on Sunday for the opportunity to follow hacks from the and the as they scrapped it out over who deserved the credit for the exposure of Energy Secretary Chris Huhne's extra-marital affair.

Following up such tales for Monday morning is, of course, something of a tightrope for those who wish to avoid charges of prurience. The usual justification for intruding on a public figure's private life is to charge him or her with hypocrisy.

Unfortunately for Mr Huhne, the Daily Mail has ample ammunition in the form of a leaflet circulated in his constituency during the run-up to the election.

Illustrated with snaps from the Huhne household photo album, it includes captions such as "I took becoming a father so seriously I gave up smoking" and "Family matters so much to me. Where would I be without them?"

Writer Jane Fryer wonders aloud, in faux-naif mode, why Mr Huhne felt compelled to impart such homely anecdotes and observations with the townsfolk of Eastleigh:

Had he decided that, after years of keeping them firmly out of the limelight, now was the time to share his beloved family with the world?

Or, more cynically, he perhaps thought these happy snaps of him in scenes of happy domesticity would counteract his rather pompous public image and boost his chances of re-election in what was a very marginal constituency where he had a majority of only 568 votes.

The Daily Mirror's political staff examine how the affair will affect Conservative-Lib Dem relations within the coalition.

Meanwhile, their colleagues on the backbench subs desk seize the opportunity of running as a headline: "New Tory Anger at Clegg Over Leg Over."

The Guardian is keen to demonstrate that it isn't really interested in such scuttlebutt, relegating the story to the fifth column on an even numbered page (but nonetheless is outdone by the Independent, which - alone on Fleet Street - ignores it altogether).

At the foot of the Berliner's terse copy is the observation:

Some commentators questioned whether Huhne was targeted because he had previously spoken out against the News of the World, one of the papers to print snatched pictures of him and his mistress. Last year, Huhne wrote in the Guardian demanding an inquiry into the News of the World phone-hacking scandal saying: "It strikes at the heart of the privacy any individual can expect in a civilised society."

And which paper played the biggest role in publicising allegations of phone-hacking? The Guardian. Don't let it be said that Fleet Street feuds are confined to the tabloids.

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"I'm Pavlos and I actually need the toilet" - Ice-breaker from England fan who entered the players' dressing room

Pavlos Joseph, from south London, finds himself in police custody in South Africa this morning, after being arrested and charged with trespassing. He told a Sunday paper that he took a wrong turn in the stadium in Cape Town on Friday night and found himself in the dressing room, staring at David Beckham, who asked who he was.

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