±«Óãtv

Although John was rehearsing his mind was still on the Guardian that sat on the chair in the corner.

John still wasn't comfortable with the air banjo

Don’t worry about quitting, John. Jo Brand can shave her hair and replace you, and nobody will even notice.

Kristina Rihanoff explains that she doesn’t feel John’s replacement has the same charisma, but is still looking forward to dancing with Jeremy Paxman

As a Sergeant-at- Arms he’s fine – it’s his legs that are the problem

Don't worry about quitting, John. Jo Brand can shave her hair and replace you, and nobody will even notice.

(let's try again)

Kristina Rihanoff explains that she doesn't feel John's replacement has the same charisma, but is still looking forward to dancing with Jeremy Paxman

(resubmitted)

As a Sergeant-at-Arms he's fine - it's his legs that are the problem

(resubmitted)

So, Rihanoff and Sergeantoff then

John looks (at the) back at (of) what he's going to be missing the most about Strictly Come Dancing...

Rehersals get underway for Prescott: The Musical

Yeah, dancing with my arms around her when she's facing away from me is much more fun

Rihanoff and HeRanOff

John decided he needed to devote more time to his "How to Tell the Time through the Medium of Dance" DVD

John rehearses for his starring role in "Beauty and the Beast on Ice"

John admits he didn't think his heart would take much more dancing with Kristina

And then, if the traffic is approaching from the front ...

And that's what it's all about.

Dancing at Lunacy

Unfortunately, even Kristina couldn't face John dancing without laughing

John wonders whether it's wig or dyed

Not so much Saturday Night Fever, more Friday afternoon slight temperature

The Dashing White (-haired) Sergeant

The two foot rule from his high school dance days was a hard habit to break

With John's stomach and Kristina's top, they fitted quite well as dancing partners

John felt let down by the title of the show. Now, if Kristina had been just a little more strict ...

Ballet-hoo

He desperately wanted to be the Fred to her Ginger

Cutting in on the invisible man was proving difficult for John

John decides to quit after he overhears the judges' plans to include the splits in next week's dance

Look, John, we both can't lead, OK?

John had only been following instructions to "dance like Blair," but had followed Tony, not Lionel

John was feeling confident on the cha cha front, but the hip hop segment was profoundly worrying

At the audition, John is upset after being told he is too old to play Billy Eliot

Shame! Poor John was hustled!

Tangoing-going-gone

Whilst Christina Aguilera's husband continued to age, she was reaping the benefits of her workout routine.

John glances in the mirror and realises he should have worn a striped shirt.

Kristina's air cymbals were no match for John's air banjo

At the audition, John is upset to be told that, not only is he too old to play Billy Eliot, he's also too old to play Bruce Forsyth

John thought the Highland Fling was a great idea because he wanted Arlene to admire his legs.

Perhaps, he mused, if I copied her hair as well, the judges may be kinder..

Tired of his hand 'slipping' down her back, she decided to take matters into her own hands

Hip hop? More like plastic hip replacment hop.

Tripping the light fantastic had been John's dream, it was just he was stuck at the tripping stage.

'Whaddya mean "hip 'op"?'

John (thinking). Thank God I don't have to wear a leotard and tights

Dasvidanya!

You know when you've been Tango'd!

John is counting silently,
"..two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, step,step, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, twirl left, damn, right, now I lost count again,"

John was looking forward to this week's dance - the Quickstep out the door.

This is John Sergeant reporting from Westminster... Oh! Rude words 1 through 8!

John and Kristina forfeit the Strictly chauffeur and so practice for the Tube ride home.

I do wish she'd stop saying "OK John, once more with feeling" because that was my idea too!

After asking Kristina to dance facing away from him, John finds those nagging pains in his chest go away

And I always thought the American Smooth was Richard Gere.

Saturday Night Leaver

Go, go, quick, quick, go

John enjoyed seeing the back of her, but the judges will enjoy seeing the back of him...

Past de deux

Tha cast rehearse for the upcoming musical version of The Plank.

Billy Elliot 2 - Electric Boogaloo

John (thinking). I'm going to be ever so popular at weddings.

Yes, it did get away but it was this big. Honest!

Kristina was convinced there was something wrong with the ballet class's mirror

John: Rather wish they were still doing the minuet

After not getting any joy from the judges in the past, I have decided to withdraw from this week's caption competition

:-)

John was thinking of starting an act with Kristina as Apache dancers - he was already half-scalped anyway

John even had to rehearse the "wave goodbye".

"That man in the corner is looking at me as if my stomach is about to pop out form under my shirt!"

Kristina decides its safer to face away from John after she notices the shape of his trousers

Kristina had been hoping for a younger man as dancing partner, perhaps Bruce Forsyth

Palais de Dunce

I'm a ventriliquist, get me out of here....

Last of the summer rumba

I'm a puppeteer, get me out of here....!

And this John is your body position so that you can induce the reverse swing in the latter overs, especially when it's overcast at Edgbaston. Well it's about as relevant as trying to teach you to dance!

Strictly Signing Semaphore is not going to get that past the moderators...

Taking the air guitar to new levels...the air ballroom dancing championships begin.

John was never the same after exiting Strictly Come Dancing but he found daily comfort in his imaginary friend Dolly.

Taxi!

John had been prepared to continue until he saw the film 'They Shoot Horses, Don't They?'

John's main problem was remembering the tune, he kept drifting back to the Dr Who theme 'Rubbery rump, rubbery rump...'

Too much starch. Definitely, too much starch.

As a dancer, Sergeant was rank

The X-it Factor

Kristina was shocked when she realised that John had slipped out of her grip and slid in behind her.

Christina was expecting John to turn with her as she piroutted but his mind was on other things.

So we creep up behind them like this and I'll grab Arlene and you take out Craig.

Parker and Lady Penelope prepare to join Strictly Come Dancing

The Madame Tussauds waxwork of John Sergeant performed considerably better than the real thing.

"And a 1-2-3-4-into air guitar"

Bolshy ballet

The choice of "I'm a Little Teapot" as backing track for John's jive was sure to go down well.

The best supporting role goes to John's buttons...

The tandem skateboard was only a prototype, but after the first test-run John knew it needed more speed.

...ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

Don't worry John, the 'Dancing on Ice' judges will be much kinder to us next year.

Belly-dancing seemed more his natural forte.

This comment has been referred for further consideration. Explain.