±«Óãtv

No. 5: Calvin Harris

It seems that at some point in his life, young Calvin Harris has been mis-understood. People have been talking about the kind of people he is into, and they've really got the wrong end of the stick. It's hard to be entirely clear what sort of vile poison they have been spreading, but something has certainly lit a fire in this fella, and now he's decided to set the record straight, the only way he knows how, through the healing power of music.

The first rumour which Calvin has had to put to bed is that nasty one saying that he's only prepared to get freaky with people who are older than 27. This is just a VICIOUS LIE, as his song 'Acceptable In The '80s' took great pains to point out. And he did a very clever thing there by explaining how he has love for you if you were born during that decade, because if anyone was trying to claim that he was actually really unto under-17s, well, that's them told.

But then, some other scallywag must've been out there claiming that he likes boys, or dogs, or cheesecake, or ANYTHING which is not girls. That's a line crossed, right there. Cue Calvin's second song-denial, 'The Girls', in which he basically describes all of the girls that he likes...and detailed analysis reveals that it really is ALL of the girls that he likes.

It'd be interesting to find out how long he can keep this up. Or whether future songs like 'I Never Did Wet My Pants That Time', or 'Shut Up! You're Not Having My Dinner Money' sell quite as well. But if it helps Calvin, that's all that matters...

No. 4: The Enemy

If I were one of the Enemy's parents, I would be MORTIFIED that my son, who I've loved and raised since he was a tiny wee thing, is involved in a band whose entire musical output is devoted to moaning about how rubbish their background is. I mean, talk about ungrateful!

And to be fair, it's kind of tough to hear a teenager sing a lyric like "I'm so sick and tired of working just to be retired" (from 'Away From Here') without immediately yelling "AND WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? LEFT SCHOOL WHEN YOU WERE SIX, DIDJA??" at the radio. 'Had Enough' is much the same, a cry of total fury at feeling abandoned at such a tender age by society at large.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like singing about such things is A BAD THING. But on the strength of the band's two hits so far (and their album title 'We'll Live And Die In These Towns', which is also a bit rude, seeing as a lot of people CHOOSE to live in 'these towns' and actually really like it), you do have to wonder if they don't have some other songs up their sleeves which might be a bit less moany. One about a nice museum they went to, perhaps? Or a good book one of them once read? I'm not asking for the world here, people, but you could put a bit of effort in...

No. 3: Mika

We're now three songs into a musical career which, for all of the falsetto excitement, foppish posturing and Queen-aping flamboyance, really has only one thing to say. And that thing is "Hey, I'm Mika. And I am bloody BRILLIANT! I can out-sing, out-dance, out-sex, out-compose and generally out-perform every man jack of you, and I'm pretty too!". Now, pop music being pop music, this is not a startlingly original tack to take. Go YouTube any interview with Little Richard, and you'll see him saying pretty much the exact same thing, and not about Mika. Heck, even his 'emancipatory' anthem to the larger lady, 'Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)' seems to be saying that if you're a bit curvy, and self-conscious about it, don't be downhearted, you could still be in with a chance with an internationally famous pop star like Mika, yeah? So what say we turn that frown upside-down, eh? Mm?

Now, I'm not sure how down on yourself you would have to be in order to find that kind of message reassuring, but please don't be fooled. He's not really talking to you anyway. He's talking to himself again, about how kind he is to offer comfort to those poor girls who diet a lot, while he watches. Quite the hero, innee?

Anyone want to take a bet on whether his second album contains songs called 'I'm All In This Together', 'I Wanna Have My Babies', 'Cellulite Girl (I Still Would)', 'I Will Rock You' and 'I Am The Champions'?

No. 2: Klaxons

Now, as regular ChartBlog readers will know. We are NOT scientists. My understanding of The Great Beyond, and space, and the theory of relativity and all that stuff can be summarised in a word..."huh?". So, condensing the entire lyrical output of a band who seem to really GET all this stuff is not going to be easy.

Having said that, almost all of their songs are stuffed full of references to legendary weirdnesses like Atlantis, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and magick with a k. It's like they've got hold of a really old and rotten copy of The Boy's Book Of The Unexplained (Including Some Biblical Stuff Too) and shaken it over their lyric pad. Any loose words which flutter down get stuck in a song and that's that.

And if that's true, future Klax tracks should be called stuff like 'Yeti In The Bermuda Triangle', or 'ESP With Nessie', or 'Ghosts Of The Astral Plane', or something similar.

Or, assuming they're after a change of direction for album No.2, 'There's A Perfectly Rational Explanation For All Of This (Of Course)'.

No. 1: Beyonce

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Queen of all One Trick Ponies, Her Royal Majesty, the 'Yonce! Now, before anyone gets all steamed up, I am in NO WAY suggesting that Beyonce (or any of the other acts in this list) are too rubbish to have more than one idea, or that the main thrust of their output is stupid for being so focussed on the one central thought.

'Crazy In Love' aside, Beyonce has released some astonishing songs about how rubbish her fictional boyfriend is, and how she is SO dumping him right now. She's also released some so-so songs about other things, most of which escape me right now.

So it's very clear that this is one singer who really COMES ALIVE when she's telling some feckless tool off for being a gimp. Look, here's a list, with a brief summary of each song...

'Bills Bills Bills' - "It's my bloody stuff, getcha mitts off"
'Bug-A-Boo' - "Stop bloody ringing me, I'm BUSY!"
'Say My Name' - "GAH! You're bloody cheating on me, you KNACKER!"
'Independent Woman' - "I've got all this bloody money and it's MINE. You can't have none!"
'Survivor' - "Of COURSE I'm going to bloody be alright without you!"
'Irreplaceable' - "Get your bloody stuff out of my house. OI! Not THAT, that's MINE!"
'Beautiful Liar' - "I'm bloody BEYONCE, she's SHAKIRA. Got it? Now STUFF OFF, you TWO-TIMER-ER!

Seriously, apart from pointing at her own bum and wondering if we're all ready for it, what else does she do? And who else does what she does better? Exactly.

More Top 5s are available...