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What's it like to reach the age your mum was when she passed away? For our series Outliving Mum, Woman’s Hour spoke to several women who've felt a clock ticking since the death of their mother.

While all their stories are different, none of them had ever spoken about it before as they didn’t want to worry their loved ones. They told our reporter Jo Morris about their fears, finding the joy in life and the freedom that comes from realising you are not your mum. Here are two of their stories...

“Forty is supposed to be where life begins. So that age really stuck and it’s been really significant. It just felt like a bit of a deadline really.

“When I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive when my mum died… that’s a really vivid memory. That decision in my head was like, ‘Right, that’s my timeline then. That’s what I’m working towards.’ I never expected to make it to 40. It sounds bonkers. Deep down you can’t really shake that kind of ticking that time isn’t on your side. Time’s running out.

“I’ve been feeling very reflective, about being a mum and bringing up a family. There’s just a bit of paranoia that things could just end very suddenly. There’s something very special about life just being ordinary and the security of just having your family around. I suppose that’s what I fear most for my children is that their world will be rocked in some way.

“I was so quiet about telling people I was going to be 40. I think there was still a bit of fear that this could all go terribly wrong at the last minute. But I reached 40. I didn’t die. And that’s when I really started to see myself as me and think; ‘Wait a minute - I’m not my mum.’ Dare I look to being 41, 42, 43… I’m quite excited by the fact that there is no roadmap. I think it’s a very freeing feeling.

“I’ve never talked about it and therefore I assumed it wasn’t an issue for anyone else. I thought it was just me being a bit neurotic really. It really does feel like being back in the world again. It feels like there’s nothing bad that can come out of talking about it any more.”

“It’s there in your mind that you’re approaching the age that your mother died or your grandmother died. It’s kind of an insane thought so you keep it in your head because it’s wrong. I keep telling myself not to think about it. ‘Don’t be so silly. Don’t think like that.’

“You have to be positive. You want to make sure you’re doing everything you can to live as long as you can because you want to see your grandchildren. But then it’s those two things on your shoulders - one saying, ‘be sensible and be positive’, and the other saying, ‘you’re kind of showing certain signs.’ You do get pneumonia a lot and you get a lot of lung infections and isn’t that what happened to your mum when she was your age?

“Pre-Covid it would just be ever present in the back of my mind, whereas at the moment it’s very much in the forefront. I think I had Covid, which was really quite an experience. It was experiencing what I had seen my mum die from and my grandmother die from. Not being able to breathe, it was mind blowing.

“I had a mum, and then she died, and then I had another mum, and then she died. So it happened twice. Or you could say I had two chances. I was lucky enough to have another mum after the first one died.

“I thought it was an irrational fear that had to be silenced and ignored and just tidied away somewhere safe. But you can have fears and worries and concerns, and speaking it doesn’t make it true. My 54th birthday is going to be a hell of a party. Not a normal party, a hell of a party. It’s going to be sound systems and sequins.”

Listen to Titania's story, Rachel's story, Beth's story and Claire's story on ±«Óãtv Sounds.

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