Advisory: Contains material of a sensitive nature
Rob: You canât tell me that every guy out there has great mental health - everybody has something going on.
VO: 33-year-old carpenter Rob, lives in Northampton with his wife Charlotte and children â Alfie and Iris.
Rob: It might look a solid shiny structure, because we thatâs what we try and portray but get a little bit closer - you see the cracks and wear over time.
VO: In 2017, the couple tragically lost their baby daughter Niamh.
Rob: It was the worst days Iâve ever experienced in my life. Whatever life gives me now; it will never be as bad as that moment.
Everything you have ever been taught is telling you to find a way to fix it, find a way to do something.
And I just couldnât.
You just try and muddle your way through until you find a way that works for you.
VO: Rob decided to organise a charity football match in Niamhâs memory.
Rob: I think football overall is my general coping mechanism.
Football has always been that sanctuary.
Only thing in my mind is the game and the people that I am playing with.
It is a great way to escape everything that is going on.
VO: It was so successful, that he went on to form Sands United FC - a football team and support network, to help bereaved dads.
Rob: Itâs football. If thatâs all your want it to be- thatâs all it will be.
If you get to a stage and we have created the right environment where you want to explore how you feel then weâre there.
If you donât- you can still lose yourself.
You can still come and play and let it all drain out of you.
VO: His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge has launched a major new campaign to try and get more men to talk about how they are feeling
HRH: How are you?
Rob: Nice to meet you? How was your trip?
VO: He has travelled to Northampton to meet Rob to find out more about his experience and this pioneering club.
HRH: Talk to me a little bit about your story about how you found yourself here and what have you been through?
Rob: We fell pregnant and everything was fine until she was 4 days away from being born, my wife hadnât felt a lot of movement that day so we went to the hospital
I forgot her notes in the car so I went to get those.
When I walked back in, thatâs where we found out she was no longer with us.
HRH: Huge shock isnât it
Rob: Massive
Rob: I think what you want is just to have someone to engage, have that bravery to go are you ok?
HRH: Do you think it is a sense of bottling it up, what men do?
Do you think thatâs what does the most damage?
It builds and builds until something cracks?
Rob: Massively yeah. I think every person has a box that they keep and they add to, whether thatâs stress at work, child loss - put that in a box.
People need to have the opportunity to say âoh you have one of these, I need it in my boxâ, letâs talk about it and explore that.
Not everybody will talk, not everybody will tell us their story.
It might take weeks or months.
But, being around the guys and hearing what theyâre talking about, they can take those little things that might help them.
HRH: Having a team at Sands Utd is setting a very good message.
Rob: People can come here without feeling judged, go and do exercise, it is good for me and I can share whatâs going on with the guys.
And that is what it is all about.
Being confident enough to have the first conversation and say: âThings arenât great. It is okay to not be okay.â
Charlotte: Sands has given Rob a purpose. Itâs linked his love of football with the love of his daughter who unfortunately doesnât get to be here with us.
Itâs made sure that pretty much every week heâs reminded of what he does and what he does it for.
Rob: Itâs a good group and itâs a good bunch.
Ones I wish never met under these circumstances we did but I think you sometimes have to make the best of what you got.
It has been exciting and been a good laugh so far, keep that going and keep that attitude throughout the team.Keep smiling and enjoying it.
An emotional look at the effect of child loss and bereavement on a personâs mental health and the benefits of talking to others.
This short film features Charlotte and Rob, whose baby daughter Niamh died in October 2017 at 39 weeks and three days.
Rob used football as a coping mechanism and set up Sands United, a football team and support network for bereaved dads.
In the clip, Rob also meets HRH the Duke of Cambridge (as he was known prior to becoming The Prince of Wales) and discusses his struggles and how he overcame them.
Teacher Notes
This film is suitable for teaching 14-16 year olds, but because it addresses some challenging issues we strongly advise making yourself very familiar with the content before using it and considering carefully whether it will be appropriate and suitable for your specific cohort.
Check class records to see if any of your class have any mental health issues or have personal/lived experience of the topics raised, and consider the best action/support for them in advance.
Check Government guidance on teaching about mental health along with your school policies to make sure you follow these guidelines/protocols and talk to a member of the SLT if you are in doubt about anything before you teach.
Whether you choose to lead a discussion, do an activity or a combination of both, always start your session by setting up a working agreement with the class. Creating a list of rules will make sure everyone feels safe and able to talk and join in without being judged.
Points for discussion
What does âbottling upâ mean? Why do you think people do this when they are struggling mentally? (You could consider this in the context of culture, stereotypes, stigma.)
Why does Sands United football team work so well for Rob and the other bereaved dads? (They can just go and play football and get a break from their worries or they can talk to other people who know how they feel.)
What can we fix in life? What canât we fix? (This open and perhaps philosophical discussion will enable pupils to consider that some things in life we have absolutely no control over but see that some things we do.)
Suggested activities:
Rob talks about feeling he needed to âfix itâ and âfind a way to do somethingâ when his daughter died. How do the class think not being able to âfix itâ or âdo somethingâ to put the situation right must have felt for him? Get students into pairs or small groups and allow them time to explore the different range of emotions that Rob could have felt. (E.g. anger, frustration, feeling useless, a failure etc.) Can they think of other situations in life where people might feel these same or similar emotions? What could help and why? (Talking and sharing is often the simplest and most helpful strategy because people can stop bottling up their feelings and, if they talk to someone with a similar experience, realise that they are not alone and get further help if needed.)
Rob says, âYou just try and muddle your way through until you find a way that works for you.â He found football helped him to get through the pain of losing his daughter. What other options could there be for people who are struggling with their mental health but donât like sport? Following discussion and development of various different ideas, pupils could explore this through the medium of art or design.
At the end of the discussion/activity, always check in with the group to make sure they are OK, revisit the working agreement and remind them to talk to someone if anything they have seen in the film or discussed has made them feel uncomfortable. Finally, always signpost where they can get further support or information both within and outside of school. is there for people right up to the age of 19 for support. Students can also find out more about and find links to further support on their page.)
Curriculum Notes
These lessons will fit within:Relationships Education, Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) and Health Education in England
Curriculum for Wales, Health and wellbeing in Wales
The Curriculum for Excellence, Health and wellbeing in Scotland
Northern Ireland Curriculum, Learning for life and work in Northern Ireland
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