Fergie's Lyriscope
Pop songs...terribly important things, aren't they? Especially in the words department. A good pop lyric is the kind of thing you can set your watch by, such is its ineffable rightness. A bad pop lyric is also a thing to be cherished, as this crazy old world contains much which is frustrating or sad, and there's often a lack of things to have a really good giggle about like you can to 'Long Hot Summer' by Girls Aloud.
So, in order to test the truth and brilliance of certain song lyrics, ChartBlog boffins have developed a device called a Lyriscope - part lyric, part horoscope (part badger).
This takes key phrases from songs, and measures how much it is possible to reacreate them using actual real life stuff. Naturally this kind of hazardous endeavour is best left to the professionals, so don't try anything in this feature yourselves, OK?
Our first Lyriscope victim is Fergie's 'Big Girls Don't Cry'.
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Lyric: "The smell of your skin lingers on me now"
To get a really good Lyriscope reading, what you need to do is try and re-create a pop song's lyrics as closely as you possibly can, to the extent of, like, living every breath and comma. But working out what certain lyrics actually mean isn't always a straightforward job. This line, for example, can be interpreted in a number of ways.
1: Fergie doesn't wash
2: Fergie's fella wears very smelly aftershave
3: Fergie's fella doesn't wash
4: Fergie's fella doesn't wash AND wears very smelly aftershave to cover it up
5: All of the above.
To get to the bottom of things, I went out to a busy town centre and attempted to transfer the smell of someone's skin from them onto me, so that I could then leave it there and see how long it would linger. I tried to select people who clearly could do with a wash, or a lot less cologne, and then I would approach them, shake them very warmly by the hand, and then rush off, sniffing my fingers.
Turns out, people really don't like it if you do that. So no wonder this song is about feeling all upset and stuff. After a couple of close encounters of the tramp kind, I felt pretty fed up myself!
LYRISCOPE RATING: 3.8
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Lyric: "I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity, Peace, Serenity"
This was quite a tough one to crack. Clearly Fergie is trying to suggest that she needs some space, so that she can develop her own territory, which is very healthy. So, leaving the warm embrace of my loving family, I ventured outside to try and find a) something to shelter from and b) something to shelter IN.
Luckily, it's raining, so that took care of a), but b) proved harder to get right.
It's not sheltering from the rain which is hard, it's more that Fergie's rules seem to demand that I find my own form of protection, generated by me. And just raising a hand over my head isn't really keeping the worst of the storm at bay. In a sudden bolt of inspiration, I remember that the full lyric ends with the word 'baby'. Fergie isn't trying to shelter under her own hands at all, she's simply invested in something called a 'Protection Baby', and needs to erect it as soon as possible.
I've no idea what such a thing might be, but, using a few bits and bobs I found laying about, I did my best to make one (see pic), and then worked my way through the phone book. Some hours later, sopping wet, I took shelter of my own Protection Baby, so I could be be with myself and Center (Jones), Clarity (O'Toole), Peace (Williams) and Serenity (McDonald). None of whom were pleased to have been dragged out on a rainy day. And they all glared at me as my Protection Baby leaked suspicious yellow fluid from the nappy area onto their heads.
LYRISCOPE RATING: 2.3
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Lyric: "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket"
Hmmm, tricky. In order to work out whether Fergie means that she is going to miss me a) not very much or b) a lot, I had to discover how much a child would miss their blanket. The only way to gather this kind of information is to interrogate a child, and ask he or she how much they actually WOULD miss their blanket if I was to remove it. 
Needless to say, walking up to a random child in the shopping centre and asking how he would feel if I were to whip his blanket off is not without its fair share of risk. And there were times when I wished I had brought my Protection Baby with me, so the hail of abuse and flying handbag blows might have something to bounce off.
Eventually I found a young lad who looked very comfy with his blankie. While his mother was looking for her purse in the queue, I snuck over and whipped the cloth from his grip. Then, notebook in hand, settled down to watch.
I woke up, dazed some minutes later, with the imprint of a supermarket shopping basket on the side of my face. It seems Fergie is going to miss me to an almost homicidal degree.
LYRISCOPE RATING: 4.1
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Lyric: "It's time to be a big girl now. And big girls don't cry"
They do if you shout at them for whacking you around the head with a shopping basket. Especially if their child has been screaming for ten minutes non-stop, and they've had no sleep, and you've still got the baby's blanket in your hands, only now it's covered in blood and Sonny Jim won't touch it, even though it's the only thing which will calm him down. Arrange all those things to happen at once, and you'll see. They cry only too well.
LYRISCOPE RATING: 3.3
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Lyric: "Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?"
One quick flick through Grimms Fairy Tales later: No.
LYRISCOPE RATING: 4.9
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Lyric: "And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay"
After a long think, I have decided that this is stupidity dressed up as cleverness. Any fool can foresee darkness. Currently, in the UK, it happens around 10pm, depending on where you are. It's easily dispelled though. Lightbulb, anyone?
LYRISCOPE RATING: 1.3
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Lyric: "Like the little school mate in the school yard.
We'll play jacks and king cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine"
I write this from the scary confines of a prison cell. I can't talk for long, but I must just say that attempting to replicate this section of the lyrics is a REALLY BAD IDEA. Especially if you attempt to do card tricks and then offer out Valentines. I am now crying, like a big girl. Is this maybe what Fergie had in mind all along? Who can say...
LYRISCOPE RATING: 0.1
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Anyone know the number of a good lawyer?
Comments
Haha.
I liked the fairytales one!
I don't know, that one just made me laugh (:
thank you, this made my day! it has been a very boring day but still, THANK YOU!.. do you still have computer access in your cell? tell them your name is paris and they might treat you better, you never know, they might let you out but confide you to your home.. then again even if that does happen dont get your hopes up, theyll just chuck you back in again..
[I'm telling you, I've got claustrophobia! Lemme out! - Fraser]
ok, we need to form a plan.. hmm, im thinking like in the disney robin hood, dress up as the guards, knocking out the existing guards in the process, fire an arrow with a rope attached to your cell and then you can escape down the rope!what do you think? i recon it might actually work :D
[Count me in! Unless there is ANY dressing as a washerwoman, in which case count me ou...er...hmm...might think about that one... - Fraser]
you suggested the washerwoman, not me! you never know, the evil little CB goblins may be nice and aid our plan to set you free. what i dont get is why you didnt just give your 'protection baby' baby a blanket and see how it reacted when you stole it from its grasp, then you wouldnt have gotten yourself into all this mess! (note: ALL this mess, youd still be in alot of it) and you wouldnt need to dress as a washerwoman, unless you want to of course :P
[Look at the picture, Protection Baby is nine feet long! I'm not annoying that thing if I can help it! - Fraser]
fair enough. geesh if the babys that big how big are its parents?!
[No idea, but the dad wears a cloud for a hat. - Fraser]
You are silly. You should have devised a clever plan in getting the blanket off that baby. you should have gone up to it's mum and said 'oh, what a sweet baby. What's his/her name?' then she'd have told you and you could have, like, gone 'oh, that's a lovely name.' being all sweetness and light. Then you could've said 'it's really cold. I'm just going to put the blanket on him/her' and taken the blanket off. Then the baby would scream or whatever and you could just quickly cover it with the blanket and say something like 'there, nice and warm now!'. If you did that, you'd have to make sure you didn't do it really creepy, just do it like someone who cares for babies. Now, with the matter of breaking you out....I'll come up with a plan, trust me....:)
[I will know better next time. And hurry, there's rats in here! - Fraymond]
hey, we already have a plan! is it not good enough for you? :(
the bit
"Like the little school mate in the school yard.
We'll play jacks and king cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine"
is wrong...
its jacks and uno cards.
sorry to be picky
p.s i loved the rest btw x x x
omg i didnt think the words of songs ment that much mind u seeing what the lines could mean is realli funny. i liked the im gonna miss u like a child misses their blanket line :)
Hmm, I wonder if Queen would pardon him.
If not we could always send you a Mariah tape.. play it and not only will all the glass in the windows shatter, but the iron bars will splinter and bend leading to a perfectly easy escape!
omg!! i luvthe whole thing but hate fergies song
Just brilliant.
How do you do it Fraser? WHERE do you get your ideas?! You're mad you are!! (but in a good way)
Please do this with other songs!!
[*amid furious blushing* OK, Kate Nash to follow soon... - Fraser]
Aw....Kerri.....course the plan was good enough, but we'd need a plan B in case plan A didn't work. I know you're out of prison now, but I want to make a plan just in case u get in jail another time because of the lyricscope. How about....I suppose the digging yourself out with a spoon option is out of the question? Or knockin out the guard who brings your food, switching clothes then you could easily get out of the prison. I dunno.....you could pretend to be Paris Hilton. Or something. Running out of options here. See yaz. xxx
i already mentioned the paris thing.. maybe not digging out with a usual spoon, but your magical spork! the mission can be the first CB street team mission :D
Oops didn't see your Paris Hilton comment....soz lol. Yeah...my magical spork! It's got an underground drilling component thingamimmy-bob on it. We can slip it to Fraser when we visit him in prison, then he can dig out and we can hide him in a basement till it blows over and people think he's escaped and dead. Then, we can disguise him and give him his nickname of Fraymond McAlpence as his new name. Sorted! Thats our plan B, Kerri, your plan is Plan A. Haha.
well im not being funny or nothing, but 2 start off with you got alot of the lyrics wrong. For example you said
' Like the little school mate in a schoolyard
Well play jack and king cards',
WAT WERE U ON!!
its
Like a little schoolmate in a schoolyard
Well play jacks and uno cards'
I find Fergie pretty good, all you doing really is critisizing her, atleast she knows what she's writting about.
your plan is better then mine, i recon yours should be made into plan a :D
Lolz, no, YOURS is better. But yeah, I like my spork. It's got so many uses it's got a penknife, drill, screwdriver, torch, an the actual spork part, a magnifying glass....IT'S GOT AN MP3 PLAYER! Ha......