When everyone’s attention tends to be on mum and baby, it’s common to feel like you’re hovering on the sidelines.
But once you've acknowledged how you feel, you’ve taken a confident step says midwife Dilan Chauhan. "See it as something positive: it shows you want to be involved."
"It should also reassure you to know that you’re not alone. When you’re about to be a dad for the first time, it's challenging. But the more emphasis you place on being prepared, knowledgeable, caring and attentive, the sooner you won’t feel so helpless.”
The feelings and emotions of being a new dad
The sense of feeling helpless can affect you in lots of ways, at different stages of fatherhood.
Dad Lifer Shaun was unsure how to be helpful during pregnancy. “When my first son was due to be born, it was all about the mum. It felt that it was my role to look after her, not the baby, but I didn’t know how. I felt particularly useless when she was in pain and I felt there was nothing practical I could do to help.”
Fellow Dad Lifer James says he often felt alone in the early days of fatherhood and uncertain how to support his partner’s emotional needs. “I really didn’t know the full extent of fatherhood. Obviously, the main person midwives focus on is mum, but I wish I was provided with support to help. My partner was diagnosed with postnatal depression and that was the hardest part to deal with.”
New dad? Admit how you feel
Be honest with your partner. “Once you’ve talked openly, you can listen and understand ways to help with the pregnancy, birth, and her care,” says Dilan.
“Talking with friends who are already dads might be particularly useful, as you know each other well already, so their advice might be easier to take on,” adds Dilan. It could be that you’re no longer with mum and will be co-parenting, so support like this from friends-in-the-know will be priceless.
And don’t feel embarrassed about asking healthcare professionals anything.
It sounds like a cliché, but we midwives have heard it all – and more.
"By asking questions, you’ll start to feel more aware of what's going on. By not asking you might know less about pregnancy and parenthood, and this might mean you’re more reserved because you don't want to make a mistake,” says Dilan.
How can dads feel more involved during pregnancy?
Taking small early steps to support your partner in their pregnancy can help later on, says James. “I think the best thing to do is to keep busy and offer any support you can – this helped me to feel involved with all aspects of my son’s and partner’s care.”
“Information on pregnancy does tend to be targeted towards your partner, so instead focus on how you can help them and learn as much as you can about life when baby’s here. Once they are and while mum recovers, your help is priceless,” adds Dilan.
If you are no longer with mum, it’s also a good idea to agree early on how you will be involved.
During pregnancy
“Some hospitals allow you to visit the maternity unit; take this opportunity to help with planning, and to ask questions. It’s a great chance to understand your partner's care,” says Dilan. “Another option is to attend antenatal classes, where dads are welcomed and learn about pregnancy, birth and parenthood.”
In your down-time, simple tasks like tidying up, batch cooking and sorting your partner’s hospital bag can help you feel more in control.
During labour
“Be as present as you can. Focus on being with your partner and helping them,” recommends Dilan. “Whether you’re sorting their playlist, dimming lights or making sure their favourite drinks and foods are to hand; there are lots of things you can do to help them get through labour. Think about how you would help someone who is in pain and discomfort; back rubs, extra pillows, cold compresses make a real difference.”
How can dads not feel left out with a newborn?
±«Óătv help
“Make sure mum gets rest and be her biggest fan,” says Dilan. “If I had to come up with a brief list of helpful things, these would be: learning about breastfeeding, in terms of positions for mum, baby's attachment, feeding patterns and solutions for common feeding issues; changing nappies, and baby's clothes; and holding, comforting, and winding baby. If you’re going with formula, then definitely learn how to sterilise bottles and make up a feed.”
And don’t underestimate how supportive your practical help is, like dealing with well-meaning visitors or doing tasks around the house, adds James. “This meant I might do the washing or just make sure everything was prepped for my son’s next nappy change.”
Bond with your baby
Becoming a father can be confusing and overwhelming, but when it comes to bonding with your baby, it’s the simple things that count, like skin-to-skin contact and talking lots so they get used to your voice. If you're returning to work, you can use video calls to maintain your bond.
Meet up with other dads
"It’s common to feel isolated at times; welcoming a new person is a big deal," says men’s health officer, Owen Hargreaves from Blackpool Better Start. "But making use of groups and meeting up with other dads is a great way to ease any worries. In general, people benefit from connecting with others who are going through similar life experiences."
Connecting with other dads can help calm anxieties, reduce feelings of isolation and share wonderful, and sometimes not so wonderful, new baby experiences.
"Another great tip is to set up some group chats; they are great for sharing stories, experiences, getting support and even sharing the odd dad joke as well.”
Be your partner’s rock but don’t forget about your own wellbeing
“Look out for changes in your partner’s mood, be prepared to be their rock, as it is not all sunshine and rainbows with a baby,” says James. “I also struggled with my mental health and had to get help from my GP. If you’re struggling, open up to someone you trust: my mother-in-law was fantastic and was there whenever I needed to talk or a shoulder to cry on.”
Looking forward as a new dad
Taking small steps with parenthood – and stopping to think about how far you’ve come – can do wonders for your positivity.“Stick together, enjoy it and cherish every moment good or bad,” adds James. “This is your little family and it truly is the most amazing adventure you can ever take.”
For details of mental health organisations that can help you or someone close to you visit the ±«Óătv Action Line page.
