±«Óãtv

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Kenyan women eat stones.

2. Whaling began in the US.

3. A 1,999ft peak is a hill but a 2,000ft one is a mountain.

4. Loaves of bread are sold for 5p.

5. Plants can combat stress.

6. Cancer can be diagnosed by palm reading.

7. Sagging jeans are a fashion that began in US prisons, where belts were removed to prevent inmates hanging themselves.

8. Noel Edmonds believes the souls of his dead parents follow him as orbs.

9. Texting impairs drivers more than alcohol.

10. The UK has more than 20 types of toxic fungi that can kill humans.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Shirley Dowding from Cheshire for this week's picture of 10 cannons at St Michael's Mount, Cornwall.

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Monitor note: To make sure we're still friends after the slight interruption to services on Thursday, here's a bumper crop.

In the article explaining , a "fakeaway" is described as "a curry made with a jar of sauce, bag of rice and a packet of poppadoms from the supermarket". We have that all the time at home, except we call it dinner.
Kathy, Cardiff

Re: See a , pick it up. The women in it spent a £1 day for a year so she could buy her brother a wedding present. Did anyone else wonder why she didn't just get a full time job instead of struggling along on a part time salary? I hope her brother appreciated his wedding present. Note to my brother - just buy me a bunch of flowers!
Kerry Taylor, Bournemouth

An storyline about a character's relationship with his 15-year-old stepdaughter has prompted more than 150 complaints. At the end of August, the ±«Óãtv received 156 complaints over scenes showing character Jase Dyer being by a criminal gang and then lying dead in hospital. I can't help wondering if this the same 150 odd people in both cases.
Dave godfrey, Swindon

I have a feeling that the kind of people who would vote in a mobile phone sponsored music "award" are by default more likely to vote for the as best reunion act over Led Zeppelin. I don't think it really means that everyone has cloth ears and no taste whatsoever so Emma Bunton needn't be too shocked.
Martin, Bristol, UK

believe that satisfactory is not good enough. Maybe someone should teach them the definition.
Ralph, Cumbria

How shocking to read that half of are inadequate. And if that weren't bad enough, I've also heard that half of all statistics lessons are below average.
Adam, London, UK

Re: . You could have found a more exciting picture to represent topless models couldn't you? Even I've got a topless shot of myself on the internet, and I hardly ever take my shirt off. You must try harder to appeal to my lust. Not that I'm really all that vain, obviously. Obviously.
Danny Cunningham, Amersham

I'd just like to thank the contributors to Caption Competition, as the No 1 caption caused me to laugh so loud that all my colleagues looked at me more strangely than normal...
Darren McCormac, London

Re: Silas in London (Wednesday's letters). Your drinking, by your own admission, is occaisional. The 9 drinker types were for heavy drinkers. Or were you too drunk to notice?
Tom, Nottingham, UK

I didn't get a single mini-quiz question right this week. I'm now beginning to wonder whether I ever watched the series at all!
John, Peterborough, UK

Re: for credit crunch bankers. Haven't they suffered enough?
Gatz, Chelmsford

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Who's to blame for the great financial crisis?

"Is it the Gordon Gekko-style , exemplified by their penchant for lap-dancing clubs, expensive champagne and fast cars? Or is it the new generation of buccaneering bank CEOs recruited from outside the sector...They have gambled with our money, not theirs. Many ordinary people are paying for their personal indebtedness."

This is not the editorial in the Morning Star, Britain's socialist newspaper, but the leader in the Daily Telegraph. The Telegraph, choice of captains of industry and City boys and girls, biting the hand that feeds.

"The business of Wall St appears to be the cream of villainy." That's more Star-like. But no, it's the Guardian, quoting itself from a 1929 leader. "Such anger is necessary again today."

The Sun, meanwhile, lays into "greedy traders" and City regulators.

The Morning Star itself addresses the question asked by many a luminary, is this the end of capitalism? "Well, the answer is, unfortunately, No." What the paper does expect to end is "untrammelled neo-liberalism".

By which Paper Monitor thinks it means more rules, more power to the people.

"We should know that wealth without work is a chimera unless it is inherited or won...the alchemists were wrong: you cannot produce gold from base metal." The Star? Nah. The Telegraph.

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Winning entries in the caption competition.

This week, it's an outfit from designer Giles at London Fashion Week. But what's being said?

The competition is now closed.

Thanks to all who entered. There is no prize, but the traditional small quantity of kudos to the following:

6. penny-farthing
The original wardrobe malfunction.

5. Eregol
Considering her husband's games career was drying up, Mrs Pacman decided to try other avenues of work to make ends meet.

4. Mrs_James
She walked away feeling that she was only another notch on Captain Kirk's bedpost.

3. nick_fowler
Luke, I am your mother

2. Fi-Glos
With rumours that Naomi Campbell will be attending the after show party, this is voted the outfit the models would most like to keep.

1. eltelsopwith
Zippy's gender surgery had been only partly successful.

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"Quantum physics helped me to realise that I was creating this destructive reality" - Jonny Wilkinson on how he learned not to fear failure and injury.

Not only did reading about Schrodinger's Cat - alive and dead at the same time until you check which - help change the fly-half's world view, but it led him to explore Buddhism in his search for enlightenment. Returning to the field after four months off injured - and sporting a newly loosened up hairstyle - he racked up 22 points for Newcastle.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press

Panto season has come early for the papers. After covering the human face of the banking crisis - pictures of sacked staff hugging, in tears and clutching - it's now all about the baddies.

The Mirror and the Daily Telegraph name a particularly rich individual as chief villain in the HBOS crisis. He won't be named in these pages because money can buy a good lawyer and Paper Monitor has no plans to seek employment outside the ±«Óãtv.

Metro splashes with the claim from Scotland's first minister, Alex Salmond, that "spivs and speculators" are to blame.

For a paper that has a younger readership than many of its rivals, the word "spiv" in its front page headline may have left some a little mystified, especially those not acquainted with either St Trinians or Arthur Daley.

So, a quick refresher. According to the OED, a spiv is "a man who lives by his wits and has no regular employment; one engaging in petty blackmarket dealings and freq. characterized by flashy dress".

Talking of sharp fashion, at a time when share prices are crashing, banks collapsing, jobs being axed and house prices tumbling, at least Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton provides some light relief for editors.

Pictures of her at a roller disco dressed in canary yellow hot pants, a green sequinned top and neon pink legwarmers are featured loud and proud in most of today's papers. The unveiling of her "slim, toned" legs is enough for a picture special in the Sun.

In the current financial climate PM is now suggesting a royal replacement for the now-questionable saying "as safe as houses". From now on it's "as safe as Middleton in hot pants getting splashed across the front page".

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"The actress Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands" - Actress Megan Fox treads a familiar men's magazine interview path.

OK. So there is an actress called Megan Fox and she was in Transformers and she is much loved by the glossy magazines because she seems very glossy. And it is not unknown for these actresses to speculate about the circumstances they might kiss a girl because that is very much a la mode and more than somewhat loved by lad mag readers. But hurt a mountain ox?

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Headline: "Scottish jobless below UK average." Surely if they were above average, they'd find it much easier to find jobs?
Simon, Edinburgh

Re:. Perhaps I would be considered a conformist drinker, but I generally like to have a glass of wine with a meal as I believe it complements the flavour. Or am I some weird tenth type of drinker?
Silas, London, UK

I can't help but wonder who this newbie is in the story . Will he be replacing the drunk girl in any alcohol related stories from now on? Was she sacked for being too drunk at work?
Felicity, Cheltenham

Re: . I was thinking of moving my bank accounts from Halifax to Lloyds. Now I don't need to!
MCK, Coventry

to merge. Wonder what names they'll come up with for that company... they already have four to choose from.
Lee, Birmingham

The man in your video about the didn't seem to really like his posh new gadget. Maybe he could send it my way? He can have a couple of books if he likes?
Paul T, Manchester

I do so enjoy the laid on for us by the Magazine. Not only a welcome break from the monotony of work and release from the knowledge that there's still half a week to go (half empty perhaps), but they are fun and indeed informative too. Take today's quiz for example, in order to highlight the costs of life to us we find on completing the quiz that from the nine questions bestowed upon us a total of 10 points were available. Cheated of one point before we even start, a harsh reality but perhaps an adequate reflection of the times.
Matt Hardcastle, Newcastle-upon-Tyne
Monitor note: Apologies, all correct now.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Good to see that Paper Monitor's finger is so firmly on the pulse, being not the only one interested in hunting down yesterday's photogenic former employees of Lehman Brothers.

The story behind the much-featured hugging couple is fittingly told by the Daily Mail and Express. Why? Because good-looking, high-achieving couple + drama + wedding = Mail (and therefore Express) magic.

They are ex-Lehman worker Blue, and her fiancé, Jack, a fellow banker further along the Wharf at Barclays, whose wedding plans have been "left in turmoil". Having paid a "deposit on her wedding costing tens of thousands of pounds", the bride-to-be tells the papers that "maybe we will just have to have a small picnic".

The Independent has tracked down one well-quoted banker who had only started at the bank that very morning, Edouard d'Archimbaud. For him, unlike Mr Dick Whittington, the streets of London are most definitely not paved with gold and he's returning to France.

Upholding its left-wing reputation, the Guardian's G2 has a playful take on the bankers' situation, analysing the contents of the sacked workers' boxes (one of which includes a toy Ferrari) as they left the buildings in London and New York. "By their accessories shall ye know them. A set of framed pictures, golf clubs or fishing rods says, 'I had a swanky corner office and life was good'."
(We at Magazine Towers would like to know if you too were summarily sacked.)

For any Lehman Brothers' ex-employees worried about paying the mortgage on their Chelsea pied a terre, the Times has a story which could be of interest - Terry Wrench's eco hobbit house in Pembrokeshire has been saved from demolition.

Being part of a - very a la mode - sustainable community has meant that the roundhouse, built with mud, straw, sand and water with a grass roof, will no longer be flattened. Although the commute from Wales could prove more costly than the money saved on living expenses, unless you've managed to hold on to the helicopter of course.

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"It's not so hard. It's just like playing in a film" - Carla Bruni-Sarkozy on carrying out official duties with her husband, French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

The model turned folky songstress turned French first lady granted a rare interview in the form of an informal chat with Jools Holland on his Later... TV show. Asked how she fits into her role on the arm of a globe-trotting statesman, Mrs Sarkozy's reply emphasised the "stage" aspect of life on the world stage.

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Another day, another data loss.

At least that's how it seems with stories about missing memory sticks and mislaid CD-Roms becoming almost daily news fare. (The at least comes with a happy ending after an NHS stick containing the names of 200 patients was found in a street.)

But it's not just hapless institutions and bungling companies that have a tendency to misplace their electronic memory receptacles.

Can anyone out there really vouchsafe they know the whereabouts of all personal details, photos, addresses, PowerPoint presentations, spreadsheets etc they have ever saved on to a portable electronic memory device?

For all those who are niggled or plagued by the thought they have lost one or more memory sticks/CD-Rs/diskettes/ZX Spectrum-compatible cassette tapes, down the years, this is your chance to 'fess up.

The Monitor is hosting a missing memory amnesty for all readers.

OK, you may be a long way from infringing the Data Protection Act (if you think have, then this really ISN'T the forum to air your incompetence ), but here's a chance to register your loss in public. Using the COMMENTS button below, tell us the memory format you have lost - disks, sticks, CDs and so on - and roughly, without identifying any unsuspecting individual or group of people, what they contained.

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Re. Mondays Paper Monitor. The Times has got it all wrong as they obviously can't tell the difference between a spirit orb and the reflection of the camera flash in the background.
Orbs actually look more like bubbles and appear lots on pictures of my house for some reason.
Rosy, Bolton, England

Not only can you now be fined for , it's also worth noting that it's also illegal to be drunk in a licensed premises in Ireland (Intoxicating Liquor Act 2003-2008). Looks like now the only option is to get drunk at home or work. Although I don't think my boss would be too happy about that.
Anthony Finucane, Dublin, Ireland

To answer Jinja from Edinburgh, it's almost impossible to design a comprehensive list of what constitutes an emergency worthy of calling 999. However, if you see a potentially violent and/or dangerous and/or destructive crime being committed, if you see someone injured or in danger of being injured or you see something on fire, call 999. On the other hand, if you've forgotten what time Strictly Come Dancing is on or you've been mis-sold something you saw advertised in your local paper, don't. Use the internet to get the information/advice you need. The emergency services are a limited resource and none of us can afford to have this precious resource wasted on such frivolous requests.
PS, Newcastle, England

Jinja from Edinburgh, stories about non-emergency calls to 999 do not serve to raise unnecessary doubt but hopefully to educate people, whom (like yourself) appear to be unaware of what constitutes an emergency. With regard to your example of the burgled pet shop, given the police's limited resources, they do not attend burglaries as an emergency unless the burglars have been spotted at or near the scene of the crime at the of the call.
CS, Manchester, England

Is it possible for naturists to be out-of-pocket due to the credit crunch?
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

An unfortunate case of nominative determinism in the case of the .
Alex Kennett, Bath

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

A variation on A Level Results day syndrome (you know, the compulsion many newspapers feel once a year to show pictures of pretty, high-achieving, ±«Óãtv Counties 18-year-old girls jumping in the air).

Today's variation is: how to illustrate the collapse of a bank with pictures of pretty, high-achieving, ±«Óãtv Counties thirtysomethings carrying their possessions in a cardboard box.

(Incidentally, one wonders when people started getting the box instead of the sack?)

The picture choices, for your reference, are:

Times: Nice-looking couple, hugging, on the front page. Blonde woman with pearl earrings, carrying box with trainers in it, trendy specs, apparently horrified to be photographed.
FT: Worried boys in pinstripes standing on the street, on their mobiles. Same blonde woman as above, but pictured a few seconds later, struggling to keep her dress on her shoulder. Bra strap clearly visible.
Mirror: Same hugging couples as the Times, sharing a tender moment.
Guardian: A worker - thoughtfully wearing a Lehman baseball cap - holds his head over a pint of Heineken and a bottle of Rose.
Daily Mail: Radically different approach - *brunette* woman (but also with pearl earrings) also carring a box. It's apparently an unopened box of French wine. Inside, *three* clinches of the hugging couple - oh the joys of modern cameras' shutter speeds. The supplied captions are priceless:
1. "Looks like it's true: Lehman's London staff take in the news"
2. "Don't worry, we'll start again: A comforting kiss"
3. "At least hugs are free: A tender embrace"
Daily Telegraph: The same hugging couple on the front. Not only is she blonde, but that is a HUGE rock she has on her hand. Unless the picture has been flipped (which a self-regarding publication like the Telegraph would surely never do to a news image), it's on her right hand, which is not quite perfect, but hey.

Paper Monitor wonders how these people are feeling today. If you are one of them, or know one of them, let us know using the Comments form below.

Last word meanwhile goes to the Times which made the rather complicated financial story real for readers by demonstrating the impact on ordinary folk, like dog walkers whose clients are now able to exercise their own pets. Sphinx Patterson, who was until yesterday the fitness trainer at Lehmans, but who on the upside now has displaced as owner of Paper Monitor's favourite name, said he had spoken to a "lovely receptionist" who was very upset at losing her job. "She was in tears as she was packing away her pens," he said.

Now that's a story everyone can relate to.

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"I'd spend my money on Glastonbury or Duran Duran records" - ±«Óãtv Secretary Jacqui Smith on how she spent her holiday job earnings.

In an effort to "round out" the female faces in the Cabinet, Company magazine has done a series of interviews focusing on personal issues. Thus we learn that Yvette Cooper, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, had ME for three years; Communities Secretary Hazel Blears was asked at a job interview what contraception she was using because "they couldn't afford to employ a woman who was going to get pregnant", and ±«Óãtv Secretary Jacqui Smith betrays her new romantic phase as she tells how she spent the money she earned cleaning cabins and loos on a ferry.

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about misusing the 999 emergency number (also see , , ). But, yet again, no information on exactly what is an emergency. These tales just cast unnecessary doubt in people's minds. My local pet shop has a sign outside saying "in case of emergency, call 999" - when I asked why they'd put it up, they said it was because when their store was recently burgled, passers-by notified the local police who came four hours later, giving the thieves ample time to get away.
Jinja, Edinburgh

Martin asked Americans to explain "hockey moms", as Sarah Palin describes herself (Friday letters). Hockey mom = mother of boy(s) who play competitive ice hockey. An incredibly expensive "sport" indulged in by middle class white families. Fights on & off the ice between players & among parents are both encouraged & common.
Margaret Welch, Westborough MA, US

I'm not American but am a Brit who has lived in US now for 22 years and I think I can answer your question. A "hockey mom" ("soccer mom" is very common too) is a manager, a person who can multi-task. As Mom she's running the family, holding down a job of her own, doing the shopping, picking up the kids, getting them to hockey practice after school and then getting them home, fed and into bed (interestingly Dads don't feature in this scenario). She's busy and she's organised. The implication is that if she can do all this at her own house, she can manage the White House as competently.
Martin Pearson, Upstate NY, US

Here in the US the power of voting blocks is unquestioned. We have the usual class distinctions, as well as several others. The Democrats usually have the support of the African-Americans, called the Black vote. Republicans usually have the support of the white Southerners, called the red-neck vote. Politicians in the past noticed that there was a hitherto unnoticed group of suburban mothers, with kids still in middle school and the kids all played football, known over here as soccer. The moms became known as "soccer moms" and were seen as a decisive voting block in several states. The pols took it all very seriously and vied for the good opinion of the block. A "hockey mom" is of this ilk, only with a different sport. And yes, the lines of these blocks are fuzzy things, so you could easily have a voter in several of them at any one time. I am a white chorus Dad who fishes but doesn't hunt, owns several pets and is currently employed...
Bill, Belgrade, Maine

So Noel, if I follow what you are doing () and get caught, could you please pay the fine on behalf of me? Thanks.
Helen, Leicester

"insists the evidence presented in the displays could convince even non-believers of the 'fatal flaws' in Darwin's theory of evolution". Surely if he is displaying facts purporting to the creationist theory in a scientific way then there is no need to "convince" anyone. It should just enable others to examine the facts and whether they are relevant to the proof or disproof of a purported hypothesis. "Convincing" someone based on selected facts would surely be more like "brainwashing" someone as mentioned earlier in the article, no?
Tom Webb, Epsom, UK

Re "25 years ago there were no female presenters on the news..." says cultural commentator Norman Lebrecht." He can't be very old, or he'd remember Angela Rippon, who was presenting the news a lot longer than 25 years ago.
Rob, London, UK

MJ from Ingatestone (Friday letters) - worrying about the fuel bill 'bad maths'. If the £910m package were shared equally among the £61m people in the UK they would receive about £15 each, not the £1m each proposed. Spin it may be but accusations of bad maths should be left to others...
Tom, Southampton

If you're , how do you get home from the pub of a Friday night?
Stuart, Croydon

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Sweet. Noel Edmonds and one of his orbs (right) - "little bundles of positive energy" that follow him around and he believes represent his late parents.

The Times reports that the former Noel's House Party presenter says these are invisible to the naked eye, but do appear in digital photos. But the article was illustrated with a still from his interview on the Breakfast sofa.

Fascinated, Paper Monitor decided to take a wander through its digital picture archive to check out his theory. First to be pulled from the vaults was this picture above. Edmonds 1, sceptics O.

Meanwhile, the woe of holidaymakers continue. Also in the Times, Alitalia's spokeswoman plays down fears the airline is struggling to pay its fuel bills. "Don't worry. We won't be seeing thousands of sunburnt Brits in shorts camping in the airports."

No, but in the Daily Mail there are sunburnt Brits in their swimsuits in St Lucia.

If Paper Monitor had the misfortune to be stranded on a sunshine break, rest assured it too would choose an inappropriately skimpy bikini/tankini/mankini from its vast collection in which to pose for Fleet St photographers.

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"Sun-damaged wrecks totter about. Their glory days have long flown but still they flaunt their toasted old bods in the miniest of mini-kinis" - Joan Collins on the beaches of the Cote D'Azur

The doyenne of both acting and decorum maintenance trains her eyes on the south of France to offer credit crunched readers an insight into a hedonistic world of Russian oligarchs and excessive lobster and champagne consumption.

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