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Newcastle, Australia

Bondi beach! Uluru! Sydney Opera House! All places in Australia that we have heard of. But for a more exclusive vacation experience, what about Newcastle? It’s the hometown of comedian Sarah Kendall who attempted to convince Shaun he simply had to go. But did he book a flight immediately after the podcast?

The Lowdown

Situated on Australia’s east coast, just north of Sydney, Newcastle is famous for one thing: coal. It possesses the world’s largest coal exporting harbour. Which we assume is on all the souvenir tea towels.

Pros

It’s sunny! Perhaps a bit too sunny. As Sarah confesses, after getting off the long-haul flight: “You feel like a pig that’s lived underground for a decade, you come snuffling towards the light.”

There’s quite a prevalent café culture, with plenty of independent eateries to sate Shaun’s burgeoning coffee snobbery. As the great man states: “Even though I haven’t got a sophisticated palate, I like to be asked if I’d like Ecuadorian or Ethiopian, though I don’t know the difference.”

And there are, according to Sarah, “beautiful, long golden beaches”, that feature oceanside, man-made bathing pools. Plus, possibly, a giant, decaying, fibreglass prawn sculpture somewhere.

Cons

“You’ve got to swim between the flags,” as Sarah warns. What will happen if you don’t? As well as sharks, there’s a riptide that can drag you out to sea. But don’t worry as Sarah’s father is a lifeguard. However, he is 79.

There are many, many snakes. And deadly spiders. Who love to hide in shoes. And toilets.

You will be on a plane for a day. At least. And Shaun is unwilling to sell his car to travel business class.

Is the risk of a toilet-based spider attack too much for Shaun? Listen to the full episode to find out.

Lilongwe, Malawi

Africa is big. And crammed full of touristic jewels, whether they are the Great Pyramids in the north or the teeming wildlife of the south. But comedian Daliso Chaponda suggests a trip to somewhere slightly less well known. The “beautiful, backward place” that is Lilongwe in Malawi.

The Lowdown

As Daliso points out, no one can agree where Malawi is as it’s “long and thin and vertical”. But it’s roughly in central, eastern, southern Africa. The capital Lilongwe is bustling, but not too big. It’s spread out and, according to Daliso “you can hear chickens.”

Pros

It’s very serene. It’s laidback, positive, with gallons of clear air and no light pollution, so you can see the stars. And it’s high above sea-level, so it’s slightly cooler than other southern African spots.

It’s safari heaven with a game park that possess the ‘big five’, namely: lions, elephants… zebras? Daliso is not actually sure what the big five are, but they are all in Malawi.

And there’s an incredible lake that’s so big it has waves. And monkeys.

Cons

The lake also has hippos, snakes and masses of flies. And Shaun was once mugged by a monkey in Thailand.

According to Daliso, you’re safe from criminals but you do have to worry about the authorities. “Sometimes you’ll be stopped on the street by policemen who’ve put up a roadblock as a fundraiser.”

There are black mambas there. As Iszi points out: “the scariest of all the snakes.” Though Daliso questions this, “You are not going to get bitten by a snake. But you might get malaria.”

Are the black mambas enough to put Shaun off? Or is the quieter pace of life too good to miss? Listen to the full episode to find out.

Carnac, France

Paris? Yes! St Tropez? Don’t mind if I do! Carnac? Wait, wasn’t that a famous magician? No, of course not. Carnac is in Brittany, the birthplace of TikTok superstar Tatty Macleod, who tries to convince Shaun that it’s worth a visit.

The Lowdown

The commune of Carnac is on the Atlantic coast on the northerly end of the Bay of Biscay. Half of the population are retired and so, according to Iszi: “Shaun will fit right in.” It is one of the six Celtic nations, has its own language and features piles of ancient stone circles, if you wish to release your inner druid.

Pros

According to Tatty, though it’s a beach community, it’s not just there for tourism. There’s culture, there’s food and of course, there are the stripey Breton tops, a nod to the area’s fishing history.

It smells of pine! There are lots of woods and forests. Though werewolves are definitely not from there. (Tatty claims it’s werewolf central, Iszi assures us that was further south).

No planes! You could drive and get a ferry. And there’s a pub on the ferry!

Cons

The weather is… nice. But not nice, nice. “We’re not going to the South of France,” as Tatty points out. You might need a cardigan.

There’s not a massive amount of choice when it comes to cuisine. Though they do love a crepe in Brittany. If you don’t like crepes, then pack a few Dairylea Dunkers for the trip.

“I have had an encounter with a wild boar,” Tatty admits. But it turns out you don’t have to worry about the boars. You need to worry about the Parisiennes. They invade every summer and are not appreciated in the area. Try not to get mistaken for one.

Is the wild boar spotting enough to tempt Shaun? Or will the weather put him off? Listen to the full episode to find out.

Granada, Spain

Spain! Brits love it! Benidorm, Ibiza, Barcelona. Granada. Isn’t that a northern TV franchise? No, it’s a place! And it is beloved of journalist, author and language lover Sophia Smith Galer.

The Lowdown

Granada is in southern Spain, nestled in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains, three hours north of Gibraltar. The name translates as pomegranate and the man who started the previously mentioned Granada TV named the company after the place as he had a lovely holiday there.

Pros

As Sophia tells Shaun: “It still looks and feels very medieval.” It is teeming with history. The city was the last Muslim stronghold in Spain and has obvious Arabic influences that are visible everywhere.

Order a drink and it will come with tapas. And the more drinks you order, the better the tapas will get. Plus, there’s incredible ham, olive cheese, sherry, seafood and much more. “I will eat like a king,” Shaun believes.

It’s incredibly beautiful. From the massive, ancient Alhambra fort to the pleasure palace with gorgeous gardens to the art museums to the incredible cathedral to the citadel… I could go on. But I won’t.

Cons

It is hot. And a bit stinky. “There are interesting smells from the drainage system,” Sophia admits. Though that reminds Shaun of childhood holidays in a way he describes as ‘Proustian’.

It’s possibly too hot. Sophia suffered from a condition called ‘sun poisoning’, which involves getting too much UV. Best not to go in the height of summer.

Cockroaches love it there. And as Sophia points out, they are built for the apocalypse, so they aren’t going anywhere.

Doubtful drainage, UV poisoning…they’re tempting for sure. But what will Shaun decide? Listen to the full episode to find out.

Listen to more episodes of Your Place or Mine with Shaun Keaveny on 鲍鱼tv Sounds.