IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SIZE OF ONE'S KAHUNAS.
Have you ever been grabbed by the...
..nuts and then had them squeezed, squeezed extremely hard by someone trying to get one over on you ?
Well when this happens I have a theory about whose fault it is - it's the fault of the owner of the nuts.
Although it is indeed wrong to grab someone by the nuts and squeeze them into submission, it's up to us not to give them the chance to do so in the first place.
I have had mine squeezed on several occassions and when I look back I realise i just left them dangling there defencelessly, in the wind.
Mine are being squeezed again at the moment, not too hard, actually that's a lie, pretty damn hard and i have to say if I'm completely honest, once again it is my fault. this is what I have learnt.
Never leave your nuts out if you don't want someone to come up and grab you by them.
The karma can swing back your way, as can your nuts, if the person doing the squeezing doesn't let go after a while, they then become the ones in the wrong. I have squeezed but I always let go.
CLP.
2007.
X.
P.S. Never say never except for.
Never watch the X factor.
Never watch the JUNGLE JIMMIES.
Never go on face book. Apparently I am on there but I assure you it's a big fat fake.
Comments
CLP
I'm a laydeeeeeee, and therefore am very much "nutless". Is the female equivalent being manhandled by the Norks, I wonder?
Can I go home yet?
CtD xxxxxx
Chris,
I agree - you must keep your nuts well protected at all times. But sometimes we are unaware that they are exposed and waiting to be squeezed. It's a bit of a nasty business squeezing someone's nuts for our own gain, but we're only human and it happens sometimes - but as you say, you always let go.
May I suggest you cross this latest "squeezer" off your Christmas list!
C xx
That was really sad reading. I am sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. When i am in my local/your pub, i will buy you a drink.
Sam
Christophe.
Nuts.
I've never squeezed a chap by the nuts in me life, well, not without askin'. It's only manners.
You don't know where they've bin after all, girls and what with the false nails you'd not want to be poppin' anythin' important.
The Genius daughter on the other hand. Now there's a girl who's done Restraint Trainin' an' can crush walnuts where you wouldn't think they'd be sproutin'. Top bird hurrah.
Ok I'm off. After that I'm gaggin' for a Toffee Nut with extra Crazy Foam an' shrapnel.
Hear from you shortly, CLP and remember what my granny always said. Don't dangle yer worm in the water if you don't want to lose it.
And that reminds me of the GBF Damian and the puffer fish again but it'll 'ave to wait. I can feel me blood sugar droppin' at the thought of the Toffee Nut.
Clodagh.xx
id be very gentle with ya nuts babe xxxx
It's always best to keep your legs squeezed together at all times. And if you can't do that, maybe a cricket box is in order...
Actually, my stepson accidentally kicked me in my actual nuts the other week - I don't think my eyes have watered that much since I was a kid myself!
DPJ
CLP, sorry to hear that. Hope that they let go soon !!
Love
Debbie xx
Another never ...... never ever watch Strictly come dancing ...
ha ha ha
I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
I think I know what you are talking about, but I don't know enough about nuts, tobe completely sure.
I'm thinking of trading in the crappy mazda -
What think you?
DWNB
It's like playing chess. You get all excited about your cunning plan with a rook down the left flank and take your eye of the bishop. Next thing you know, you're being squeezed!
Cheer up CLP!
Where is the CLP that we know and love?
me thinks that if you treat others as you wish to be treted then this is a good philosopy, the only problem is that not many adhere to this and then there lies a problem. As long as you have a clear conscious and can sleep at night, you are on top!!!! (oo-er!)
Have a good show
Leb x
Prof.Plum.
Of course Janet Street Porter isn't a Numbnut. Neither is Lynne Franks or especially Johnny Rotten. But we all have our Numbnut moments, to which we are all entitled; I've had very many such moments; and I'd say agreeing to go on that show is one of 'em.
It's the concept I don't like these days. I like a larf but don't find humiliation entertaining.
That's all.
Clodagh.xx
Christophe
Ooer missus. I do hope you get your nuts released soon - to everyone's relief.
Agree on the x-factor, does Jungle Jimmies mean IACGMOOH? but face book is fab fab fab! I've got Jose Mourinho in my friends. A pal says it isn't really him but a fat bloke in Wolverhampton pretending to be him but I like to think Jose would want a good friend in the North of England. He is the only one though that I haven't actually met - hmmm?
Mange tout and chill baby! xx
Seems to me always somebody wanting to get one over in life.
The goodies always win in the end though.
As for Face Book isn't that for kids.
Evening all
Going by your thoughts today Chris - your evening show will be very enlightening.
I agree you should never ever squeeze tightly and always ask first as who knows what, where and however they've been up to.
You are definitely welcome to log onto facebook with an alternative name and say hi on the group blog - I'm sure you would be very welcome indeed.
X-Factor - very interesting to listen to for entertainment - however I mute the judges comments.
Jungle warfare - nope not a chance.
Must be off - will get caught and strung up if discovered.
Phoenix
Never say "Never" except...
Never cook, eat, or be near sauerkraut.
Never call me "sweatheart" or "honey" (for colleagues only).
Never eat chocolate cake when what I really need is a carrot.
For that matter, never eat chocolate cake.
And apparently...
Never grab Chris by the nuts!
I agree....never X factor
never Jungle Jimmies
never squeeze Chris or ANY ones valuables, be nice tio each other ...Karma ..what you give out is what you get back..!
x
You know, Chris, this is my first visit to the site and the blog and all, and I am struck by 2 things:
1) Johnny is quite hot and I hope he has a good woman to tend to him or it'd be a travesty.
2) You really are a funny guy. A very funny guy. And you are a natural writer. Have you written a book? If not why not? If you have trouble concentrating for prolonged periods you can just write in short bursts. Or maybe just write a blog-like journal-stylee book with your daily quips and musings (that sounds pants now I read it back, but you know what I mean). I bet you've been told by friends/colleagues before to pen something, right? Give it a go! You're born to do it.
**HELP HELP HELP
Great now I have your attention I need your help. Having the imagination of a gnat I am struggling to think of pseudonym to use as a new TOG. I decided that I had become a TOG when I purchased my new toothbrush and it me the best part of the morning to open the bl**dy thing! So after days of diliberation & in an effort to embrace this next stage of my life I have come up with Mel O'Drama which is frankly rubbish!
So I challange you guys to come up with something much much cleverer - I shall award each entry points for amusement, style and pronouncability! There will be a 1st 2nd and 3rd prize (details TBA at a later date) and a consolation prize awarded at the bloggers discrection.....
I await your entries and declare the competition open - best of luck one and all
Mel O'Drama (until further notice)
P.S. PUT THE NUTS DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE BLOGMEISTER !!!!
Also CLP the facebook group is us bloggers putting a face to the names - we never pretended otherwise x x x x
Whahey!
We're back in the saddle!
Plugged in, superfast and raring to go!
Stupid isn't it? You have your favourite toy taken away for a few days and it is like the world has come to a halt. I heard about some Italian 'experiment' today that had men 'surviving' without their mobile phones for 28 days. Some huge percentage felt 'lost' and 'alienated', while some claimed it affected their, ahem, 'bedroom performance'.
So what exactly.......
.....no. Let's not go there.
Anyway. Back in the real world.
Our dear friends, the auditors are in town. Annual fun and games are guaranteed, God, life as an accountant is wonderful.
Not sure where you are going with the nuts thing, but I can't shift the image of the classic Vinnie Jones/Gazza photo from many a year ago.
Either way, I'm with you on the X-Factor and Facebook thing. Never seen 'em, not interested.
However.
I do have to confess to having sat through the drivel that is IACGMOOH last night.
Oh dear.
Still, I've got t'interweb back now.
Peace & love
MfR
PS A church house gin house
PPS Barso, Chrissy Boy, Kix, Chas, Bedders, Woody & Suggs
PPPS Schulz
The Jungle? Unmissable!
So Wrong CLP. Like saying don't watch "Game For A Laugh" or "Surprise Surprise" in our day.
The Jungle rules already - one episode in! Of course if you mean, don't watch The Jungle because I don't watch The Jungle, that's different...
Once again dear Chris you are wearing your "balls "on your sleve --- too trusting --too spontainious-- There are worse things in life than some B--ard trying to work you --- Let him squeeze and call his / her bluff -- sharing your pain Steve W
Chris, just had a bath and was thinking about your bits being squeezed, felt compelled to come back......
It seems that we want to be in control of our destiny but sometimes those around us have different ideas. The answer is to be true to yourself. You seem to have really good people around you. As long as they mop your brow while the squeezing continues, you will be 'right as rain' Before you know it you'll be the one doing the squeezing, that's the way it goes.
Bt the way, Clodagh, let's hope they do let go soon or else we'll be talking about a different kind of 'Numb Nuts' altogether !!
Love to all, off to watch that bad, bad programme now!!
Debbie xx
PS. Wilsmar, I have a lovely friend that is a 'Mooney'. She is a little sweetheart, hence we call her 'Mini Mooney' x
Ok , so I left mine outside and some goliath has come along and has put them in a vice to hold them still and is just selecting a sledgehammer to hit the handle with to give them a squeeze.
What should i do - change my name to David and reach for my catapult? How do i get out of this mess?
mark harrison.
Nope.
Change your name to Jimmy Somerville.
And if there's any squirrels knockin' about, you'd best hope our Barry's lurkin' in the bushes with 'is gun.
Right. Off again. On the boat this time so if that wind gets up I'll be rockin' an' rollin' and dodgin' sick bags.
White puddin'.
Clodagh.xx
Ello Ter ALL,
Bingo Star ere.
Sounds nutty ter me CLP & possibly somewhat painful.
PS Anything ter do with the voice of the cashier cashew joke you did the other week on air.... anyone who missed it. CLP read out the woman who anounces the next free postion 'as been issuing nuts ter the cashiers. Yer know the voice yer 'ear at the post office that goes cashier number 2 please - sounds like cashew number 2 - LOL!!!!
I'm not inter the Jungle thingy - don't ave the time plus the X-factor 'as gone ape - me two favs ave gone already.
As for MySpace & Facebook - never been there mesen but each ter their own I say!
I like that advice CLP often says on air though - 'Stay away from the bad people' - nice ter 'ear someone of CLP's standing say that 'cos sometimes I think is it just me who thinks there's alot of bad people out there!
I seem ter bump into them alot meself!
Prof Plum - Beautiful tune/ lyrics.... it reduced me ter tears, reduced me terrrr tears!
PS Is yer computer stuck on caps lock?
Cathmel & Big Bumps Baby & ALL scorpios - I put me scorpio astro on this morning - don't know why?
Peace ter all!!!!!!
Chow!
You're also on myspace too, some people have too much time to pretend!
Ouchy CLP - hope the pressure is off a bit now!
I'm sorry - well actually I'm not sorry - IACGMOOH is funny!! I was having a really low day yesterday and it made me laugh!!!
Here's hoping today is less painful for us all. And it's Hump Day - hurrah!!
xxxxxxx
I thought some fellas liked a bit of ball-squeezing; all macho and male-bonding although, like Cheryl the Diva says, no woman would ever grab a big handful of jubbly, would they?
SoosiQ - welcome to the Blog.
cathmel - what about Mel-o-pause? (I realise I could have offended you wildly there but I'm not too familiar with what a TOG is).
You should try everything once, except incest and folk-dancing (and Strictly Come Dancing)
Rosie x
So here I am packin' me bags and listenin' to Sir Tel's Auction For Things Money Can't Buy, and how amazing that was.
Well done to Sir Terry, it's a testimony to the great affection and esteem with which he's held that this has happened. And many congrats to Wigan's own Martin Ainscough, top bloke.
Now then. Bugger. I've realised I'll be in Dublin when this 'ere auction is takin' place for the tickets to the Bun-Fight so I'll not be able to bid.
Ah well never mind it's just as well. I'd only be a nuisance after 2 shandys and a Skyscraper and 'ave everybody doin' the Spoon And Fork Team Game and Flap The Kipper with me knickers on me head.
Silver linings and all that.
Still. Bugger.
A Bientot. Keep yer 'and on yer nuts.
Clodagh.xx
I worked in a sports shop many many years ago, just as a Saturday girl. Well this chap comes in one day and asks for a cricket box. Well I hadn't got a clue what he was on about...in my head I pictured something the umpire would stand on, so I asked him "What size?" "LARGE" he replied! At this point the owner of the shop, giggling away dealt with the customer, still enjoying my red face.
When I got home I asked my Dad what a cricket box was...."A Private Part Protector" He replied, giggling away.
I think they should be called PPP's...Private Part protectors!
Sounds as though you should be wearing one right now Chris......should I get you one...if so...WHAT SIZE???? LOL!
Yo! - Haven't been around for a while, been off doing other things, like adding to the worlds population...Baby was born safely at the beginning of October. YAY me!
CtD - I hate my Norks being manhandled, although they are being used now for a reason so I guess they've found their place in life!
re: NUTS - I have nevver squeezed anyones nuts, I'm far too nice for that - sometimes I have put a bit of gentle pressure on them but never a full on squeeze, that would just be mean!
re: facebook - I don't know what I would have been doing this past few weeks (other than mothering of course) if it wasn't for facebook and the network of new mummy firends I have on there. Many a neurotic moment has been postponed!
SoosiQ - Welcome to the blog, say goodbye to your spare time!
Cathmel - How about becoming mel uncolly?? - the baby has sucked my brain cells, will have a think and get back to you!
Everyone else *waves*
:o Jo