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Rather bovine Government inspector sent to check up on expenses claims for swimming-pool maintenance

I said I wanted a swimming-pool, not swimming poo

If this is Oxford, it's a bit of a misnomer

BSE develops an aquatic strain

Ah well, there goes my Cowherd of the Year trophy

Dog breeder develops a new breed of dog that expands exponentially on contact with water

[The cow] I am not worried about mad cow disease as I am a duck...

Gosh, this must be the first manatee sighted in Buckinghamshire

I told you I could teach her to swim

You can lead a cow to water, and you can make it sink

MPs accused of milking it for all its worth

I don't care if you are a French cow, you're not piscine in there

...and the claim for swimming pool cleaning and cattle husbandry? Well, as an MP devoted to achieving value for money, I think I should be congratulated on my innovative solution at a mere £23,000....

The local MP was worried how this would look on his expenses claim

Duncan Good-moo?

Barbara Woodhouse's eyesight was not as good as it used to be

Interesting flotation device you have there, Perkins

Olympics budget cuts planned

BSE - British Swimming Establishment?

Can't you just have a calf the usual way?

You can lead a horse to water but usually the cows have got there first

I still say you need a surf board for real Surf and Turf

Chick-fil-A launches new summer ad campaign

Get out? I can't with this photographer here. I'm 'au naturelle', dear boy!

Dolly was disqualified in the Fresian-style race

I blame all these medical programmes on television these days - the herd just isn't happy with the natural way of giving birth any more

George thought bigger than most fishermen when it came to bait...

A new low for you, isn't it, Henry?

come on man, bring me a decent towel, that blue thing is not good!

Udderwater swimming

The training regime was tough in Pamplona

Out here? are you sure? I swear I got in on the udder side.

I wasn't being mean, Diedre, there really is a shallow cow in the pool

Udderly ridiculous?

Silly cow!

What do you mean, 'The doggy paddle isn't my best stroke'?

"You think I'm trouble, wait until you see where the dish and spoon ran away to!"

Tom regretted buying a cheap scare-cow

What was that about bovine perspiration again, dear?

"I thought you said this was going to be a walk in the park!"

I told you the cow would work as well as that silly cleaning robot

Terry was doing his utmost not to frighten the cow

Oh, Daddy, can we keep her, PLEEEASE?

Councillor Jefferson had to admit that the "no petting, no bombing" sign did not specifically ban cows

Herd the one about the cow in a swimming pool?

"Diversifying farmers are seen capitalising with solutions to the latest hose-pipe ban"

If cows did jobs, no. 346: 'It's just as a I thought - dead leaves in your overflow grating. Pass me my tool bag and I'll go back down and clear 'em out...'

Terrorists left an explosive cow in the Prime Minister's swimming-pool? That's a-bomb-in-a-bull.

Pool expenses claim investigations reveal Minister's cash cow

Heavy rain threatens to cancel this year's events in Pamplona

If only I'd been allowed to claim for pool cleaning on expenses, I could have afforded a human to do the job.

"And that's how you clean a swimming pool" Ermintrude told the lib-dem MP.

I did warn you not to trust your sat nav

The evening dress had been a success but Daisy was finding the swim suit section more difficult.

Soon every cow will want its own bidet

Big dip in UK beef sales confirmed

George had a secret weapon in this year's Crabbing World Championship.

According to my sat nav, Guv, this should be the cattle market

There was a suspicion that this tri-athlete had been on hormone supplements..

Another pat on the back for Rebecca Adlington

I'll hold on to him, Ethel - you go and buy more Huggies

I always knew the "Milka" cow was only painted purple!

Ernie only realise his new patented Cow-Dip was too strong when his fresian came out minus her spots......

Bovine costumes must be worn

Woops, nearly lost me trunks there..

After yet another failed attempt, Daisy was put on suicide watch

That was fun. Can I go off the high board now?

Well, I'm not sleeping in the wet patch ...

Lewis couldn't understand it....Delia said to marinate the beef before frying, but it didn't look very appetising.....

Now go and hide, Daisy, whilst I try and sell my pool-cleaning services uo the owner

Cow in pool? That's what most of the MP's are calling theirs after the expense claims fiasco

Due to a shortage of asses, Cleopatra had to make cutbacks.

Bob's attempts at an organic solution to algae in his pool failed when Daisy couldn't master grazing and a snorkel.

Funny the things one finds when one clears out one's moat

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Now I can justify that expense claim for cleaning the swimming pool!

At least when it was only raining cats and dogs, Derek's patio didn't get so badly flooded

I dunno Mildred, I think the water is going to have to be a lot hotter if this is going to be ready for dunner..

correction:
I dunno Mildred, I think the water is going to have to be a lot hotter if this is going to be ready for dinner..

Producer of Genesis video misunderstands lyrics to "Ermintrudeep"

My goodness, its Friesian in there. Ive gone all white.

Firstly came the plumbers, and now Polish cowherds climb onto dry land after crossing the English Channel

How Now Drowned Cow

Every celebrity has his own pool these days, even Jon Jon Bovine ...

Luckily Farmer Ted found an old rusting locomotive in his yard, so he borrowed its cow-catcher

Turns out the pool cleaner was a proper cow...

It was Gordon Ramsay's pool, and he would not stop calling the poor creature a heifer

The bigger the pet, the bigger the bath.

Entry requirements for the new Bovine Crufts seemed a little extreme

You're not getting out of the barbecue this easily, mate

Biblical Twitter: Bullrushes pool, Moses leads to freedom.

Extensive testing led the cleaner to believe that Barrymore's pool was now safe for human use once again.

Derek could not believe his luck. "Get the barbecue ready, Ethel," he yelled.

Derek realised that somebody must have left the back door to McDonald's open again

Poor Derek had a cow when he saw the mess

Hey diddle diddle,
While the MPs fiddle,
The Cow didn't quite clear the moon........

George and Enid could argue until the cows came home, but it was now clearly time to stop

No daisy, get back in, you've only done 10 lengths, how do you expect to win gold with that attitude?

And get a more expensive lilo next time, will you, Giles? That thing's a death trap.

Farmer Derek decided to go one better than last year's infamous 'Mars Bar incident' at the local swimming-pool