±«Óătv

Professor John Cunningham is - is it really possible to "specialise in general medicine" without appearing oxymoronic?
Ross, Essex, UK

Friday is the 60th nanniversary of the real Dr's WHO - the World Health Organisation. Does this mean they all retire and ?
Fred, Rotherham

brought back a horrible memory for me. About 10 years ago there was a city centre event in Bristol, where the various public services had put on informative and entertaining displays of their areas of activity. The police and fire services had staged a road traffic accident in a side street, involving a motor cyclist and a truck. It was very realistic, with paramedics attending to the injured motorcyclist, and police and fire crews doing what they do. So I moved in close and took lots of photos. Soon the awful truth dawned on me, and I scuttled away, red-faced, to let them get on with their job.
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

So, the using a mirror and the sun. I hope they finish the crosswords before they set light to them.
Rob Foreman, London, UK

Why do strung sausages give Louis Theroux a "farmyard feeling" ()? Does he imagine they are reared that way, little conjoined sacks of meat frolicking in pens?
Chris Clarke, Tunbridge Wells

Re *Thought* to be? You mean there could actually be a couple of these things roaming around, as yet unnoticed? Maybe I will close that window tonight.
Stig, London, UK

That credit crunch is certainly having an effect on the banks in the United States. Apparently the used "sperm purchased from a bank". Barclays, take note. It's the coming thing.
Mark, Reading

Why the fuss about the ? He was born a woman and kept his womb etc, so why the shock in the fact he's pregnant?
Rob, Reading

It is heartening to read in the (1 out of 7 if you're asking) that the lost luggage being sent to Milan for sorting is travelling by lorry. Perhaps the best decision made there all week.
Stoo, Lancashire, UK

I'm a bit worried about Ken Livingstone's quote. He doesn't exclude the dead.
Michael Hall, Croydon, UK

What a classic quote of the day! I would imagine most people would use "or" rather than "and", but each to their own, I guess.
Ed, Clacton, UK

Thanks for "more about today's quote". But when, oh when, are we going to have "more about today's mini-quiz"? Please please please? (I have asked before, and will continue asking until Monitor admits it's a great idea.)
Carol, Portugal

Surely even if the caption competition is not here we could have a picture with comments underneath? I enjoyed the alligator picture and wished for a huge list of 200+ witty comments (and 12 not funny ones) as in days gone by.
Naomi P, Sussex

Re . Is it really necessary on the photo to say that Cage is the one on the left? I know Kathleen Turner played a drag queen in Friends, but I think most people would work out that Nicolas is the male and Kathleen is the female.
Louise, Sheffield

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Only 1% of parking tickets are appealed against, despite more than half of all appeals being successful.

2. The Romans were the first to introduce the image of Britannia to coins and it was reintroduced by Charles II.

3. Wild birds’ eggs have no monetary value.

4. Thalidomide is used to treat bone marrow cancer.

5. The Olympic torch is designed to withstand winds of up to 65 kms per hour and stay alight in rain up to 50mm an hour.

6. Its flame gets its own hotel room and is protected overnight by a flame attendant.

7. It costs $100,000 to hunt a rhino in South Africa.

8. The term "Killing Fields", used to describe the mass graves caused by the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, was coined by journalist Dith Pran, whose story was the focus of the film by the same name.

9. The world’s longest-running factory in is Derbyshire.

10. Kids are 1cm taller than 10 years ago.

Sources: 10 - Sunday Times

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Pepa Vivancos for this week's picture of 10 cherry blossoms.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Mail is the national paper most likely to blow a gasket over Ken Livingstone's revelation that he has three more children - by two more women - than originally thought. (Five children by three mothers? If only it was four by four.)

Not only because it likes to uphold the sanctity of the family, but because the Mail had planned to serialise the forthcoming book with this very headline-grabber contained within.

Apart from the obligatory "Red Ken" moniker - which may well be sweet nothings to the London mayor - the Mail is nastier about the ladies of Liverpool. The paper which likes to woo the nation's womenfolk runs pictures of the outfits on parade yesterday at Aintree - identikit Wags, maxi dress with maxi fringe, floral tent on une femme d'un certain age - under the catty headline: "Ladies' Day (minus one)".

"Minus one" is ostensibly because officially, ladies' day is today. But it unmistakably points the finger at a rather plumptious woman pictured in pink mini-dress, pink shoes, pink bag, pink mobile phone and a stare to step around. Me-ow. Even Trinny and Susannah mortar their brickbats together with a little sugar.

Meanwhile, it is perhaps the most predictable game of consequences around. One has a finger permanently twitching over a hair-trigger temper. The other excels in the art of fraying even the mildest of mannered. So it was always going to be interesting when supermodel Naomi Campbell pitched up at Heathrow's newly opened Terminal 5. Yes, that Terminal 5.

Reports vary as to what happened next -

A mislaid item of hand luggage, says the Times
Too many cabin bags, speculates the Daily Telegraph
A check-in bag too heavy to be loaded, report the Mail and Guardian

- but the end result was that Ms Campbell was removed from the first class cabin of BA269 to cool her heels at Heathrow police station.

She may never had said "Don't you know who I am?" but Paper Monitor speculates that the thought must surely have crossed her mind. And having endured long-haul in the cheap seats, Paper Monitor also speculates that this tete-a-tete must have topped any other in-flight entertainment on offer.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"As long as you don't include children, animals and vegetables" - Ken Livingstone lists off-bounds sexual practices.

Rumours that Ken Livingstone has three children who not many people knew about prompted the mayor of London to agree to a rare interview with ±«Óătv London about his personal life... from which this classic soundbite of Livingstonian absurdity sprang.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Monitor note: Due to a glut of workflow logistics issues, Wednesday's letters were not published. To make up for it, here is a bumper selection.

If only the caption competition was back I may have said "following a lengthy policy review process, Lauderdale officials implement their new approach to the war on cycling on the footpath".
Matt, Leeds, UK

Just for fun, seeing as there is no such thing as the caption competition, I am imagining the headline: North Lauderdale Authorities were noted for their harsh 'No Ball Games' penalties.
Gazardo, Stockport

If only the caption competition were back, I might say the beggar's decision to replace his "dog on string" is vindicated, as passers by genuinely check for spare change.
Richard Place, Barnstaple

If only the Caption Competition was back, then I would suggest: Monitor's excuses for its failure to publish Wednesday's letters get more and more far-fetched.
Graham Parsons, Frome

Has the letters page also been withdrawn? Will this now have to be published under a page entitled "If only the letters page were / was back?" The public demand to know...
Mel, Stuttgart

Presumably, involved calling in a plumber? Sorry, I'll get my spanner...
George, London, UK

Re , that's big of you, not everyone can admit it when they are wrong.
Simon, Milton Keynes

Do the passengers on board the really think they have the Dunkirk spirit? Was actually being at Dunkirk really like being on a cruise ship anchored off an exotic island?
Olly, London, UK

? Ah, the tabloid's journalists can rest easy again. Maybe The Mirror is to blame?
Rob, Birmingham, UK

What's this about "Nick Cleggover (copyright - the Sun)" in Wednesday's Paper Monitor? Us Indie readers got that on Tuesday from Pandora. More evidence of standards slipping at the ±«Óătv...
Frederick Heath-Renn, London, UK

Monitor note: The Sun used Cleggover on Tuesday as well, so it may never be known who coined it first. But Tuesday's Sun first edition would have printed some time before the Independent.

So over 80% of newly built homes in the UK fail to meet their residents' needs? During the , we're told that "Andreas... sung a song to dedicate the circular structure we were about to build to the life-giving sun". Maybe this is what's missing from British construction work?
Kat Murphy, Coventry

Talk about a ...
Stuart, Croydon

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Rush hour in North Lauderdale, Florida.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The riches such as they are for today's Times amount to £1.88 – the total value of a set of the new look coins featured on its front page. Over at the Daily Telegraph there's consternation that Old Ma Britannia is missing from the new designs. "Surely," says Richard Falkiner, numismatic correspondent for the Antiques Trade Gazette – a title not exactly synonymous with neophilia – "all true Brits will weep."

But anyone who took this elbowing of Britannia, who first appeared on British coins 300 years ago, to be part of a wider conspiracy against more senior figures in society, will be heartened by the column inches afforded to those near contemporaries of the mythical Roman goddess – the Rolling Stones.

The Daily Mail pictures Bacchus' living embodiment, alongside bandmates Charlie Watts, Ronnie Wood and Mick Jagger, and tells us that the group are all "millionaires many, many times over". Sigh, if only purveyors of succinct news copy could call on the infinitely flexible English language to supply a single word for someone who is a millionaire multiple times.

The excuse for this Stones appearance is the premiere of the band's new film, Shine a Light. (Point of order – can some critic somewhere publicly acknowledge that the little-commented–on Stones track which lends its name to this movie is probably the band's finest four minutes on record.)

Which segues neatly – although recognising this fact somewhat undermines its seamlessness – to the Sun's big lesson of the day: "How to shine your shoes"… in eight easy-to-follow, er, steps. Apparently we've all forgotten.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"WANTED: Person to accompany elderly gentleman to the pub" - Notice in Post Office window, Hampshire

Get paid to drink beer. ÂŁ7 an hour. Having moved into a care home in a new area, 88-year-old Jack Hammond is looking for a bloke he can chat to over half a Fosters. "It's got to be somebody who is not too bombastic," says Mr Hammond. Possible topics of conversation are World War II (Mr Hammond served as a radar engineer in South East Asia) and Preston North End Football Club, says the Daily Mail.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Society changes. Newspapers change with it.

And so in the Daily Mail and Daily Express there is coverage of a new firm that has been set up to sell wedding dresses to pregnant brides-to-be.

Both papers note that this was once something deeply frowned upon, but otherwise pass no negative comment. Ah, how things change.

But do not fear, there is still a little something for those who prefer things the way they used to be. The Liberal Democrat leader, who reportedly said he had slept with “no more than 30” women in a magazine interview, is branded “Nick Cleggover” (copyright – the Sun) and a “prat” in the Mail. A couple of pages on and Amanda Platell is haranguing him for his “idle boasting” and being “ungentlemanly”.

The Times's People column, meanwhile, has an apology for readers of its own fun at Clegg's expense, "for missing the chance to make any of those excellent puns like 'Cleggover' or 'Cleggs-akimbo' that appeared elsewhere... It shall not happen again."

And there are raised eyebrows in both the Mail and Express for Max Mosley, the president of motorsport governing body, the FIA. After garish allegations about his private life in the News of the World, both middle-market tabs run a two-page spread on the man.

The Mail makes plentiful mention of Mosley’s father Oswald, the fascist leader and friend of Hitler. But it finds no room for a factbox on the Mail’s early 1930s coverage of Oswald Mosley’s political adventures or its famous headline “Hurrah for the Blackshirts”.

Ah, these space restrictions. Paper Monitor shares the pain.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"Pointless garbage" - Famous author Sir Salman Rushdie gives his views on fame and celebrity.

As a serious Booker Prize-winning literary novelist, Sir Salman does not take kindly to suggestions his favourite pastime is gadding around red-carpet events. And he takes a dim view of the obsession with celebrity in 21st Century society.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

I think I spotted the April fool's article. The "" is just too good to be true. Can I claim my prize? Or is that too much like a competition?
Alex, Bath

In the article about Afro Caribbean evangelical and pentacostal struggling to find their own premises, Bishop Mark Nicholson appears to say that potential neigbours don't like noise but "we're having to fight to have our voice heard". He's not making a good case here
Nick C, Egham UK

Apparently the serendipity of extends even to the journalists who cover an issue. Who needs to read the report on Labour's Scottish membership levels when the game is given away by its author, Mr. Low?
Edward Green, London, UK

Can this be real? " claim manager wins job case". He found two empoyees having sex at work, one was... Mr Woodcock.
Nich Hill, Portsmouth UK

"The squid hangs from the ceiling of France's National Museum of Natural History, where its long pink tentacles stretch down towards a ." So what does a terrified shark look like? I wasn't aware that sharks had a wide range of facial expressions.
Steve Coburn, Telford, UK

Hark at all these Johnny-come-lately's saying MM has stayed the same (Monday's letters). Don't they remember the ?
Bas, London

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor goes a-April Fool huntin' (With believability star ratings out of five).

"Calling Carla: Brown enlists first lady to give Britain style"
As purveyors of the finest Fleet Street April Fool - a 1977 spoof about the fictional island nation of San Serriffe – the Guardian is acutely aware of its 1 April reputation. It delivers a slick little number about Carla Bruni being appointed by Gordon Brown to spearhead a government taskforce on putting more style and glamour into British life. With its politics and policy overtones, this is pure Guardian. Believability rating: **

"Docs to stretch small Sarkozy"
It's no surprise that the Sun sees April Fools Day as a chance to re-run a picture of Carla Bruni. In credability terms it's a non-starter but even for the most gullible, this paragraph seals its: "The method, Stature Augmentation Treatment, was developed on guinea pigs by Israeli academic Professor Ura Schmuck." BR: *

"Mobile phone 'sniffer' sees through fibs"
The Times cashes in on the Facebook phenomenon with its story about a new online application to track the movements of loved ones using their mobile phone. The Social Network Integrated Friend Finder (Sniff) is said to work on the triangulation technique of locating a mobile phone signal through three location readouts. Its credibility is enhanced by an online crumb trail – the company behind Sniff, Useful Media, has a web presence. But if it were true, the government might as well host a public shredding of the Data Protection Act. Paper Monitor sniffs a rat. BR: ***

"What have they done to Big Ben?"
Any April Fool worth its salt treads a fine line between plausible and preposterous. The Daily Express, however, shows nothing but contempt for this convention, plumping for a story that is so ridiculous that were it true it would be probably have precipitated a motion of no confidence in the government. Big Ben, we're told, has gone digital. Disregarding the axiom that merely competent Photoshop maketh not a Fool believable, there's even a picture. BR: *

"A fool and his money…"
The Daily Mail shows all the others how it should be done with a blurry but utterly convincing "picture" of Chancellor Alistair Darling doing a lottery scratchcard. The picture credit, to Rolf Liopa (an ominous anagram if ever there was one) might as well have been to Alison Jackson. Beautifully executed. BR: ****

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"Rolf Loipa" - The Daily Mail's suspicious photo credit on a shot of Alistair Darling doing a scratchcard... on April Fool's Day.

In a London newsagent, as "the credit crunch bites", the Chancellor of the Exchequer is pictured scratching out his numbers with a ÂŁ1 coin. We know it's definitely Mr Darling because the builder passing by tells the Mail he recognises the canny Scot by his "mix and match eyebrows". We also deduce that Rolf Loipa reads a lot like an anagram...

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Regarding the front page. Bigger format, easier to read, less apparent content. Tabloid journalism at the ±«Óătv?
Sharon, Portsmouth, UK

Why? Why change the news layout again? (Read here to find out.) The last one was easy to read and didn't require scrolling around. Now I find it too big and "in your face". About as welcome as a Parking Fine. Please change it back, hopefully by popular demand.
NW, London

I like the ±«Óătv website. It has fewer annoying adverts. (Please note my excellent grammar - I didn't say less).
Gareth, Tokyo, Japan

This is a plot isn't it? You've introduced your "" to take our minds off Heathrow.
S Carr, Dublin

Oooh, the is all shiny and new. Was it too much to expect the same for you, dear Monitor? No spring clean this year then.
Imogen, London

Whoa! Who's done surgery on my favourite ? I feel all weird, everything's different and "show-offy'". Ahh, except for the good old monitor. You'll never change will you? Like a big brother winner you'll always stay simple. The reliable monitor in this internet of chaos. Thank you monitor. You're a credit to the web.
Hennell, Lincoln, UK

I've just read that the coroner of the ÂŁ7m inquiry into the death of has summed up that she wasn't killed by the Royal family or MI6 after hearing all of the witnesses and examining all of the evidence .
Well he would say that wouldn't he?
Jonathan McAlroy, London

If you had published the ±«Óătv News website item "Pairs of rooks can team up to get to tasty nibbles" (March 31st) just one day later, I'd never have believed this research on feeding birds, as conducted by a Dr .
Chris, Cambridge UK

Re: " wins shotgun fight." A good example of a story less interesting than the headlines promises.
Bob, Glasgow

I read Paper Monitor. I reflected on the indightment of letters unworthy of publication. I recalled how many of my own letters have gone unpublished. Then I had a little cry in a corner. I hope you're happy now.
Susannah, Northampton

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

While the fashion in printed daily media has been to downsize from broadsheet to tabloid in recent years, visitors to the front page of the today will have noted a bucking of the trend with a new "go large" look.

Meanwhile, the newspaper which has come to personify the tabloid tag – the Sun - is showing distinctly broadsheet aspirations with a report from one of the world's most secretive countries – North Korea.

There's mention of the communist state's human rights record and your intrepid soaraway correspondent is given cause to have second thoughts about the paper's classic "How do you solve a problem like Korea" headline (Paper Monitor passim) when he is pulled aside by the authorities for questioning.

Over at the Express there's an interview with Britain's molecular gastronomer in chief – the aggressively bespectacled Heston Blumenthal. He's hardly Jamie Oliver, so how to engage the interest of the average Express reader? Simple – he's "THE REAL WILLY WONKA". (Paper Monitor apologies for being unable to convey the full effect of this headline, since it lacks the necessary swirly Wonka typeface.)

Finally, on to the Guardian, which has a very interesting rumination on the nature of letters pages. It exclusively reveals that "the Guardian's letters page, for example, is difficult to find online and poorly laid out". How frank.

The great Matthew Parris says in the article that he often reads the online response to his column, adding: "Some of it is interesting; some of it is fatuous, obsessive or insane. What's needed is an editor to filter out the nonsense and put the exchanges together with a bit of shape. I believe that's called a letters page."

Actually, Matthew, and with the greatest respect, that's called the Magazine Monitor.

But here's a line which feels eerily familiar. The piece says "Private Eye runs spoof letters from a 'Mike Giggler' - the sort of wit, familiar to all letters editors, who aims for the coveted, light-hearted spot with excruciating puns and weak jokes on the day's news."

Some things change, friends, some things stay the same.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"Yes I do think she'll be a better president" - Chelsea Clinton compares her mum with her dad.

Put on the spot in front of a televised audience, Chelsea wavered before answering - a bit like a kid asked to choose between her mum and dad when they're divorcing. Impossible. But ultimately, family sensitivities have to take second place to political pragmatism and so Chelsea had to say what she did.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?