'Acknowledge that it's hard': How to look after yourself as a carer
Many of us face the prospect of caring for someone else at some point in our lives, whether it's a parent, child or partner. It's estimated that there are 7 million people in the UK caring for loved ones and Penny Wincer has been a carer twice - first to her mother, and now as a single parent to her autistic son.
In her new book Tender: The Imperfect Art of Caring she combines her own story with the experiences of others and offers guidance and support. Here she tells Woman's Hour why looking after yourself is such a fundamental part of caring for another...
Acknowledge your own needs
“One of the greatest things I learnt from looking after my mum was that when you’re supporting someone else, you really have to take care of yourself as well,” says Penny. “So many of us are in this for the long term. If we keep our needs front and centre we can be the best we can to care for the people we’re supporting.
"Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first; it means 'me too'. Advice can seem ludicrous to some carers – how can you get enough sleep if you’re up half the night? How can you do an exercise class when you’re ‘on duty’ 24/7?
“As difficult as it is, we must find small, manageable ways to look after ourselves. Self-care isn’t about spending lots of money or even lots of time. It can be about infusing your day with tiny acts of kindness towards yourself, such as wearing your favourite colours, savouring a really good cup of coffee or getting 5 minutes alone.”
Talk about your experiences
“When I was caring for my mother, one of the most challenging things for me was that I didn’t have the words to describe what was happening in our house. So I didn’t really know who I could talk about it with and also who I could go to for help.
“You cannot do this alone. Supporting someone we love can be really challenging, even if we are very glad to be doing it. We need support. Humans are not supposed to live in isolation. So reaching out to other carers online and in person can help us feel less alone.”
Understand these difficult feelings are normal
“A lot of suffering that happens with carers is this idea that 'it shouldn’t be this way' - that our child shouldn’t be disabled, or our partner shouldn’t have become disabled.
“It’s common for carers to feel a sense of loss around these major life changes. Whether that’s giving up paid work, giving up a future we had planned or not having the freedom we once had, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings. Acknowledging [them] can be a big step towards letting the feelings go.”
Try to unpick where these feelings come from
“When someone we love becomes or is born disabled, it’s important that we unpick our feelings around disability. We live in a society that tells us, both explicitly and through omission, that being disabled is the worst thing that can happen to you. But much of the difficulty around being disabled is caused by a society that is inaccessible and treats disabled people as less than human.
“When we understand that and we instead look to disabled people to understand what their experiences are actually like, we can be less afraid for our loved one’s futures. We need to look at it as a quite natural, normal part of life. It’s a very common experience, and caring for somebody who is disabled is also quite a common experience.”
Don’t be too hard on yourself
“You need to acknowledge that it is hard and you are doing a good job in often very challenging circumstances – so let yourself off the hook. Sometimes caring is just really difficult and there is nothing we can do except be there for the person we love.
“I think at first, as a carer to a disabled child, I would really criticise myself a lot for not getting it right, for making mistakes that would mean my son ended up in a big meltdown. But really, criticising yourself into being a good carer doesn’t work.
“In those moments we can offer ourselves comfort and compassion, when there is no one else there to do it. Self-compassion reminds us of our common humanity, that what we are doing is something that many people would find challenging. If you can have compassion for yourself, then you can have more compassion for who you’re caring for as well. It is possible to treat ourselves the way we would treat a good friend who was in a similar position - with kindness.”
If you or someone you know needs support with caring, you can access advice and support here.
Listen back to Penny Wincer on Woman's Hour on ±«Óãtv Sounds. You can also follow Woman’s Hour on and .
