The Art Of The Press Release...
We live in sceptical times. It's a very nowadays sort of thing to try and deconstruct how stuff made under the umbrella banner of The Media - films, magazines, TV shows, songs, newspapers, websites and stuff - is put together, isn't it? Everyone is kind of desperate to demystify the the creative process to such an enormous degree that you even get magicians who do their tricks then explain how they did them (and then presumably explain why they are explaining how they did the trick, and then do a power-point presentation on 'The Importance Of Mystery In Magic', and so on).
Naturally, there are pros and cons to this kind of enforced honesty. For example, you probably don't need to know that I was eating an apple while writing some of this, and that the core is still on my desk, as I can't be bothered to go to the bin, not while The Muse has descended and the words are coming out of my fingers in a steady flow.
But there IS an aspect of the music biz which has, so far, failed to be exposed in this fashion - the humble press release.
Now, press releases can come in the post and they can come via email, and there's really no difference in how they arrive, they always say broadly the same things. It's the way in which they say these things which makes them so beguiling.
For example, every single press release claims that their artist is unique, rare and special. They also all claim that their artist creates music which is totally different from everything else which is going on at the moment. This is what the press release is for, and therefore can be freely ignored (besides, you can't really argue with it, everyone is unique rare and special to some degree or other, ask your mum).
Once past this opening gambit, a whole world of fun opens up, where pretentious language bashes up against wild hyperbole and hilarious weirdness. And it's always delivered in a kind of hopeless mutter, because press releases, while massively creative, aren't often widely appreciated for the works of genius that they (sometimes) can be.
And the shadowy folks who write them will resort to ANY MEANS to get you to keep reading. Take these examples, all taken from one press release for the band Zico Chain.
Example 1: The Shouty Opener
"British rock band in NO HYPE shocker!!"
Where? Surely someone wouldn't send a press release about a band with NO HYPE, right?
Example 2: Someone's Tipped A Thesaurus Over
"'Where Would You Rather Be' sounds like survival itself, kicking off about hopelessness and mental escapism with a daylight shredding voice over a sick rhythm section rumble. This is anti-corporate, musical sustenance of those tired of identikit bands." - *Blinks* Huh? There's a time and a place for talking like a rebellious hipster in a bad play, y'know...
Example 3: Ooh! DRAMA!
"Zico Chain are about to set fire to everything you thought British rock could be." - Well that's just MEAN. Tell them to stop it.
See what I mean? Genius! And none of these comments are intended to reflect badly on the band themselves, it's just the wild claims people make on their behalf.
Here's just a small selection of the most recent ones.
(Oh, and if you're wondering why most of these examples are for bands or artists you've never heard of, well that's often where the best and wildest claims come from, as you will see...
======================
Kevin Michael
"The song shows both the range of Kevin's songwriting abilities and the depth of pride at who he is." - Ah, so he's a jack of all trades AND a mirror-kissing show-off? Well he sounds LOVELY...
Mark Ronson
"Confirming his status as music's most heavyweight visionary." - WHAT does this mean? Are you saying he's like a Buddha, or what? He's a big fat baldy-bloke who loves a bit of trumpet with his soul-remixing, is that what you're saying?
Oceansize
"This is not an album of the instant but ultimately forgettable 'single'" - Translation: Nothing memorable going on here whatsoever.
The Sheilas
"Stand by for the true sound of summer 2007" - The song came out on September 24th.
Dashboard Confessional
"While he continues to evolve as a songwriter throughout, the album is a significant return to the Dashboard of old, as well as a tip of the hat to fans that have spent the last nine years by his side." - So, it's for people who like the old stuff best, and people who prefer the new stuff, and people are just happy the band have a record out at all. Well, how very decisive.
Shayan Italia
"Having tragically lost both his parents at a young age and unexpectedly acquiring his songwriting abilily thereafter..." - It's not a funny story, but try keeping a straight face while reading that aloud.
RyanDan
"Ryan and Dan are good looking, have astonishing voices with a four-octave range that moves from baritone to soprano and full voice to falsetto with ease, can write heart-wrenching lyrics and captivating music, and are blessed with magnetic personalities."
Gah! A claim too far, unless they can lift cutlery without actually touching it.
Shayan Italia
"Shayan Italia is the only born and brought up Indian to break the international music market with a truly mainstream English album and without the backing of a Major label, let uniquely with the funding of one." - HUH? Well of COURSE he is. No-one else even understands what he's done, let alone has the ability to copy it.
Ghost Money
"Welcome to a picture of nothing. Twisted easy listening for the post eschatonic mind." - I looked it up, it's to do with the Day of Judgement, where God weighs up your sins. Post-escatonic presumably means you're either in heaven or hell, where twisted easy listening will be the LAST of your concerns.
Ghost Money (Again)
"Into the propaganda-ravaged 21st Century unconscious Ghost Money releases a contrary collection of sonic escapades to gently dissolve even stubborn accreditations of doublethink, general twaddle, and related angry programmed brainstorms." - Translation: We've got a record out, with songs on it. We're really pleased with it and we really hope you like it!!! ;-)
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Comments
Ha
Wow! So THAT'S where all the English graduates who wanted to do PhDs but couldn't get funding went!
heh these sound a bit like uni references.. well kinda atleast.. not so good references after your translations :P.. speaking of which i should get on with my personal statement.. bleh :(
As a recipient of a hundred or so press releases a week (in my capacity as Managing Editor of A.N. Other website), and as a music reviewer (for proper grown up printed magazines), I heartily agree. Some of them are utterly hilarious.
On the flipside, I write press releases on a freelance basis for some indie labels, and it's not an easy job, let me tell you.
Try coming up with something new or interesting to say about the latest bunch of whey faced scratchy guitar bands who all sound and look identical. And it was a rubbish look and sound to begin with.
I have gotten to a point where I sometimes don't mention the music at all, concentrating on their appearances as extras in The Bill, or their one legged fisherman grandfather, in a vain attempt to find something / anything interesting to say about them.
Which is the rule of thumb. The more outlandish a press release, the less interesting the music is. Especially, if I wrote it.
[Agreed. Sometimes I think the press release should be given a wider release, and the song used to promote it. Got any favourite quotes to share from your press release pile? - Fraser]
This has nothing to do with the article, I just wanted to say that the new layout/colours looks pretty :)
[Thanks Lisa! It's nice, innit? - Fraser]
Do you know.. I still can't understand why the ±«Óãtv can't wide screen its websites or at least center them for wide screen computers!!
And I've come to the conclusion that the grey at the side is more bearable if all the links show as blue for visited.. so I'm clicking them all like a maniac :P
[Got any favourite quotes to share from your press release pile? - Fraser]
Why just today I received the following;
"Johnny Foreigner burst out of the second city in a feedback hurricane of thrilling new-wave guitar music. The three-piece come armed with a blistering array of melodious, discordant rackets that leave an immediate, indelible gunshot on the brain"
Translation - they have a copy of Nirvanas Greatest Hits, but have yet to master playing their instruments. Thus, they will pretend they're influenced by Wir(e) despite only owning a Franz Ferdinand single.
And what the flipping heck is an "indelible gunshot". I had kind of assumed that if you were on the receiving end of a gunshot, you would be sadly disappointed if you tried to wash it away with a wet rag.
Anyway, "Arcs Across The City" by Johnny Foreigner is out on November 26th. I have to now go play it:-(
As the author of the above Ghost Money press release I confess I didn't envision that anyone could consider it other than a satire itself upon the usual hyperbolic guff from which they are are typically fashioned. Here's the rest of it so the reader might form their own opinion.
Well come to a picture of nothing.
Twisted easy listening for the post eschatonic mind.
Into the propaganda-ravaged 21st century unconscious Ghost Money releases a contrary
collection of sonic escapades to gently dissolve even stubborn accretions of doublethink, general
twaddle and related angry programmed brainstains. Far more relaxing than installing an
economic dictatorship, or an incomprehensible legislative agenda, indeed a deep relief when
compared to a modern end-time conflagration, especially at today's pricing structures! A picture
of nothing is purely, concisely, delicately, nicely and precisely just that.
One is entitled to question whether the release of any material, even if it exists somewhere
between the audible and the unmanifest, or is borderline between noumena and phenoma
actually make any bloody difference in a morbidly saturated market?
Wake up Britain.
After extensive canvassing of the theta waves of typical situationally based 'bongoing'
consumers, with corresponding astatistical dysanalysis we were left with absolutely nothing but
blank stares. That's why! Besides which we need to come up with some better ideas than giving a
pit bull mandrax, metaphorically speaking.
Marketing considerations aside, all the madnnes and irony of ye contemporary dichotomies, yet
made in keeping with the philosophy of having one's tongue firmly in one's cheek (A far more
satisfactory location than up someone else's arse, for example.) An unsatisfactory method as
common experience attests, well you would have thought so but....
The album was realised by Ghost Money with the assistance of Inder Goldfinger on percussion/
tabla and Jon Whitfield, sticks and brushes, co-produced by Gaye Device.
What of that angelic lifestyle you always wanted, but somehow forgot you always had?
Really a plaything, for your own imaginings.
Perhaps we are all heading to an ultimate form of reductionism, Â we might all take a terse and charmless Tarantino-flavoured route to promotional verbiage. How about a plain page with the solicitation to " Listen to the f***ing disc you f***.
Here's to a brighter future, Ghost Money.
[See, everyone? I TOLD you press releases are genius! Barking mad, but genius nonetheless. - Fraser]
I too get to see quite a few press releases, most of them are bobbins, really lazy and boring, most of then also follow such a format, it is hard not to imagine some sort of PR person template in word.. something like:
"insert track name" is the stunning/amazing* debut/new* single by "insert artist name".
Hailing from "insert town name", "insert artist name" have built up a massive/loyal* following, as well as picking up/champions* at "insert radio station", "insert radio DJ's name" called them "insert quote, cut up from sentence you thought you heard him / her say" etc etc
*delete where appropriate
I did enjoy the full extract of the Ghost Money press release though - bet you don't get many artists that bother to write their own, and make it funny & mad at the same time!
Part Time Dave
London Village
p.s. bring back Mark & Lard.
[I haven't borrowed them. - Fraser]
That Ghost Monkey (or whatever their called) press release is absolutley barmy. . . I consider myself fairly intelligent and I found myself so confused by the whole thing that I woke up under my desk, sweating and shaking with vomit down my t-shirt screaming 'THE WORDS, THEIR TAKING OVER, THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM!'
Thanks Jamie, looks like you prefer the "Tarantino" option then.
HaHa That Made Me Laugh All The Way Through !
Ta Fraser. =]
Just one question for J.R. Worthington:
ARE you an English graduate who wanted to do/did a PhD?... or maybe thought it was pointless, judging by your style!!!
(See comment 2. above)
ARE you an English graduate who wanted to do/did a PhD?... or maybe thought it was pointless, judging by your style!!!
Alas no, though I find it flattering that I could dupe you into thinking I am in some way learned. You provide insufficient evidence of your own style for the rest of us to evaluate. I wonder do you see yourself as judge and jury in your own little 'diplock' court of literary jurisdiction?
On the other hand, while this kind of banter may give rise to a certain amount of amusement, I can't see it raising the generally parlous state of promotional faeces in which we find ourselves swimming. I would dearly like to see some contributions showing the rest of us how to write a 'proper' press release, one that does not suffer from the deficiencies discussed on this page, I am sure the imperiously minded among you will just leap at the chance to have your own offerings scrutinised.
If we are to derive any real benefit from having a sense of humour we might be mindful that it lies in the ability to laugh at oneself as well, there's always an acrid whiff of fear behind a condescending sneer, isn't there?
"If they learned to love themselves they might survive the murky depths."-The Residents.
Be seeing you! Ghost Money.
[Sorry, I've no interest in helping press releases rise above the level of 'promotional faeces'. I like them like that. And not in a sneering way either. - Fraser]
Re: Richard's comment above:
In no particular order...
Huh?
...umm...Ha, ha...?
Who's sneering?
Why were you trying to dupe anyone?
How do you know any of us are NOT laughing at ourselves?
Oh, and...HUH???
Rachel, congratulations are in order,
In no particular order...
Huh?
...umm...Ha, ha...?
Who's sneering?
Why were you trying to dupe anyone?
How do you know any of us are NOT laughing at ourselves?
Oh, and...HUH???
is a magnificent triumph of the absence of style over the inhalation of substance. But don't worry, I'll leave the last word with you.
In no particular order...
Huh?
Oh, and...HUH???
...umm...Ha, ha...?
Richard, I don't want the last word!
You may be right, but you haven't answered my questions. Why has this become an argument?