±«Óătv

1. UK traffic lights emit about 50,000 tonnes of CO2 per year through energy use.

2. Jobs in finance make up 4% of the UK's workforce - and account for 13% of the income tax paid.

3. Coach travel is the safest form of road transport in the country.

4. More than 20 million people visit Little Chef roadside outlets each year.

5. A Beefeater is more formally known as a Yeoman Warder of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, and Members of the Sovereign's Body Guard of the Yeoman Guard Extraordinary.

6. Holders of the MBE can be stripped of the honour at the discretion of the Queen, "if evidence of wrongdoing comes to light".

7. Saddam Hussein's codename while in US custody in 2004/5 was "Victor".

8. A shortage of volunteer leaders has led to a waiting list of 50,000 girls wanting to join the Girl Guides.

9. Noel Edmonds' middle name is Ernest, although it’s not noted in his first Who's Who entry, in the newly published 2007 edition. He is listed as Noel E Edmonds.

10. The US Senate has never had a "socialist" senator - until now. Bernard Sanders, an independent, calls himself a "democratic socialist".

(Sources: 1. UK Energy Research Centre report, published 29 December; 2. What Makes Britain Rich? ±«Óătv Two, 4 January; 9. The Daily Mirror, 4 January.)

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Chris Aitken for his picture of 10 cosmopolitans.

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Re: The story . What's so novel about it? It's money like many other prizes.
Paul Greggor, London UK

Re the Magazine's story . It remains to be seen whether Dr David Viner's forecast, that 2007 will beat 1998 to be the warmest year on record, comes true. But if nothing else, he seems to have predicted the prediction, which was subsequently made by the UK's Met Office, , two days later.
Kirk Thompson, Gatehead

I go out of my way to know nothing about Big Brother, in fact, I conduct my life blissfully oblivious to its existence. So what do I get with my morning cup of tea when I sit down to spend five minutes to relieve the mundaneness of the working day? I used to love you Paper Monitor (male or female), but now you cannot even contemplate the loathing that is raging through my veins.
Steve K, Fraserburgh, Scotland

In the debate over finding a modern version of Gordon Bennett (Thursday’s letters), the obvious choice has to a John Prescott. And on retirement he could keep his title DPM = Doesn't Perform Much?
Tim McMahon, Pennar, Wales

Re: Today’s . How do they measure how close Londoners are to a rat at any given time? And can this technique be used to measure other things, ridding the need for comparisons to Routemaster buses/football pitches/Wales?
Sarah, Edinburgh

On this week's did anyone else notice the uncanny resemblance between the Spanish premiere Zapatero and our very own Mr Bean?
Owen, Stevenage, Herts

Regarding the Caption Competition, is it just me, or are in fact entries 2 and 4 the only 'Captions', the others all being puns? For those of us who struggled unsuccessfully with our failed captions, whilst strenuously avoiding the rather obvious puns, perhaps some clarity is in order?
Steve, London

I object to Bob Peters' insinuation in his letter on Thursday that Sociology/Media Studies graduates have little or no knowledge of science. I am currently studying Media at college (along with German and Psychology) and am planning to study Film and Television Production at university.
I was one of only about 30 people at my school to take exams in all three sciences separately and passed them with good grades. I decided against studying science at college because I did not want a career in it and did not enjoy it, not for any other reason.
I dislike the assumption that anyone who studies Media does so because he/she is less intelligent than those who study sciences. Contrary to popular opinion, some of us do it because we enjoy it, find it interesting, and would like a career in it.
RG, Rotherham, England

I enjoyed the quote in the Daily Telegraph's coverage of the backlog of , from a BA spokesman saying that they would review compensation on "a case by case basis". Ah yes, humour in the face of adversity...
Rachel, Perth, Australia

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It's time for the results of the caption competition.

This week, we asked you to put words in the mouth of this post-partygoer, still enjoying the heady effects of New Year's Eve while waiting for the trains home to start up at Grand Central Station in New York.

Here are the winning entries:

1. Colin Nelson and Matth
Stairway to '07.

2. Simon Rooke
Heathrow baggage problems escalate as passengers remain unclaimed.

3. Kieran Boyle and Lee Pike
Hush-hour.

4. Simon White
Alton Towers new Reality Ride is not the success they had hoped for.

5. Mark H
Please mind the nap.

6. Nigel Macarthur
Wake me up before you Godot...

Click on the comments form below to read the losing entries. Can't see yours? Is it because you submitted it via the letters form, like we expressly told you not to?

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

With Celebrity Big Brother well underway, even the papers that consider themselves a bit, well, pointy-headed set their finest minds the task of deconstructing the phenomenon.

In the Guardian, which - in common with the Daily Telegraph and the Independent - rarely troubles itself with the civilian version, stand-in Lost in Showbiz columnist Zoe Williams explains the distinction in a piece entitled "WATCH CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER - AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON".

She argues that whereas the "real" people are attractive young things with a misguided sense of their own fabulousness - the "correct viewer response is to hate them for the sin of pride" - the current intake know they're there because they're the bottom of the heap. "Give us the broken and the meek... now you see our true natures, the outpouring of our sympathy, the glow of our viewer-kindness."

A quick flick through the tabloids illustrates her point. Favs with the Daily Mirror include Jermaine Jackson, who raises his sleepy head to reveal a pillow stained with hair dye; Ken Russell, who befriends the ex-Miss GB soon after accidentally flashing her; and Leo Sayer, who swaps beds with a pop moppet so she doesn’t have to sleep in the double with the obligatory offensive – and nude - rocker. Sweet!

And the Indie pens a paean to Ken Russell and this genius bit of casting. "His 1986 movie Gothic takes place within a sinister house completely cut off from the outside world. Inside, a collection of shrieking creative misfits swap insults, throw tantrums, germinate wacky ideas, put one another through ludicrous ordeals - and, of course, obsess about sex all the time." And the result? Frankenstein, for Mary Shelley was one of the inmates. Apt indeed.

Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph's New Year New You push continues with “HOW TO BE A REAL MAN IN 2007”. The double-page spread is lavishly illustrated with role models, such as curly-mopped rower James Cracknell whipping up a curry, Maori warriors as "models of manliness", and Daniel Craig for being, well, Daniel Craig. Paper Monitor will be taking notes.

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Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked what the famous French pout means, according to a Parisian tourist guide. Zut alors! A whopping 57 per cent of you guessed correctly that it encompasses discontent, disdain, disgust and more. Today's DMQ is on the page.

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Well done to the ±«Óătv news editors in including the name of the chemical involved in today'sstory. To those of us who did any science at school or university this is very refreshing; usually stories involving chemicals assume all its readers are sociology or media studies graduates.
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

So one possible origin of the phrase is that it was the name of a wealthy socialite famous for... well, not much at all. Time we updated it, I think. "Paris Hilton", anyone?
Rob, London, UK

Bearing in mind your interest in , I could not help but notice your spelling, "distain" on the . Of course you meant disdain, which means scorn; whilst distain is a bit like discolour. Unless of course you have coined a new portmanteau word by combining distaste and disdain - in other words a scornful dislike. Given that the look is given in Paris, perhaps the portmanteau is made up of distance and disdain - a far-away look of scorn.
PJ, West Yorks, thelbiq.co.uk

A firm pat on the back and a wry smile for the few fellow readers who refused to vote "And more" in today's . There are still some of us left, you know.
David Dee, Matola Mozambique

Hmmm. What attracted the Cheeky Girl to the publicity-hungry LibDem MP? The prosecution states that it has just heard what sounds suspiciously like a Cheeky Girls song being played on a national radio station for the first time since Touch My Bum (what was that tune called?) was in the charts way back when.
Patsy, Sheffield

In Wednesday's letters, Imogen describes Paper Monitor as a tall, rich, rugby-playing animal lover... she seems to be confusing it with me.
Mark, London

All this speculation about the gender of Paper Monitor is somewhat redundant. Those of us in the techie world know it's a computer-driven Personality Matrix. It (sorry, but it has to be "it") was knocked up (sorry, again) by a couple of nerds called, oh, Bill and Steve, in the 80s, which would explain the regular technical problems (viruses and other bugs). PM has since been endlessly reprogrammed by a succession of Silicon Valley surf 'n' cellphone types, before being acquired by the Beeb, where it was put in the care of a couple of slightly Sloaney admin girls who persuaded the chaps in tech support to jam a couple of "really human" bits in, like a love of shopping, red wine and double-shot latte. I hate to tread on anyone's dreams, but it's only right that people know they're flirting with something that you could store on a smart drive. Come to think of it, that could be a neat girl/boyfriend... downloadable and with regular updates. PM, marry me.
Chris, Witney, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

To craft a cartoon for the daily papers is a fine art - it is quite a feat to achieve a balance between topicality and humour. Today's Daily Telegraph shows just how fine the line is between success and failure.

Front page regular Matt turns in a nicely-judged panel on the schoolboy sailor, Michael Perham. The cartoon depicts the wee lad in a public phonebox on a far-off shore, his yacht parked up behind. "Er... hi mum, I've sort of crossed the Atlantic, can you come and pick me up?"

But flip inside to where the heavyweight political cartoonists roam, and it is a different story. Laboured seems an apt description, in more ways than one. On a strip of land marked "FLORIDA", a bloke in sunglasses watches a solo sailor heading for a strip of land marked "ANTIGUA". The one in sunglasses is labelled "BOY"; the one on the boat "MAN". Can you tell who they are yet?

Meanwhile, Celebrity Big Brother threw open its doors to a new cast of hasbeens and wannabes. Sadly, rumours that the Hoff would be installed within its CCTV-bedecked walls have proved to be unfounded, as have equally beguiling tales that Jade Goody would be among the housemates. But then, after last year's win by a lookalike who emerged a celebrity in her own right, could the show be any more of a post-modern hellhole?

The show barely rates a mention in the Telegraph (although its readers surely knew - and loved - Cleo Rocos in her Kenny Everett days); but no surprise that the former Miss GB who enjoys a close bond with footballer Teddy Sheringham is plastered all over the tabloids.

The Times focusses its energies on Shilpa Shetty, "so beautiful and classy Davina found herself helping the Bollywood star up the stairs"; while it is Ken Russell that prompts the Guardian's Mark Lawson to note that the show "has a history of including one housemate likely to appeal to Guardian readers of a certain age - Germaine Greer, George Galloway - but this was the first inclusion recognisable only to that constituency".

Kind of the producers to give the old devil a roof over his head after that spot of unpleasantness last year with his house burning down.

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Yesterday we asked the nickname of Little Chef's smiling mascot. It's Fat Charlie, which 23% of you correctly answered. Another 31% said Rowley and 46% said Little Anton. Today's question is on the now.

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Every village likes to think it has its own identity, and now the people of South Milford in North Yorkshire can lay claim to more highway clutter than anywhere else.

The village, near Selby, has 45 road signs in the space of about half a mile (0.8km). That's a new record, says the RAC, although it's hard to detect a congratulatory note in its announcement.

"It is really quite astonishing that so many signs can be found over one half-mile stretch of road," said RAC spokesman Edmund King.

Astonishing, perhaps... but ripe for a spot of punning, eh? The rules, for all New Year new-comers, are astonishingly simple: think up a punning headline for the story. Here is a selection of the best:

Sign of the Times was the most popular (and well sign-posted?) entry, with too many authors to name. Less obvious was Multiplication signs from Jake Perks and Rob Falconer.

Gareth Jones of the Isle of Anglesey was clever with his offering, Techno Notice. Tony Doyle also got bonus points for avoiding the word everyone pounced on - he thought up Too-much Information Highway.

Colin Nelson, with Signs Friction, and Will Parkhouse, with Blinded by signs, operated along similar lines. Runner-up, for thinking well outside the box (junction) was Kip, for Perhaps they should watch Sign Felled.

But the clear winner was Eyesore the sign by Catriona Smith. Put her name up in lights. But not anywhere near South Milford.

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Maximum score in the first of the New Year. It can only go downhill from here...
Sue, London, UK

Following on from bad spelling on CVs, what about bad spelling on film posters? ?!
Paul Greggor, London, UK
MM: At least in the film the characters know that it’s wrong.

Re: Paper Monitor’s thoughts on the Daily Mail’s piece on all the people who have settled in the UK. What have Micronesia and the Marshall Islands got against Britain? I demand that several high ranking politicians spend months and several million pounds to find out.
MCK, London

Re: The debate on Paper Monitor’s gender. Rob, (Tuesday’s letters) in my mind, PM is a 6'2'' rugby playing, short haired man. He has lovely blue/green eyes and big shoulders. He went to University and spent his time drinking vast amounts in the Union bar and reading impressively complicated literature. He inherited a lot of money from a kindly aunt and has a house out in the country. He is kind to animals. Sorry, I'll get a mop and clean up that slobber.
Imogen, London

Re: Why voice-over people speak in numbers in adverts? (Tuesday’s letters) David G, this annoys me too, but I've worked out why they do it. If they can avoid saying "hundred" or "pounds", then stupid people will not notice how outrageously priced they still are despite the "discount".
Lucy Jones, Manchester

Re: Numbers in adverts: As a copywriter I can say that saying "four four nine" is simply a way of saving time in ads where every second counts - "four hundred and forty-nine pounds" is twice as many words, and when you get into the thousands it's even worse. It's ugly, but it's quicker.
Dave, Taunton

I can almost hear the thought processes going on as people attempt the today. We can't call that little fellow Rowley - it sounds like Roly as in Roly Poly. It certainly can't be Fat Charlie (we don't say fat any more, do we?). So it must be Little Anton, because that's nice and inoffensive... Oh. Brothers and sisters, the PC Brigade can't touch you if you're dealing with fact. Repeat after me, and be free... "Fat Charlie! Fat Charlie! Fat Charlie"
John Thompson, Southport, UK

Re: The ongoing observation of people who have appropriate names for their jobs. It seems some organisations have ideal locations. I saw in yesterday's story about that they were taken to the Dogs' Trust Centre... in Kenilworth!
Jackie, Ilford

I love that in your story about the that the top "See Also" link is 'I have a great relationship with the birds'...
Ian, Bristol

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It was, according to the papers, Britain's biggest sickie. While Tuesday, 2 January was officially a normal working day, it looked and felt like a bank holiday (which, in Scotland, of course, it was.)

Firms were said to be braced for a flood of calls from workers ringing in sick, when in truth most just couldn't face crawling out from under the duvet. In the event, a "record number of workers" according to the Daily Mail, "took an illicit day off in what employers believe is the greatest national 'sickie' in industrial history". It was, according to the Guardian, the "great new year skive".

The Monitor finds itself torn on such matters. While it could never condone such flagrant dishonesty, it makes no secret of wishing to be a distraction from the mundanity of the working day. So, what better way to smooth the tensions between underling and overlord than by getting matters in the open, with the Great Sickie Amnesty.

The rules are simple: if you were one of the millions to have skived off work yesterday, confess all using the form below. Why did you do it? What was your excuse? How did you spend your illicit day off?

Tell all, by clicking on the "comments" button immediately below this story. Anonymity absolutely guaranteed.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

What's going on at Daily Mail Towers? Was editor Paul Dacre among the millions of workers to have taken an extra day's holiday as the Christmas break came to a close? Or is Paper Monitor suffering the reverberations of a prolonged New Year hangover? The reason for this befuddlement... a double-page colour spread that looks like one of those early 1990s Benetton adverts, picturing 190 immigrants, each from a different country, who have settled in the UK.

Don't let the text - "This historic image reveals for the first time how the whole world has flocked to Britain" - deceive you. There's no mention of foreigners scrambling to get through passport control, asylum seekers (bogus or otherwise), or tidal waves of spongers. Instead, scores of beaming, healthy, scrubbed faces look back at the reader - each person holding a flag from their country of origin.

Paper Monitor feels like reaching for a can of sugary pop and singing "I'd like to teach the world to sing".

It's an impressive sight, with a person to represent every member state of the 192 countries in the United Nations, except two: the Pacific island nations of the Federated States of Micronesia and the Marshall Islands.

Which leads Paper Monitor to ponder whether any of its readers are from those two states. If so, or if readers know of any who are, drop us a line using the post form on the top right of this page.

Elsewhere, the papers, from the Mail to the Guardian, run pictures of the near-deserted pavements, train stations and public squares that on any normal working day would be thronging with people - a reflection of all those who stayed in bed in what's been termed the "Big Sickie"

Has no one considered that they were all shut away in a studio, posing for a Daily Mail photographer?

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That CE sign that pops up just about everywhere these days, and is soon to replace the crown on pint glasses acording to yesterday's Daily Mail... what does it stand for? Congratulations Monitorites, the majority of whom have shown themselves to be fully paid up Euro-aware folk - the correct answer - achieved by 61% - is "European conformity". Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine page.

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Re: the . Surely the most annoying ads are those which constantly express three figure prices as individual digits? "This has been reduced to four, four, nine" and the like - no one really talks like this in real life, surely?
David G, Oldbury, UK

As a Brit living in the USA I was interested to see how the Faces of the Year in the UK, and , compared to a similar assessment here the USA.

How disappointing! With one or two notable exceptions, it was just further proof of the shallowness of humanity, regardless of gender or place on the planet. Was that all that the human race had to offer in 2006? Shame on all of us.
Felicity Stryjak, Gold Bar, WA, USA

I notice with interest that one of the national kitchen retailing and fitting outlets is advertising 'free range cookers' on television. So much better than those factory built ones...
Ralph, Cumbria

Regarding the story that asks What better way to see in the New Year than with an ? Is that a serious question?
Stella Alvarez, Teesside, UK

Utterly regardless of the ongoing debate over Paper Monitor's true gender; I have steadfastly clung to my vision of PM being a slightly portly, 50ish, balding male. But that revelation of white jeans in Monday’s PM has put a picture in my head I'd rather not have. I urge you to correct this ghastly faux pas by any means!
Rob, London, UK

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To all friends of the Magazine. As you might have seen over the past couple of weeks, the annual Best of the Magazine download has been available - bigger and better than ever. Thanks to everyone who has downloaded it and read it already, and thanks to those who have given us feedback on it. This is now a last call for any feedback.
, and you can leave any final bits of feedback in the comments here. In particular we'd like to know what you liked or disliked about it, what you thought of the length, whether you printed it out and if so where (eg home or office), and whether you would be interested in a weekly or monthly "Best of the Magazine".

Thank you for your kind attention. You may now proceed.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty - are they or aren't they? As if your average worker bee didn't have enough to be thinking about as they stumbled into the office after the Break, the question they must wrestle with is whether the tabloids' First Couple are now hitched.

Having made the running yesterday, by asking whether "Cocaine Kate" and "Junkie Pete" were about to get hitched, the Daily Mail has fallen curiously silent on the story today.

It plumps instead for the less rock and roll, rather more wrinkly and middle-aged, romances of golfer Greg "the Shark" Norman and housewives' favourite, actor Robert Lindsay.

So the Sun steps in to fill the vacuum, with an exclusive claiming the couple were married yesterday in a bizarre Buddhist ceremony while on holiday in Thailand.

It tells how flowers were draped over their shoulders and - in what must be a first for a man not known for treating his body as a temple - water was sprinkled over their heads as they said "High Do".

Pictures-wise, those formal family line-ups are abandoned in favour of some mobile-phone style snatch shots of Doherty doing a solo first dance.

For those of us concerned about the technical and legal implications - never mind the stratospheric tabloid gossip rating - yes, he did check with his probation officer that all was good to go before travelling out of the country.

And no, rest easy, the "marriage" won't be legally binding in the UK, should they have any second thoughts about the wisdom of such a union.

The rumour is, though, that they will tie the knot for real back home on 18 January. Expect the tabloids to go mad for What Katy Did Next.

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Monday's Daily Mini Quiz asked what "Abair go mall Ă©, ma's Ă© do thoil Ă©" means in the Irish language Gaeilge, as it found official status in the EU. Only 28% of you guessed correctly that it translated as "say it slowly please". While 67% went for a more festive, but wrong, "Happy New Year to one and all". Today's DMQ is on the .

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I have just read and was quite frankly totally disappointed. I did not see any inspiration or seriously impressive achievements. What I saw was negativity and actresses, apart from the Anglican who wasn't really an Anglican. I will be interested to see who the you feature are. I am sure more powerful and influential than this bunch. So much for girl power.
Deborah, Spain

Re : My vote for an "own goal" advert goes to the Virgin Trains ad. Let's see now: we have a group of horses chasing, and rather quickly catching, a Virgin train. Horses can gallop at speeds ranging from 30mph (generic) through about 40mph (thoroughbred) up to about 50mph (quarter-horse, short bursts only). Therefore the train is going at less than 30mph on a straight-ish track in the middle of nowhere. Now we know why they run late.
Will, Reading

Paper Monitor's gender mystery solved! No male would have a wardrobe full of WHITE jeans.
Robert Phillips, Cardiff, UK
MM note: Two words. Robert. Plant. (Probably)

Hands up all those needing the hair of the dog that bit you prior to this morning's mini-triathlon...
Candace, New Jersey, US

Nice to see Friday's Paper Monitor join in with the mid-winter silly season by slipping in an entry for Natchwatch. Mind you, it's been a long time since we've done this watch on the Monitor that I had to look the word up in the dictionary to remind myself what it meant. Happy New Year!
Lester Mak, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's a new year, and on this day it is traditional for thoughts to turn to a new you. For those rather too replete with festive, er, spirit, the papers are full of advice.

The Daily Telegraph, for one, offers pages and pages of advice for those bleak January mornings when resolutions to eat healthily, think deeper and exfoliate fall by the wayside. So what tips might Paper Monitor glean?

Its life coach urges a detox of the mind to gain "self-knowledge and self-understanding" as a public service to others - and yourself. "Start with the good stuff first. Sit back and ask yourself what were the highlights of the past year. When were you happiest?" Well, that's easy, dear readers - any time an observation cracked a smile on your lips. You see, Paper Monitor's happiness is dependent on yours. What do you mean, that's not very healthy?

Right, moving on to diet. There's a box of Quality Street sitting by the editor's desk and it's hard to resist their sickly sweet allure. Queen of the body detoxers, Carol Vorderman, suggests a sesame snap as a treat instead. Yeah, right.

Fitness. Feel that burn! "Invent your own mini triathlon; for example 2,000m row, 20km bike ride, 3km run." Mini?!?!?!?

The paper's fashion experts suggests that "if you have become predictable like Liz Hurley, be brave and reinvent yourself as Emma Thompson has done so successfully." But Paper Monitor's entire wardrobe is made up of white jeans! (Although that is where any resemblance to La Hurley ends.)

Hmmm, this New You malarkey isn't going very well. But never fear, in tomorrow's paper Team Telegraph will explain how to "balance your working life with the life you want." But Paper Monitor works to live, and lives to work.

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Happy New Year to one and all! On Friday we asked what was the original name given to the late US President Gerald Ford. He was born Leslie King - which 38% of you got right - but changed his name when his mother remarried. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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