How to save friendships when one of you has a baby
How does a friendship change when one of you has a baby?
Woman’s Hour discusses how being a mother can change your friendships.
When you or your friend has a baby, friendship dynamics can easily change. You now have different priorities and routines that can make your lives feel miles apart. So can friendships always survive when family comes along?
Woman’s Hour spoke to Momtaz Begum-Hossain, a journalist who doesn’t have children and Candice Brathwaite, a blogger who has two. How have children affected their friendships and what tips do they have to help those relationships survive?
Momtaz Begum-Hossain
“Although I don’t have any children, a lot of my friends do, and it’s definitely changed the dynamics between us. It can be quite hard keeping our friendships going.
“If I ask a question about what the latest thing is that your child has learnt, then that’s fine, but if not, then perhaps let’s not talk about the child because beforehand we used to talk about so many different things!
“One of my best friends, I think her son was 18 months and he was there. It did mean that you couldn’t have a proper conversation. They are only listening about one percent because the other 99 percent is on their child. It is hard.
“But I have to say, two weeks ago, for the first time, she left her son with her husband and we had a Saturday afternoon together and I think it was a wonderful break for her. I know not everyone can leave their children, but it just showed, actually we can still be friends and suddenly those blockages we’d had the last few times we’d met up had gone.”
Candice Brathwaite
“I have none of my friends left with me prior to having my daughter.
“I was the first in my friendship group to have a child, and I was 25, so relatively young.
“I remember announcing being pregnant on Wednesday, and on Friday them still texting me saying, ‘we going clubbing tonight?’
“That just created quite a distance. I tried for a really long time to hold on to them but it just became too difficult.
“Now I’m not exclusively friends with women who have children.
“Quite funnily, my closest friends now are women who for whatever reason can’t have kids. And I find that they really respect the ups and downs that come with having kids because it’s as simple as saying, ‘I’ll meet you on Wednesday’ but someone gets chicken pox on Tuesday night.
“I do find that whether my friends have kids or not, I value those friendships so highly now I have children, because that’s my safe space. That’s where I get to be me, and that for me is really important."
Momtaz and Candice’s tips to help navigate friendships when one of you has children:
1. Find out when your friend’s child might be going to sleep
Momtaz: “My friend’s son goes to bed at 7pm so if I arrive just after 7, he’s gone to bed and we can have a really relaxing dinner together”.
2. Don’t send too many photos of your kids
Momtaz: “A tip for women with children - don’t over-send photos of your child to your friends, because we’re not that interested. If we ask, that’s OK, but otherwise we don’t need them daily.”
3. Remember who you are as a woman
Candice: “My tip would be, forget the kids, remember who you are as a woman and bring that to the table. That will keep all of your friends engaged.”
4. Be understanding
Candice: “If your friend has kids and you don’t, try to be understanding that they may have to cancel at the last minute. Chicken pox can come at any time!”
This article is based on a discussion on Woman's Hour on ±«Óãtv Radio 4. The Woman's Hour website has lots of articles, videos and clips on many of the topics the programme covers. You can listen to Woman’s Hour here, or via ±«Óãtv Sounds.
