鲍鱼tv

KEILIGH -A little warning before we start. Today we鈥檙e talking about domestic abuse and disability, so there鈥檚 going to be some heavy content. We will have some resources at the end and in the length if you鈥檙e affected by any of the topics discussed.
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EMMA -I was on the floor getting kicked in the back, the stomach, everywhere, and I looked up at my son and he was looking at me and I thought oh, this has got to stop.
SALIHA -聽I had to show my university timetable. I had to account for all the time that I was out of the house.
KEILIGH -Hello, and welcome to the 鲍鱼tv Ouch podcast. I鈥檓 Keiligh Baker. Statistics show that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse than non disabled women. They are also far more likely to experience multiple forms of abuse in their lifetime. The COVID-19 outbreak has forced people to isolate with their abusers for months at a time and this has led to a sharp rise in the number of calls to domestic abuse helplines and support services across the UK. But for people living with a disability or healthcare needs, particularly those who have been forced to shield, the situation can be even harder. Why are disabled women so much more likely to experience domestic abuse, and what needs to be done to help them?In this episode I鈥檒l be looking at this issue with three women who are all very close to the subject. I鈥檓 joined by my experts, Saliha and Sara, and domestic abuse servicer, Emma, who are all sharing their stories with me.聽Emma Dalmayne is an autistic advocate and a domestic abuse survivor. She鈥檚 the CEO of Autistic Inclusive Meets, a not for profit organisation, and she campaigns against fake cures targeted at autistic people. Emma, thank you so much for joining me today.
EMMA -Hello. Thank you.聽
KEILIGH -So, I understand that you actually experienced domestic abuse twice. Can you tell me a little bit about your experiences please?
EMMA -Yes. It should be understood that domestic violence isn鈥檛 always physical, so if you鈥檙e experiencing domestic violence and it鈥檚 mental it鈥檚 just as bad. Mine was physical and mental, so the first relationship was years ago, I was only 16 and I was in it for a year and a half and it was very physical. And it was very controlled, so I wouldn鈥檛 be allowed to look out of windows, I wasn鈥檛 allowed to answer the phone. I wasn鈥檛 allowed to use the phone. And at that time it wasn鈥檛 mobile phones, it was home phones, so he would dial a number into the phone before he went out and then lock the door, the front door, and I wouldn鈥檛 be able to dial out on my home phone because he鈥檇 know that the number had been changed if he came back and checked.
KEILIGH -You were living with your abuser at that time then?
EMMA -Yes.
KEILIGH -And was he the same age as you?
EMMA -No, he was three years older than me. We were living in West London, in Ealing, which was quite near my family, and then he decided that we should move up to where his family was in North London. He effectively cut me off from all support, which is quite common I believe in DV cases. So I knew no one in the area and didn鈥檛 know the area well at all. And yeah, the door would be locked. There was a balcony that I wasn鈥檛 meant to go out on. I wasn鈥檛 meant to look out of the window. And the physical abuse was really bad.聽
KEILIGH -Do you feel that the fact you鈥檙e an autistic woman was used against you by your abuser?
EMMA -Well, we didn鈥檛 know I was autistic at the time, but definitely, because as an autistic person you鈥檙e constantly doubting and reading your own communications. So if someone鈥檚 telling you you鈥檙e not doing something properly, you鈥檙e not communicating properly, it鈥檚 your fault, you should have said, you shouldn鈥檛 have acted this way.聽You鈥檙e looking at that person. You鈥檙e trying to read their body language, their facial expressions, their tone of voice. You鈥檙e trying to monitor your own responses, you鈥檙e trying to make sure that they are appropriate. How is the person reacting to them? And it鈥檚 very hard to do all that when you鈥檙e in such a stressful environment as it is, plus as an autistic woman you have a lot of self confidence and self-esteem issues, again, doubting your own communications. So yes, all of that is used against you.
KEILIGH -At what point did you realise you needed to leave?
EMMA -I was making a bottle for my son and I鈥檇 gone into the kitchen. It was probably about half eleven at night. So I鈥檇 gone into the kitchen and I鈥檇 put the kettle on and I鈥檇 started, you know, got the milk out, scraping it off to put it into the bottle, and he came in and said I was making too much noise. And my son was very clingy. I鈥檇 put him in a little stroller buggy so that he could be in the kitchen with me, you know, like a sit up buggy, and I was on the floor getting kicked in the back, the stomach, everywhere, and I looked up at my son and he was looking at me, and I thought, oh, this has got to stop.So the next morning鈥� I had managed to make a friend round there, and she came and knocked actually, and it was strange because she wasn鈥檛 meant to come that day, she hadn鈥檛 said that she was coming that day, and she came and I said to him that I was going to go and get my money out, because it would have gone in that day, and at that point he was taking my money off me as soon as I got it because there鈥檇 be no food in the house. I鈥檇 already not eaten properly for two weeks. So we left and I told her, she had no idea what was going on, you know, and I had marks all over my chest and back to prove it, you know, from the night before. So we called the police and they came and met me on the high street and I showed them, you know, I just lifted my top up and showed them. And we went back to the house and she went in for me with one of the policemen. I stayed in the car outside.聽Even with them with me I was too scared to go in there. And I just gave her a brief idea of what to get. All I wanted from there was my son鈥檚 clothes, some nappies, and my hair tongs. For some reason I really just wanted my hair tongs, I didn鈥檛 want any clothes, I didn鈥檛 want anything else from there, just those. So yeah, she came out with a black bag full of stuff and they took me to the housing first and we spoke to them and they gave me a choice of three different refuges in three different areas. And I chose Pimlico because it was a good fair distance away from north鈥� It was great just getting away from it, knowing that he wouldn鈥檛 know where I was.聽
KEILIGH -Did the physical abuse start quite quickly during your relationship or was it more of a gradual thing?
EMMA -He waited till I was pregnant, till I was a good large size pregnant, because at first if he would try to strike me I鈥檇 hit back. But then when it got to the point where I was too big to defend myself, you know, like six, seven months, then yeah.
KEILIGH -That just sounds absolutely awful. And obviously you were so young at the time as well.
EMMA -Hmm-hmm. And with no support. And there were a lot of torture techniques involved, you know, like sticking needles in my legs, sitting me on the kitchen side and telling me to say I鈥檓 stupid a certain amount of times, and if I didn鈥檛 say it properly I鈥檇 get a slap. You know, things like that. Very manipulative.
KEILIGH -Did you鈥�? I mean, you say your friend didn鈥檛 know, do you think any of your friends or family suspected what was going on?聽
EMMA -Well, I was removed completely from my family. You know, I wasn鈥檛 allowed to contact them or anything, so of course I鈥� And his family weren鈥檛 too clear really on what was going on. It was horrible. You know, I think I left it three weeks before I contacted anybody, you know, because I needed to process it all. And it was horrible having to tell people.
KEILIGH -When you first met him was he quite charming towards you?
EMMA -Oh yeah. They always are, yeah. House devil, street angle they say, don鈥檛 they?聽
KEILIGH -I鈥檝e not heard that saying before, but that does make a lot of sense doesn鈥檛 it?
EMMA -Yeah, it does. Yeah, he was very quiet, very shy, very charming, very sweet.
KEILIGH -How long were you together would you say before you first started to see those signs?
EMMA -Three months maybe?聽
KEILIGH -Oh, so not very long then?
EMMA -No, not long at all. But as I said, you know, you second guess yourself and I鈥檓 looking, you know, and he seemed so nice and everybody else is saying how lovely he is, and I鈥檓 thinking well, it must be something to do with me then, you know. I鈥檒l try this, I鈥檒l try changing like this. And as I said, I would fight back at the beginning as well.聽
KEILIGH -Do you mind just giving us a little bit of information about your second relationship that was abusive? Because it was different to the first.
EMMA -Yeah, it was worse. My second domestic violence relationship was very different because the person was very outgoing, you know, and everybody鈥� He was the life and soul of the party and everybody thought he was brilliant. And again, you know, you second guess and doubt yourself. And the violence was as bad if not worse than before. So it is possible to make the same mistake twice. It can happen. And people who are more vulnerable are going to give as much as they can because they believe that they鈥檙e at fault.聽And they should know that they鈥檙e not. It鈥檚 never, ever going to be you. No matter what you do you don鈥檛 deserve to be made to feel less or degraded or embarrassed or hurt or kept away from people or scared to get up or make a noise or possibly say the wrong thing, because there鈥檚 nothing so wrong that you could say that would earn you what I had, or what you could be getting now. So do communicate, because people won鈥檛 know. You may think people know because they haven鈥檛 heard from you or you鈥檙e dressing a different way now. They won鈥檛 know, you do need to tell someone. Make sure to speak out.聽
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KEILIGH -Now, Saliha. You鈥檙e a representative for domestic abuse charity, Women鈥檚 Aid, but you鈥檙e also a domestic abuse survivor yourself.
SALIHA -Yes. Thank you for having me. My name is Saliha Rashid, and I am a survivor of honour based abuse. I am registered blind, and I come from a community that operated an honour system, which meant that everything in my life was under constant control and monitoring. I was always told that because I am blind and a woman I couldn鈥檛 have high aspirations or be independent. It took me three attempts to leave this behind, and recently I decided to be a campaigner on these issues and I鈥檓 now a survivor ambassador for Women鈥檚 Aid.
KEILIGH -Amazing. Well, we鈥檙e very lucky to have you on today. We really appreciate you taking the time out.
SALIHA -Thank you.
KEILIGH -My second guest, Sara, is a freelance journalist, focusing on women鈥檚 rights. She鈥檚 a former helpline and support worker and has worked for various women鈥檚 charities in the UK, France and Slovakia. Sara, in your opinion, why are disabled women more likely to experience domestic abuse than non disabled women?
SARA -Generally speaking, when we look at the dynamics of domestic abuse the perpetrators always try to create a climate of fear and social isolation and dependency to make sure that the victim kind of feels trapped or isolated. And really, unfortunately, in order to do this they have a tendency to use any kind of situation or factor that might make it more difficult for the woman or for the man, for the victim, to defend themselves or to leave.聽I have spoken to some victims who need personal assistance and if the abuser is also their personal assistant or their carer this might make it very tricky and very complicated for the victim to leave, especially if they really rely on the abuser鈥檚 help or care. And obviously this is why it鈥檚 so important that we talk about this topic, that we raise awareness to this issue and that we continue to make sure that we can improve the services for disabled victims of abuse, because really it鈥檚 very important.聽
KEILIGH -Brilliant. I think you answered all my questions, we might as well be done now. [Laughter] Saliha, do you have anything to add to that about why disabled women are more likely to experience domestic abuse than non disabled women?
SALIHA -Yes, as Sara was saying, often the perpetrators of abuse for disabled women are people who they rely on for care and support. So escaping that is very difficult. Also, speaking out about it can be difficult as well. So, for example, women are often advised to speak out when they go to hospital appointments or to see their GPs, but oftentimes the perpetrator is with them, so they鈥檙e kind of silenced there as well.I think lack of awareness is also a barrier for disabled women, so lack of knowledge and understanding around services and support that is available to them. And a lack of accessible information, so information in braille or audio text that is easy to read. And also I think a huge barrier is the fact that the perpetrator often tells them, the message that鈥檚 given to them, is that nobody is going to believe you and you need us, and kind of mentally it鈥檚 very difficult then for a woman to speak out.
KEILIGH -For some reason this idea still persists that domestic abuse is a man hitting a woman, and that鈥檚 not the case. I mean, Saliha, you鈥檝e got first-hand experience of this. Domestic abuse takes all sorts of different forms.
SALIHA -Exactly.
KEILIGH -What kind of forms can it take?
SALIHA -So, domestic abuse has many forms. Emotional and psychological abuse, being told that you鈥檙e not good enough, that you will never amount to anything because of your disability, creating that environment of dependency, like Sara was saying. Controlling behaviour. So controlling every aspect of someone鈥檚 life, who they socialise with, what they do. Financial abuse. They鈥檙e taking away somebody鈥檚 money, controlling that, because that鈥檚 a kind of a key resource. And then there is the physical abuse as well. So in terms of disabled women that could be removing their mobility aids, restricting their mobility in that way as well.
KEILIGH -And obviously a lot of the time it doesn鈥檛 start off as just, you know, one big thing, it starts small. I mean, from your personal experience, Saliha, how did the abuse sort of begin, and how did you escape that situation?
SALIHA -It started with just basic aspects of my life being under constant control. So what time I went to bed, the books that I read, who I spoke to, the friends that I had. And then as I was getting older and was going to university those restrictions intensified. And when I saw the life that my fellow students were living, you know, my colleagues at university, I then realised that something was very wrong. And my final attempt to leave was during my first year of university.聽
KEILIGH -Wow, so you didn鈥檛 really recognise that as abuse until you were about 18 then, is that right?
SALIHA -Yes. I always knew that I wanted to be independent and I always had high aspirations, but no, I never recognised, I didn鈥檛 know what honour abuse was actually until after I鈥檇 left.
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KEILIGH -I鈥檒l go back to you for this one, Sara. In your opinion, what are the main challenges faced by disabled women when it comes to reporting or escaping domestic abuse?
SARA -It can take a very long time for a victim of domestic violence to recognise or to acknowledge that what they are going through is actually domestic violence. And again, you know, this is true for disabled and non disabled victims alike. But when we look at disabled women or disabled men experiencing domestic violence there can be some additional challenges when it comes to reporting the abuse or escaping the abuse, especially right now, you know, with the lockdown where so many people and so many domestic abuse victims are kind of trapped or isolating with their abuser. And it might be very challenging to, for example, to make that phone call to a local charity or to ask for help.聽Also, you know, a very big problem is the fact that it might be very challenging to find a suitable refuge space, especially right now during the pandemic because we know domestic violence has spiked and many charities around the world are overwhelmed right now and struggle to meet demand. And finding a suitable, accessible, safe refuge space for a disabled victim might be a little bit challenging. Or making sure that the perpetrator if, for example, they are the victim鈥檚 personal assistant, leaves and then the victim can stay at home but really be safe from abuse.
KEILIGH -And then, going back to Saliha, do you think as well there is still a kind of, a social fear involved in reporting abuse? Do you think people are still worried or ashamed or embarrassed about what their friends and family will say if they do report their abuse?
SALIHA -Absolutely, yes. And I think that there is this fear for all victims, and I think for disabled victims this can be exacerbated. Carers are looked upon as having the person鈥檚 best interests at heart. And oftentimes they do, but unfortunately, in cases of domestic abuse that鈥檚 not the case, but it鈥檚 that fear that they will not be believed, that their carer will be believed or the person that鈥檚 supporting them will be believed over them. Absolutely.聽
KEILIGH -I think also as well it鈥檚 important at this point, I鈥檓 just going to throw some statistics out there for us to talk about, we still don鈥檛 really know what the effects are going to be, the long lasting effects. What we do know is before the pandemic even took place back in 2019, 1.6 million women in the UK experienced domestic abuse, and every fortnight three women are killed by their partner or ex-partner in England and Wales. Those statistics are for all women, but obviously then you have to think about the fact that disabled women are twice as likely to experience that abuse. Those are not good statistics are they?聽
SARA -Yes, they are really, really worrying and it鈥檚 really so sad to hear about this. And for me personally as a former support worker and helpline worker it鈥檚 really heart-breaking. You know, I really feel a lot of compassion, and when the pandemic broke out I was really very worried about all the victims of domestic abuse who are now trapped in the lockdown with their abusers.聽
KEILIGH -And then, Saliha, I know obviously you work with Woman鈥檚 Aid a lot. I know at the beginning of the pandemic they issued a report which said that even within the first month or two disabled women were coming to them and saying that their abuser was withholding medication from them. Is that surprising to you?聽
SALIHA -Unfortunately it鈥檚 not surprising. It鈥檚 extremely shocking and sad, but it鈥檚 not surprising. Withholding medication, again, is another form of abuse and it鈥檚 a form of control. And control is something that perpetrators like to have over their victims. And the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown situation has exacerbated that I think for women who are unable to go out because they鈥檙e shielding or other issues. This year has definitely made it more difficult for them.聽
KEILIGH -I think as well it鈥檚 important to mention that disabled men are obviously more likely to experience abuse than non disabled men, but there do seem to be fewer statistics around about this. Why do you think this is? Starting with you, Sara.
SARA -Yes. Again, this is such an important question because, as you said, we have fewer statistics and less data. We look at domestic violence from the perspective of violence against women, we look at it as gender based violence, which of course is true because there tends to be more violence perpetrated against women than men, but oftentimes we might forget researching the impacts of violence against men, and particularly against disabled men. So I think this is very important and we should definitely carry out more research to understand the dynamics of the violence and to have more statistics and also to be able to provide more services to disabled men, whether it鈥檚 helplines or refuge accommodation.聽
KEILIGH -Yes, definitely. Saliha, do you have any thoughts on this?
SALIHA -So following on from what Sara said, domestic abuse is often perpetrated by men against women. However, we do need to remember that men can also be victims of domestic abuse. I think that there are definitely underreporting issues and this is an area that needs further research. And I think there is stigma attached for all victims in terms of reporting, and more so for those with a disability.聽
KEILIGH -Staying with you, Saliha, would you say at the moment, because of COVID-19 for some disabled people it鈥檚 forced them to increase their dependence on others, whether that is their PAs, their other half, and it鈥檚 made home a bit of a pressure cooker.聽
SALIHA -Absolutely, yes. I think there is definitely an increased dependence on the person that you rely on for support, especially as we鈥檙e encouraged to stay at home unless it鈥檚 necessary to leave, which is absolutely correct, but that means that often it will be the perpetrator who will leave and do those tasks for the victim.
KEILIGH -And again, that does tie in with the evidence we have so far. I think the National Domestic Abuse Helpline reported in the first month of lockdown, so all the way back in March, April 2020, that they鈥檇 had a 25% increase in the number of calls. And obviously since then we鈥檝e had three major nationwide lockdowns and it鈥檚 hard to imagine how hard that situation must be for disabled people in the moment. Sara, what are your thoughts on this?
SARA -Yes, I mean it must be very, very hard for disabled people who are currently trapped with their abusers in lockdown and also to make sure that we have enough refuge spaces accessible to disabled people, because this really is crucial.
KEILIGH -Sara, just following on from that, what advice would you give to a friend or neighbour that was concerned that they knew someone who was experiencing domestic abuse?
SARA -I think it鈥檚 very important to show that we care, that I鈥檓 not kind of looking away. Sometimes it鈥檚 worth talking with the victim and maybe just ask, you know, if there鈥檚 something they would like to tell you or to share. Obviously safety is very important, so if somebody wants to escape that environment it鈥檚 always worth calling a helpline or working closely with a women鈥檚 refuge or a women鈥檚 charity, just to make sure that the steps that that victim will take are safe, that they will not put them at more risk.
KEILIGH -And, Saliha. What advice would you give to someone who has a gut feeling someone who they know might be experiencing domestic abuse?
SALIHA -I think talking to that person and just listening, listening to them impartially and empathically, not being judgemental, and just listening. Because everybody is at different stages of their journey. It takes a lot of courage for people to take that step and leave a situation. And a victim may not feel ready to do that straight away, but knowing that there鈥檚 somebody that鈥檚 going to listen to them and that cares is a great comfort. So that would be my advice if it鈥檚 a personal friend or neighbour, to just show them that you鈥檙e there for them whenever they鈥檙e ready to talk.
KEILIGH -That鈥檚 really good advice. So really as well it鈥檚 a matter of being patient.聽
SALIHA -Yes.
KEILIGH -Because they will be on different stages of their journey, like you said. And I guess, going back to what we said earlier about kind of the social constraints that people put on themselves, obviously if there鈥檚 an element of shame or embarrassment they probably will get defensive. They might even deny it鈥檚 happening initially.聽
SARA -Yes, they鈥檙e just listening with compassion.聽
KEILIGH -Earlier on, Emma told me about an experience she had when someone intervened when they saw her being abused by her ex-partner.
EMMA -My son, when I was in the first relationship, he had a lot of medical issues, an awful lot of medical issues. He had an operation at six months and an operation at a year old. So we were in hospital in Great Ormond Street. And I said to my partner at the time that I needed to go and make a cup of tea. There was a tea making machine outside. And straight away there was, 鈥淥h, do you fancy one of the doctors? Why do you need to leave the room?鈥� you know. And I just wanted to get up because we鈥檇 been in this room for three days and the only time I was leaving the room鈥� Because the little one was in a cot on a drip etc, you know, was to use the toilet or make a tea. So I thought, right, I鈥檒l go and make a tea.聽So he started an argument with me about making this cup of tea and he ended up headbutting me twice in the face. And the door opened and this little lady came in. She was a parent, she was an Asian lady, she was wearing a sari, and she walked in and she didn鈥檛 say a word, not one word. And he looked at me and I looked at him and he went, 鈥淲ho鈥檚 this?鈥� and I said, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know.鈥澛燗nd she sat on the bed and just stared at me and beckoned. So I went and sat next to her and he didn鈥檛 know what to do. So he walked out and then she just held my hand and we sat there very quietly. And that鈥檚 another thing you can do, you know, if you see someone being abused you can go over. And you don鈥檛 need to say anything, it鈥檚 just letting the person know that you鈥檙e there.聽
KEILIGH -聽Going back a little bit to something that I think we mentioned a little while ago, is obviously about the accessibility of refuges at the moment. Disabled women already face extra risk when they try to escape an abusive situation and I know a 鲍鱼tv investigation from a couple of years ago found only one in ten domestic violence refuge spaces in the UK is accessible to people with physical disabilities.聽Going back to your time then in the refuge, you and your son arrived there. How was that?
EMMA -At the time when I look back鈥� well, at the time I thought it was wonderful, you know, I was ushered in, I was made a cup of tea. They gave me a key to a room. I met the other women. A lot of them had been through very similar to worse to less. And it was interesting hearing all their stories and you get women coming in in the middle of the night with five children and bags. It was surreal. And I felt very relieved to be there, but when I look back now I wish that they鈥檇 given me so much more help.聽
KEILIGH -What would have made your experience better?
EMMA -I have a list.
KEILIGH -Okay.
EMMA -I was not eating properly. There was never鈥� I was eating flour and water. You put it together and then you can fry it and make dumplings or you can boil it. So I was making those鈥� That was all I had for two weeks. My stomach had shrunk. If they鈥檇 have said to me - I didn鈥檛 tell anybody this - if they鈥檇 have said to me, 鈥淩ight, we have a counsellor and a dietician and a doctor and a financial adviser, all on call, you know, so if you need to speak to anybody about this鈥︹�� You know, 鈥淎re you eating okay? You know, do you have bruises that we haven鈥檛 seen? Is there anything that you need to show us? Is there anything that鈥檚 concerning you?鈥澛� So yeah, he was taking all my money. So he鈥檇 go out for the day, I鈥檇 be left with nothing. I made sure鈥� He鈥檇 take me shopping and I got the baby food but I wasn鈥檛 allowed to get food for myself.聽
KEILIGH -And do you feel almost that that kind of thing conditioned you so that when you were in the refuge you didn鈥檛 know how to kind of ask for food because you鈥檇 been denied it for so long?
EMMA -Yeah. Well, it was my normality. It had been normal for me for a long time at that point. But even then I wouldn鈥檛 have gone over and said, 鈥淚 just thought I should tell you this,鈥� because no one had asked me, and that鈥檚 very common with autistic people. So no, I didn鈥檛 tell anyone because I wasn鈥檛 asked.聽
KEILIGH -So that鈥檚 something that you feel would have helped you a lot then, if they鈥檇 actually asked those specific questions relating to your kind of welfare at the time?
EMMA -Yes. Yeah.
KEILIGH -How long were you in the refuge for?
EMMA -I was in there for six months and there was a rota of chores that you were meant to do which changed鈥� They changed the people every week, which really messed me up, because it wasn鈥檛 clear to me. So I missed my chores for four weeks in a row because they kept changing them and no one would tell me. So I was actually asked to leave. Lack of communication.聽
KEILIGH -But do you feel that that鈥檚 something that an autistic person in particular would struggle with in that situation?
EMMA -Yeah. I mean, why would you change the people every week? It just doesn鈥檛 make any sense does it? So counsellors, dieticians, a doctor and financial advice, because I had no money, I wasn鈥檛 told about grants or anything that I could access. There was no float of money you could borrow from until you got your money the next week or whatever. Those things I think should definitely be put in place.聽
KEILIGH -I mean, obviously this was a little while ago, but at the time did it feel under resourced to you?
EMMA -No. No, there was definitely enough staff in there, and they were lovely staff. They just, you know, they鈥檇 say hello to you and they鈥檇 carry on walking. If there was an emergency or anything there was staff there, but they didn鈥檛 come and seek you out, they didn鈥檛 say, 鈥淩ight, come and have a cup of tea. Come and tell me what鈥檚 happening.鈥� And if they had have done, and they didn鈥檛 do that with anybody, I would have told.聽
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KEILIGH -Saliha, starting with you, what do you think needs to be done to alleviate this?
SALIHA -I think that refuges need to be made more accessible. I mean, disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse, but yet very, very few spaces are accessible. I think there definitely needs to be more work done in that area. And also there鈥檚 the accessibility part in terms of adaptations to refuge spaces to make sure that all women can access them, but also awareness around disability issues, the challenges faced by disabled women who are experiencing domestic abuse. And I think that awareness raising across the sector is essential.
SARA -And also what I would add is that we need to make sure that we do have accessible services and refuge spaces for people with intersecting identities, because again, this might make it even more difficult, for example, if the disabled person is a minority language speaker or a refugee or has any other kind of intersecting identity. And I think ensure that we really listen empathically to what our survivors say to make sure that we do our best to try and provide them with the help they need.聽
KEILIGH -And just, we obviously are saying that these spaces need to be made more accessible. Saliha, on a practical level what would an accessible refuge have that makes it much more useful to a disabled woman fleeing abuse?
SALIHA -So I think the needs of every woman are different. So on a practical level accessibility of refuge might include installing ramps, making sure that rooms and bathrooms are accessible to women who might be wheelchair users. Having braille signage around the refuge. But the needs of every disabled woman are different and it鈥檚 about listening to each woman鈥檚 individual needs. And having an advocate, for example, for women with learning disabilities, is also something that refuges should consider.
KEILIGH -Definitely. And obviously that would apply to autistic women, women with learning disabilities, all the kind of, I guess, non physical disabilities as well, that advocacy is so important, but that seems to be really drying up during the COVID pandemic. I know lots of charities have said that their clients have really struggled as a result of not being able to access those services at the moment. So, Saliha, do you have a message for anyone who is listening to this podcast at home and who might recognise themselves in what we鈥檝e been talking about?
SALIHA -Absolutely. For anybody who鈥檚 going through this at the moment there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. There are organisations which are there to help, and there are people who care. And society, our communities and family may say that we鈥檝e brought shame, but their shame is our honour and that鈥檚 what we hold onto every single day.聽
KEILIGH -Oh, I鈥檝e got goosebumps. That鈥檚 a really good answer. Thank you so much for that. Emma, do you have any advice for autistic people who might be listening?聽
EMMA -Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and that you haven鈥檛 given permission for, that you鈥檙e not comfortable with and it鈥檚 hurting, whether it鈥檚 mentally or physically, or it鈥檚 making you feel anxious or depressed, is not right. And that鈥檚 when you need to look for help. So you might want to ring a care line or reach out to Women鈥檚 Aid or tell a family member or a friend, because you shouldn鈥檛 be suffering in silence. And the best thing I ever did was leave. You know, and the support I got from Women鈥檚 Aid was brilliant. It was lacking in some areas but it was brilliant, and if I hadn鈥檛 have done that I wouldn鈥檛 be here now. I know I wouldn鈥檛 be here now and neither would my son.
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KEILIGH -If you鈥檝e been affected by any of the issues we鈥檝e talked about links to the 鲍鱼tv Action Line pages on domestic abuse, sexual violence and honour violence are in the podcast description. Alternatively, you can search for 鲍鱼tv Action Line for more information, links and helpline numbers. Don鈥檛 forget to subscribe to the Ouch podcast on 鲍鱼tv Sounds where you鈥檒l find hundreds of disability conversations. You can get in touch by emailing ouch@bbc.co.uk and find us on Twitter and Facebook @bbcouch.聽