±«Óãtv

I am a modest Monkey. I don't ask for much. I never even mention the date of my birthday to the rest of the Ouch team or even to you, my devoted fans. But observant readers of this blog have been sending me links to a news story about - deep breath - a .

Yes, you heard right. Let me just repeat that - a JET-POWERED WHEELCHAIR. Blimey, missus.

Never mind the iPod, those whizzy picture-messaging mobile phones or whatever shiny gadget is regarded as the latest consumer must-have - all I want a jet-powered wheelchair! Gimme! It can do speeds of more than 60 miles an hour! Can you even begin to imagine how fast I'd get round the supermarket in that thing? I must have one. Now.

Please send all your donations to the usual address. Please. I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my entire life. You could make a Crippled Monkey very happy.

It's another with percussionist Evelyn Glennie - from the Metro. Did you know that she doesn't like talking about being deaf? She feels music. Monkey is bored. Evelyn is cool though, yes? She's playing the Proms.

With the Edinburgh Fringe in full swing, it seems that the many shows by stand-up comics are attracting other stand-up comics into the audience. Ouch's very own Laurence Clark, who's currently up in the Scottish capital performing The Jim Davidson Guide to Equality at The Pod, went along to see fellow comedian Richard Herring (Fist of Fun, This Morning with Richard not Judy) at the same venue. You can read about what happened in from Richard's own weblog.

Broadcast, the weekly media industry journal, is reporting that Channel 4 have just commissioned an intriguing drama with disability at its heart.

Made by IWC Media, it is described as a "one-off drama about an ME sufferer and a wheelchair-bound war film fanatic with multiple sclerosis who get together to perform a terrorist act."

It stars Ewan Bremner (Trainspotting). And yes, we've noted the badly written description (sufferer bound). Let's hope the film is a bit more clued up than the person who wrote the synopsis.

What with cinema releases such as this week's After Life and October's , plus Paralympics TV and radio coverage and a whole slew of ±«Óãtv documentaries on disability in September ... it's like the whole world is going to be cripple-shaped this Autumn.

Crippled Monkey, being a monkey, was particularly excited to hear about this website (keep up with the pretence).

learns you how to speak sign language. Only it's not BSL (British Sign Language), it's ASL, American. And it's not proper ASL either, it's gorilla ASL. Yeah, the kind of ASL that arch President Bush might be learning later in life.

Oh, are you loving the freedom of speech in the Western world? Well, learn some more with Koko, then pop down to the zoo and have a chat with an ape. Deaf or hearing.

The great thing here is that if you are not a sign language user, after going to this website you'll be able to tap into any deep and meaningfuls that deaf zoo-goers might be having with the exhibits. Possibly.

A seven year-old boy could have been blinded and now has permanent scarring thanks to a Guide Dog fundraiser event going wrong, according to a local newspaper.

Under the headline , IC South London reports that Connor Clitheroe had to have plastic surgery after falling over in the playground of his Catford school while wearing cool sunglasses to support the charity's annual event. 13 July was a dark overcast day and Connor's sight was impaired further by wearing the shades which, they say, contributed to the unfortunate accident.

The newspaper stops short of paying homage to the irony that Shades For a Day is a campaign to promote good eye health. And Connor's family blast the school for being irresponsible.

Rumours are rife on the internet, in all those highly informed chat forums, that Democrat Senator John Kerry isn't fit to take on the role of US president because he has multiple impairments.

Post Vietnam Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, shoulder issues, general 'mentalness', lots more mentalness, plus - he's a Marfan!

Take a look at this and then weep. Weep for the souls of all Americans who might be led by someone rumoured to have Marfan Syndrome.

So, does he or doesn't he? Marfans are visually characterised by their longer limbs, fingers, toes and face - the original Latin name 'arachnodactyly' suggests (rather unflatteringly) that those 'with' are kinda spidery.

I contacted a colleague of mine who boasts this condition to check out whether or not she thinks Kerry is a Marf. She was very interested and immediately took to the web to check out various photos of the man.

Reporting back later, she said that although his face looks a bit marfy, and he's quite tall, his fingers don't look as if he's one of her clan.

Bush supporters continue to hit out at Kerry, bringing stamina and sickness issues to the fore as a reason why Kerry should not become US Commander-in-Chief. One commentator felt he had political dynamite by reminding us that US intelligence thinks has Marfan Syndrome too. Ooh, so that means Kerry could be a secret anti-American religious fundamentalist who wants all Americans dead, then? Gosh, now the seed has been planted I won't be voting for him. Not that I'm in America anyway.

So Osaama may have it, Kerry may have it - but they also say that celebrated 19th century President may have been Marfan. So you see kidz, you can have it if you're good or bad.