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So, it goes like this. Vampires and werewolves are at war. Vampire footsoldier Selene (Kate Beckinsale) falls for a human (Scott Speedman), disgracing herself with her bloodsucking chums. Speedman promptly transforms into a hybrid Vampowolf and beats the tar out of everyone. So, Selene is on the run, pursued by an elder vampire, who is also a hybrid because somebody accidentally dripped wolf blood into his coffin. Everybody clear? Great, because get this: the movie hasn't even started yet.

Underworld: Evolution is so dedicated to its ludicrously convoluted plot that it takes half an hour to explain what the hell is going on. If you didn't see the first film, you won't have a hope of following this one, and even if you did, there are gaping holes. Why, for instance, are we suddenly in the Russian wilderness? And do they really have 24 hour restaurants out there?

"CARTOON SPLATTER"

Even for fans, Evolution's numbingly humourless script and po-faced performances would be unwatchable if it wasn't for the invigorating combination of violence and body shots. Director Len Wiseman stages his gory setpieces with a panache that's conspicuously absent from all those other scenes involving dull stuff like dialogue. Shootings, stabbings, slicings, bleedings, crushings, decapitations... Evolution takes real pride in its cartoon splatter. One poor chap gets his face punched right off. Ouchy.

The stars can't act for jam, frankly, but they're nice to look at. Speedman displays his gleaming chest at every opportunity and, not to be outdone, Beckinsale gets her latex knickers off, though sadly without the "squiiick-pop!" noise that one might reasonably expect.