Paper Monitor
12:04 UK time, Wednesday, 11 May 2011
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor is feeling vituperative. It's been that sort of morning.
Just as well, then, that Paper Monitor can always turn to Fleet Street for a healthy dose of bile.
Here, for instance, in the Sun's Bizarre showbiz column, is Noel Gallagher of defunct popular beat combo Oasis.
Mr Gallagher, a noted supporter of Manchester City FC, is displeased to learn that Gary Neville, formerly a player with city rivals United - whose fans include Mick Hucknall, lead singer with Simply Red and, allegedy, many inhabitants of the London metropolitan area - quoted Oasis lyrics
The lead guitarist shrugs off any inclination to hold back:
I feel violated. If Mr Neville continues to use the holy scriptures of Oasis to communicate with the Cockney massive, I shall be forced to come up to Cheshire in the middle of the night, break into his house, tie him to a chair, make him listen to the Best Of Simply d(Red)ful while I pull his tash out one grey hair at a time (with my teeth).
Sometimes, however, spleen is more effectively vented more subtly.
"Jemima Khan says she is 'trapped in a bloody nightmare' over false claims she is having an affair with Jeremy Clarkson," says .
"I sympathise, but it could be a lot worse: imagine the even bloodier nightmare of actually having an affair with Jeremy Clarkson."
Stuart Jeffries of the Guardian is in a similar frame of mind as , characterising one contestant as "a sexy wheeler-dealer trapped in a beardy accountant's body" and predicting another will "either win or be fired in week seven and led from the boardroom shouting: 'You're nobodies! I'm the future!' Ideally the latter".
Mr Jeffries continues:
Despite myself, I always love The Apprentice's first episode. All that youthful ritualised boasting before they are thumped by the comedy boxing glove on a stick of experience. By episode two I get sick of the little horrors and yearn for Sugar to whimsically fire them all in one go, compelling the ±«Óãtv to screen reruns of The Woodentops for the foreseeable.
Paper Monitor feels better now.
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