±«Óãtv

The credit crunch:

I have two apples and lend you one. We now each have six apples.

World terrorism - warfare without uniforms

The credit crunch:
When Goldilocks ate some porridge, she got a poorly tummy. Now none of the bears want to share each others porridge in case they get sick too.

Global warming:
Passing wind under the duvet.

Global Dimming: The lights are on, but nobody's home.

You lend out your car to Mrs. Careful and make money!..so you lend out your neighbours car to Ronnie Ram Rader and the business turns to custard!

Investor's braces may be bright, but lending to those who've no hope of paying isn't.

The Credit Crunch:

Wall Street was climbing a ladder. They ran out of rungs, but they kept climbing. Now they are plummeting...

The Labour Government - 'Stupid is as Stupid does'

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Obesity is like a man slipping on a banana skin, initially funny but ultimately painful.

Being audited: Like having a well-dressed man reaching down your throat and asking you why you are missing a kidney.

The above comments:
A place for the mathematically challenged; counting to 15 isn't that difficult.

Saw an email at work explaining Economics using cows. Funny, but more than 15 words.

(the sentence this one was EXACTLY 15 words long-and so it this one)

Political Statement - Truth but not as we know it!

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Global warming - it's about flatulent cows really, so try to eat more chicken and veg

Renewable energy is like sex - plenty of it about but always just out of reach.

Health care costs-

Eat an apple a day, play hard and stay away from people with bad colds

World poverty: Realising you are a millionaire in Zimbabwe

The Iraq War:

You sell somebody some tools, say "hey you've got my tools!", and beat them up.

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Global warming is caused by flatulent cows, therefore we need to eat more burgers.

Credit Crunch: Imagine losing a £5 note, then finding a 50p piece, only to realise its fake.

We're born, we die. The bit in between is called life.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary....

Scientists claim majority die from natural causes - Government encourages population to take more risks.

Global Warming:

The Earth is like a broken fridgefreezer, shove a towel under it.

new cultures, exciting scenery, no stress, lovely weather, no mobiles saying @I'm on a ship' ................oh! world crises. I thought you said cruises

Economic Outlook is as appealing as a gorilla in a bikini..

On my previous comments:

I think I'm funny, I think I'm clever; I'm not funny, and I can't count.

The Credit Crunch - financially like cornflakes without milk

Oil: Oil is like wine - drink too much of it and you quickly wish you hadn't.

Credit Crunch: Like the parable of the Loaves and Fishes. But without any fish, or bread..

101 greatest reasons to vote Labour

- Next week: How to nail Jelly to the ceiling

Rising petrol and food prices -

When filling up costs as much as a good bottle of Scotch used to

The Conservative Party - Spend more time failing on the right wing then David Beckham in America

Global Warming: You're the one doing the binge drinking; their the ones who will get the hangover..

Oops, try again:

Global Warming: You're the one doing the binge drinking; they're the ones who will get the hangover..

Tony Blair struggled for 10 years to save this country - but Brown got in eventually!

Iran's/North Korea's nuclear ambition:

We have a big stick, but won't let them have one. They might hit us!

Middle East Peace Talks: Trying to organise meaningful, honest and conciliatory dialogue between the parties is like herding cats.

Religious differences:

God's way of saying that we don't know anything, and he's not going to tell...

George W Bush

Proof that Political Patronage is the eighth deadly sin

New Labour and Tories:
Six of one and half a dozen of the other

New Conservative Policy

From "Get on your bike" to "Get off my bike"

The Credit Crunch:

Labour gave us all the right numbers, but not necessarily in the right order!

The Olympics

Oh oh oh oh oh

That's not your speech Mr President That's the Olympic rings.

America got drunk ... now it's got a hangover

On voting for Goerge W. Bush

RECIPE FOR RUINING ENGLAND:

Take 1 Scottish Prime Minister, 1 Scottish Chancellor, etc etc etc

Global inequality and food shortages

Me me me it’s all about me. I want that, give it two me now.

Capitalism:

Eventually there will be one shop that sells everything. But the service will be terrible.

Global warming is like having a barbeque but burning your house down getting it started.

Global Warming:

Like wetting your pants: initially feels pleasant, but ultimately not good

THE WELFARE STATE:

Why just struggle to pay your own bills when you can pay somebody else's too?!

Lowering greenhouse gasses is like a fart in a lift, theres alot of blame but nobody wants to take responsibility

CREDIT CRUNCH:

Like lending your wife to a friend, now you won't even lend him your ladder.

The government encouraging us to save more:

Like Dracula telling you to eat more spinach

"Wall Street got drunk. It got drunk and now it's got a hangover."

And the US Government was the irresponsible off-licence selling cheap vodka to the drunk.

Voting in Zimbabwe is like poking an octopus, your only reward is an inky finger

WMD - Weapons of Mass Destruction or Words of Media Delusive ??

Games without frontiers, credit without tears.

Credit crunch: blindfolded game of musical chairs, played in a minefield, with a cracked record.

President Mugabe


We know he's evil, but he doesn't have oil!

"Renewable energy is like sex - plenty of it about but always just out of reach."

and the middle east don't like it

Global warming:

We let the air get dirty, we are all aerosoles, we better stop using them.

Credit Crunch: Is when the banks realise they are lending each other money they don't have!

I lied about WMDs? Tell that to the Iranian army or the Kurds!

±«Óãtv message boards:

Supplying megaphones to Beckham and Rooney and encouraging them to argue about Wittgenstein.

Credit crunch - I have two apples and lend you three ...!

The Credit Crunch

Gordon drove his dragster at Santa Pod Someone built a wall at the end

Credit Crunch – The cause: I have no apples, but I lease you four (now rotten) ones, borrowed from you.

Life as a Pessimist: Is like a box of chocolates – you always damn well know which one you'll get..

No more Tory Boom and Bust

Brown sat Canute like, convinced his will could stop the moons gravitaional forces

No deals on 42 days

UPS changed colours so Gordon wouldnt be caught handing over a brown bag of cash

The credit crunch is a computer virus for which the only known cure is Therapy with children expert in reality, common sense and basic mathematics

Referendum on EU Treaty

Singing: I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden

two incomes with a surplus = economic glee
same two incomes can't keep home = credit crunch

Defeat in Glasgow east

Too many people voted for the other Curran lady, Should have gone to Specsavers

On Mugabe

We liked him once, but then he turned bad - now for his other friends to realise

On what went wrong in Iraq:
'(the invasion of) Iraq is a long term success!'

Socialism:
There is one shop that sells everything and the service is terrible!

On gun crime:
Every country should give everyone a gun and we will teach them how to control gun crime.

Earthquakes are inevitable. If you bash two big plates together, something's gonna get broke.

I am a doughnut

Africa is difficult. The Africans want it back, but not all of them can.

China is booming. That's bad in the long run. And it's getting worse.

Inflation can be rampant, hyper, or runaway. Then it all get's too much - and stops.

Global Warming: A butterfly flaps its wings in China, you feel cold and turn the heating up..

The Credit Crunch:

"I know, we'll use this ball to get the other balls out of the tree."

Tensions in the Anglican Church: you're damned if you do; you're damned if you don't.

Economic crises: If we tel you there's going to be a recession, it will happen.

World Finance :

What you lose on the swings, you lose on the roundabouts

Global warming : OK, the sky may be getting warmer, but is that why it seems to be continuously melting over us?

Knife crime :-

Maybe the Government should appoint a really forceful and charismatic "Knife Czar" to have a stab at the problem

Overpopulation: like when you want one item but are forced to buy a package of ten.

Gay Anglicans -

Booing the Lambeth Talk

Zimbabwe/Mugabe: Like stepping in dog poo, you know its a stinking mess.

(With apologies to Jay Leno's writers)

The Iraq War: "Waking up in bed next to a hot woman whose Adam's apple you finally see."

The recession is like over ripe fruit: yucky but it can be sweet in places.