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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. The yellow brick road leads to a car park.
%3Ca%20href="https://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304066504576343420557189888.html">More details

2. Iron age man was into home brewing.
%3Ca%20href="/news/science-environment-13776499">More details

3. Astronauts get travel sick.
%3Ca%20href="/news/world-asia-pacific-13774967">More details
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4. Women don't see Porsche drivers as marriage material.
%3Ca%20href="/news/health-13795628">More details

5. Magpies can scold humans.
%3Ca%20href="/nature/13799041">More details

6. Men are the first to say 'I love you' in a new relationship.
%3Ca%20href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2004508/Men-say-I-love-relationships.html">More details (Daily Mail)

7. There is no music chart in India.
%3Ca%20href="/news/world-13808862">More details

8. Britain's most stolen vehicle is white-van-man's Ford Transit.
%3Ca%20href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/06/17/ford-transit-is-uk-s-most-stolen-vehicle-115875-23206331/">More details (Daily Mirror)

9. Tinkering with certain proteins could stop hair going grey.
%3Ca%20href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/8581231/Breakthrough-could-make-grey-hair-a-thing-of-the-past.html">More details (Daily Telegraph)

10. Britain's youngest undertaker is 16 years old.
%3Ca%20href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/uk/article3062026.ece">More details (The Times)

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I think a photo opportunity has been missed %3Ca%20href="/news/health-13779834">here.
James, London

Phew. I was worried about "%3Ca%20href="/news/technology-13798122">Virgin Tackles Infected Customers". A cut on my finger is a little gammy, but I do need to catch my train this afternoon...
Ian, Bristol

Gosh, not only does %3Ca%20href="/news/world-europe-13802940">he lead protests, but as the article says he is a stray, he must put on his own collar and tag.
Paul, Ipswich

I love that picture number 6 in the %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13791709">7 days quiz show a couple of ladybirds trying to reverse the serious decline mentioned in the question.
Ed Loach, Clacton, UK

Has the Magazine been having a rummage through the old CD collection recently, what with %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13780074">Bohemian Rhapsody and %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13780074">Ghost Town featuring?
Basil Long, Nottingham

Re: Luvies singing on public transport (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1175.shtml">Wednesday and %3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1176.shtml">Thursdays letters...oh, and Alex, Thursday, note correct spelling), please spare a thought for those of us who have to commute on the same train as the Brit School pupils. Every. Single. Weekday. Jazz hands! Adele covers! The horror, the HORROR...
Daniel, London

Dave-o (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1176.shtml">Thursday's Letters): Jon Singleton isn't undertaking. He is passing traffic in another lane which is moving more slowly than his own, and that is allowed under the Highway Code. (Lots of members of the Centre Lane Only Club out that day, I see). Indeed at the very end of the clip it appears that he is turning off the motorway. And you don't know he's using a mobile while driving - for all you know he may be the front seat passenger in an LHD car.
Timbo, In the slow lane

Duncan's only partially correct (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1176.shtml">Thursday's Letters). While the letters page is the place for pedantry, nobody ever said it was a safe place. It's open season on everyone.
Phil, Guisborough

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The competition is now closed. %3Ca%20href="https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/bsp/hi/pdfs/captioncompetitionrules22may.pdf">Full rules can be seen here [PDF].

This week it was children dressed up as smurfs in the Spanish village of Juzcar. Houses were also painted blue to promote new film The Smurfs.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Edmund Crispin
Pontin's - the early years.

5. Andy Hill
It suddenly dawned on Harry that his spell had gone badly wrong.

4. Candace9839
Ever wonder what the side effects of Spanish Fly were?

3. Vicky S
Michael Gove thought the Hatcademy schools were a jolly good idea, and was only waiting for someone to suggest a Glove Academy.

2. Manisha
Royal Ascot did not expect this when they allowed children to attend.

1. Its the school's Famous Quotes play and only half the cast have turned up. The punctuation marks wait anxiously for the quotations to arrive.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Finally, proof positive of broken Britain reaches Paper Monitor. But the "Battle Royal" announced by the Daily Mirror was not on some inner city sink estate but at one of the most prestigious days of the social calendar - Royal Ascot. Or "Bashcot" as the Sun renamed the famous horse racing event. %3Ca%20href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/">
For The Daily Express, the drunken brawl on Ladies Day "shamed the Berkshire course" on its 300th anniversary.
%3Ca%20href="https://https://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/253225/A-right-royal-punch-up-shocks-crowds-at-Ascot">

It wasn't just the men, some of the ladies - take a deep breath here - were not wearing hats and some were even sporting tattoos. It was all too much for the Daily Mail. "Tattooed men (and women), a celebrity call girl, a drunken brawl...whatever happened to a genteel day out at Ascot?" the paper asked before going on to describe the full horror of the scene: "A quick glance across the terraces reveals a sea of flesh and unsightly tattoos - of women in cheap, tawdry dresses and men who have shunned the expected top hat."
%3Ca%20href="https://https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2004421/Royal-Ascot-2011-Brawl-breaks-Ladies-Day-chair-legs-flying.html?ito=feeds-newsxml">

But what was the cause of such mindless violence that saw men clutching table legs and champagne bottles to engage in hand-to-hand combat? As the old French saying goes: "Cherchez la femme". Or in newspaper language - find me a sex angle. The Daily Telegraph revealed that "the fight was allegedly started over an attractive blonde woman in her twenties."

No-one suggested that the blonde was Helen Wood, the former escort girl connected with Wayne Rooney, but some papers suggested that her presence further lowered the tone. "Roo tart at Ladies' Day," screamed the Star. %3Ca%20href="https://https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/196317/Wayne-Rooney-tart-at-Ladies-Day-/"> It was enough to make one burst into tears.

Which footballer Michael Owen duly did when his horse, Brown Panther, won the day's last race. %3Ca%20href="https://https://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2011/jun/16/royal-ascot-michael-owen-brown-panther">
With her subjects spectacularly losing their emotional bearings, Paper Monitor can hardly bear to think what the Queen - watching from the Royal enclosure - must have been thinking.

So thank goodness for the Middletons. While all around, racegoers appeared to be losing their heads, hats and footing, step forward the Duchess of Cambridge's mother. She arrived in a horse-drawn carriage, was wearing a "demure" hat, sported no visible tattoos and never once threatened anyone with a champagne bottle. Another winning day for Britain's most famous commoners. As the Times puts it: "Carole Middleton leads the field on Ladies' Day".

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"%3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13775135">The British eat their way through 50 billion apples each year". I reckon that's about 1000 apples for each person in Britain. I don't eat apples, so can i say a big thankyou to whoever is eating my thousand!
Ed, Wakefield

With reference to today's %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine/">Quote of the Day, thank goodness the wart was on on his finger and not on his chin. Otherwise, we could be nominating him for the next Darwin Awards. What next? Does he harpoon himself next time he gets toothache or jump off a building to cure his fear of heights? Good grief!
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

%3Ca%20href="/news/uk-england-13753081">Great footage, but if I was Jon Singleton I wouldn't want to advertise that a) I undertake other motorway users, or b) quite blatantly use my mobile while I'm driving. Give that man three points! I'll get my hi-vis jacket...
Dave-o, London, England

Re: "Sodcasters and Sally's letter (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1175.shtml">Wednesday's Letters) - for anyone keeping a record of such things, I would like to confirm my recently updated "Top 2 public transport peeves", in reverse order: 2. Sodcasters. 1. Am-dram lovies singing show tunes
LC, London

"I am involved with a musical theatre group and find that if we are out en masse we tend to sing show tunes on public transport." (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1175.shtml">Wednesday's Letters). Another compelling reason not to use public transport.
Alex, Bishop Auckland

Re: Craig (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/not_firing_the_arrow.shtml">Tuesdays Letters), are you suggesting someone be loosed for that blunder? I'll get my quiver.
Obi, Halifax

Anyone attempting to deride Craig (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/not_firing_the_arrow.shtml">Tuesday's Letters) for encouraging the correct archery term should remember that the letters page of the Magazine Monitor is the correct forum for unleashing one's pedantry. Craig should be celebrated, and Alan should be ashamed for taking pride in his ignorance.
Duncan, Hove

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor can reveal it played no part in the engagement of footballer Frank Lampard and TV presenter Christine Bleakley - unlike the Daily Mirror, which claims that it %3Ca%20href="%3Ca%20href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2011/06/16/how-the-daily-mirror-played-cupid-to-frank-lampard-and-christine-bleakley-115875-23204176/">">"played cupid" to the couple.

The Daily Star gets in on the act by reminding readers that %3Ca%20href="https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/196153/Frank-Lampard-pops-the-question/">"way back in August" it predicted that the pair would wed. Given the amount of long-running speculation, the odds were pretty high.

Speaking of odds, the newspapers continue to feature Royal Ascot and bizarre hats. The Sun wins Ascot headline of the day with: "And they're off... their heads". The Sun reports that %3Ca%20href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3640370/Cops-drug-blitz-at-Royal-Ascot.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News">police have launched a crackdown on drug-use at the racecourse, so that the Queen can be spare the spectacle of punters getting high.

The article features a picture of a "drugs honesty box", but doesn't reveal how the narcotics will be disposed of.

The Times, in an editorial, moves on Wednesday's debate about Libyan officials' possible entitlement to London 2010 Olympics, by imagining the leaders of countries with human rights issues %3Ca%20href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/leaders/article3063466.ece">meeting up at a during the event . Under the headline: Means to an End - Villainous despots at the Olympic Games? Bring it on, the paper writes:

Syria and Belarus are also competing. As are Angola, Sudan and North Korea. That raises the prospect (unlikely, but nevertheless worth contemplating) of President Assad and President Lukashenko mingling over the canapes with President dos Santos, President al-Bashir and Kim Jong Il, a man whose taste for scantily clad women, fine food and Hennessy cognac rivals even that of the most hedonistic rap star. Gold medal winners in oppression, every last one of them.

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Regarding their comments on the proposed strike action from the teaching unions, the Department of Education would do well to remember that teachers are not there for babysitting purposes. Busy parents who feel themselves inconvenienced should be more concerned with their offspring's education.
Sarah l, IOW

Shocking news everyone! A woman has %3Ca%20href="/newsbeat/13773917">got married and changed her surname! I guess it's a slow news day.
AK, Ipswich

%3Ca%20href="/news/uk-13729995">Why do teenagers light fires? A lot of time and effort seemed to go into researching this question. During counselling Hulya (the firestarting teenage case-study) discovered she lit fires because she "wanted attention". Was this a surprise to anyone concerned in this story? Just about everything teenagers do is a cry for attention. I could have told them this and saved everyone a lot of time.
Martin, Bristol, UK

After %3Ca%20href="/news/world-us-canada-13772027">breaking up with Hugh Hefner it was really nice of his former fiancee to "wish him the best going forward". Or is this just a coded message? Maybe she wishes him to reverse his car under the wheels of an 18 wheeler truck.

Alan Addison, Glasgow, Scotland

Re: %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13762313">Tudor deaths. 1626 is probably too late to count, but my favourite death is that of Lord Bacon who caught pneumonia from alighting from a coach in midwinter to buy a chicken and stuff it with snow,to see if that preserved it. It might have, but didn't preserve him.
Julia Taylor, Bratton, Westbury, UK

Craig (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/not_firing_the_arrow.shtml">Tuesday's Letters), it might be that they were collecting burnt arrows. Occasionally fire arrows were loosed against flammable targets in the Tudor times. We really need more information on this one...
Andrew, Malvern, UK

Craig (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/not_firing_the_arrow.shtml">Tuesday's Letters), loosing may be the term that archery nerds use. The rest of us use firing. If it helps, I will get in touch with the OED and get them to update the definition of firing. Of course I will use your letter to help show that this usage of firing is valid.
Alan Addison, Glasgow, Scotland

Carrie (%3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/not_firing_the_arrow.shtml">Tuesday's Letters), I agree completely. I am involved with a musical theatre group and find that if we are out en masse we tend to sing show tunes on public transport. Sometimes we even get a round of applause. Maybe if the teenagers rapped the music themselves we would be more appreciative?
Sally, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

David Cameron said he wanted the doctors back in charge, and that is exactly what he got yesterday. The national press and their cartoonists are having a field day with the very public haranguing of Mr Cameron and his deputy Nick Clegg while on visit to a central London hospital.

The %3Ca%20href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3638313/David-Cameron-receives-ticking-off-from-a-furious-senior-doctor.html">Sun says the two men were at the hospital to relaunch their much-maligned health reforms but their "grovelling act was momentarily blown off course".

There they were, sleeves rolled up, chatting to a patient about his hip operation, when consultant orthopaedic surgeon David Nunn burst in and gave them a "withering dressing down" for allowing the news crew to ignore hygiene rules.

It was one of those great moments, which newspapers cannot resist, when a serious political message is overshadowed by a run-in - remember Gillian Duffy and Gordon Brown?

And it also lends itself to plenty of puns. The %3Ca%20href="https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/2011/06/15/david-cameron-and-nick-clegg-yelled-at-by-angry-doctor-during-hospital-visit-115875-23202034/">Daily Mirror headlines the story with "Rude operator stitches up politicians' visit". It has several freeze frames of the two men looking totally baffled when the angry doctor bursts on to the ward.

The %3Ca%20href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8576031/Leading-surgeon-interrupts-Cameron-hospital-visit.html">Daily Telegraph focused on two pictures - one showing the look of absolute shock on the prime minister's face, and the other showing a bow-tied Mr Nunn pointing his finger.

It was the first day of Royal Ascot yesterday, and according to the %3Ca%20href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2003369/Royal-Ascot-2011-Queen-leads-way-Royals-attend-day-horse-race.html">Daily Mail, feathers and fascinators emerged as the favourites among the fashionistas. However, there was no pretzel-shaped, show-stealing hat for Princess Beatrice, who went for "elegance over extravagance".

Breaking with tradition, Simon Kelner writes a rather different editorial in the %3Ca%20href="https://www.independent.co.uk/i/editor/letter-from-the-editor-the-inspiration-im-missing-2297399.html">i newspaper - the concise daily from The Independent. Rather than commenting on the big stories of the day, he talks about how he finds stuff to write about. "This is how my day goes. I ask my colleagues what they think I should write about today, hoping they'll supply the inspiration I'm missing. They scratch their chins for a few minutes..."

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I realy enjoyed the %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13762313">Tudor death piece, but had to raise an eyebrow when I saw the archery bit. People weren't killed as they went to 'collect the fired arrows' as your writer said.

The writer should have said 'died collecting the loosed arrows' as you loose, not fire arrows.

I am a keen archer and always get annoyed at this phrasing (Lord of the Rings being the worst perp).

The term 'firing' only came about as gunpowder and guns replaced bows and arrows, and stems from the gunpowder igniting. Before guns there was no firing, the term was loosing (as you're loosing the string).
Craig Melson, London, UK

I'm a young(ish) man %3Ca%20href="/news/health-13746860">who would love to give blood but because I'm gay and have a sex life, I'm banned as I'm supposedly a health risk. There are thousands of healthy gay men in the country who would love to give blood, but are unable because of this rule. Why am I banned but someone who sleeps around and doesn't take precautions deemed suitable? That's an angle missing from your story.
Darren, London

I have a suggestion for those bothered by %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13749313">the sodcasters which I have found to be successful in a similar situation. My neighbours have teenage boys and they seem to love, as soon as the sun shines, to sunbathe on their patio, with very loud, rap style music blasting through the neighbourhood. Polite requests were ignored. So I decided to give them a taste...!
I set our pretty powerful music system up next to the open window close to their patio, put Radio 3 on full blast and went out for the day. Never had a problem since! Maybe some brave souls should start singing opera, hymns or songs from the shows on the bus/tube to reclaim their territory?!

Carrie, Dumfries Scotland

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

He's stopped stroking the fluffy white cat and is running for the helipad on top of his secret bunker. For the national press, Mark Zuckerberg has morphed from the unstoppable man to a Bond villain whose world domination plan - 1 billion Facebook users - has finally hit the rocks.

"Status update: 'Facebook is losing its friends'" is the headline in the Times. After two consecutive monthly falls in the number of British users, "Facebook fatigue" is setting in according to the Daily Mail.

Forget that Facebook grew 160 per cent in India, overtook Google in the US last year, and has grown to 675 million users worldwide - easily the biggest social networking site in the world. But hidden within the Guardian's piece is the small matter of Facebook being banned in %3Ca%20href="https://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2011/jun/13/has-facebook-peaked-drop-uk-users">China. The game is up Mr Zuckerberg.

The battle of queens is waged in many of the papers today. Not that sideshow of the tennis but the nation's favourite summer sport - watching the wives and girlfriends' game plan in the players' box.

While Andy Murray played a few ground strokes on court, all eyes were on his girlfriend Kim Sears. The Daily Mail thought she provided a "dramatic display". At times the paper found it hard to watch as she worked her way through a "visible rollercoaster of emotions" that served up laughter, cheers and grimacing. In a thoughtful touch, the paper offered the 23 year-old literature graduate some crucial advice - "%3Ca%20href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2003020/Queens-Club-2011-Andy-Murrays-girlfriend-Kim-Sears-produces-dramatic-display.html">remember to breathe".

For the Daily Telegraph, Sears went from "frustration to joy". It's the perfect warm up for her fortnight of trial by camera when Wimbledon begins next week. As long as she remembers to breathe, of course.

The Sun is unable to stop sniffing around the "pert rear" that "wowed millions". In a story headlined "I'm Outta Rear" the paper says that Pippa Middleton, %3Ca%20href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3635903/Pippa-Middleton-to-move-abroad-after-split-from-Alex-Loudon.html?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News">having split from her boyfriend is set to move abroad for overseas adventure. This one will run and run.

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Stories such as "%3Ca%20href="/news/uk-england-norfolk-13748477">RSPCA Norfolk condemns deliberate duck attacks" should come with a warning. Horrific.
Helen, N

"Why are bars of %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13725050">soap and chocolate getting smaller?" Because we are cleaner and fatter than our forefathers?
Henri, Sidcup

Re: The incredible %3Ca%20href="/news/magazine-13725050">shrinking shopping baskets - why are soap and chocolate bars getting smaller? I'd rather pay more for the same amount of chocolate. But then I *like* chocolate.
Ian Oliver %3Ca%20href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/±«Óãtv-News-Magazine/80758950658">@±«Óãtv News Magazine

According to an anonymous source, known to us only as "Keith", reported in %3Ca%20href="/news/uk-england-13723005">this page: "They didn't manage to get any of our names in the end." Oh, but they possibly did get *some* of them. "Emma Firth, from Farnham, who is eight months pregnant" for example. There can't be many beautiful, pregnant ladies from there with that name. So SW Trains know at least one ex-passenger they can send they policemen after. I wonder if they can request the notes of the ±«Óãtv web-page writers to find a few others? Or, of course, they could always use clips from the ubiquitous CCTV eyes and request help from Crimewatch viewers. Or they could just be patient and use "stop and search" powers the next time they see you and one of their trains. There is bound to be *something* they can stop you for, and reading and recording the information on the cards in your wallet doesn't take very much effort. Keith, old son, if they care they can know who you are very, very quickly. Your advantage? Most of the time you just aren't worth the effort.
John, England

"%3Ca%20href="/news/world-europe-13725016">President Nicolas Sarkozy visited farmers for the first time since the drought began on Thursday." Wow. What would happen if it doesn't rain for two days?
Carl, Crepy, France

I'm sure I must have missed it, but has nobody said "%3Ca%20href="/news/uk-13728375">Knight to see you, to see you knight"?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

I noticed the %3Ca%20href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/06/your_letters_1173.shtml">rain Su (Friday's Letters), some of it was pouring through the roof into my bedroom this morning.
M. Ross, Lancaster, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

A certain bar bill features heavily in the newspapers today. This might not surprise those who know model Kate Moss had her hen party this weekend.

Run up after a %3Ca%20href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2002783/Royal-Wedding-Zara-Phillips-groom-Mike-Tindall-racks-20k-bar-stag-marathon.html">five-hour drinking session and costing $20,000 (around £12,000), according to the Daily Mail, it includes a $825 (£508) bottle of vintage Perrier-Jouet Brut Millesime, Dom Perignon Rose '96 costing $1,395 (£859), ten bottles of vodka, ten bottles of Patron tequila, a bottle of sambuca and 34 cans of Red Bull.

But the real shocker is not the cost, rather the fact that it's not Moss's bar bill at all. It's that of Mike Tindall, the next commoner due to join the Royal Family. It's just seven weeks before he walks the Queen's granddaughter Zara Phillips down the aisle and he was in Florida for his stag do.

As the Daily Mail puts it, he "showed little sign of making any concessions to royal decorum on an alcohol-drenched stag weekend". He got trashed is how Paper Monitor likes to put it. In the time-honoured tradition of stag parties, there is even a picture of him in a tutu. One that had belonged to a waitress a few seconds before. The Daily Mirror even has one of him asleep at the dinner table after the bender. Classic.

Kate, on the other hand, was much more careful about the press at her hen do at the Isle of Wight festival. There are very few pictures of her celebrations, just one of the %3Ca%20href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/3633240/Kate-Moss-ends-hen-night-in-Priory.html">supermodel on a fairground ride in the Sun. And the best the paper can do when it comes to price tags is how much was spent on a meal at a local hotel. Her guests chipped in £45 each to tuck into risotto and chicken terrine, then main courses of lobster, crab and roast dinners accompanied by red and white wine.

But don't be fooled into thinking it was a sober affair, one little detail has emerged that means Moss keeps her party queen crown. Apparently 180 bottles of rum had to be delivered by helicopter to her own backstage VIP area. That was after the hens had polished off the 120 bottles that were already there. See Tindall, that's how you celebrate your last days as a singleton. Lightwieght.

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