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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It’s been a while since Paper Monitor turned its attentions to headlines so comprehensive there’s no need to read any further.

So instead here’s a new genre - headlines so audacious in their plotting and cliff-hanger construction that you can’t help but read further.

The Daily Telegraph, on which Paper Monitor seems to be developing something of a schoolboy/girl crush, is of course a prime exponent of the art:

“GUILTY AS HELL: THE STARS’ FRIEND WHO KNEED EX-LOVER IN A PUBLIC PLACE�

Sounds painful.

As if this wasn’t enough to grab the reader by the eyeballs, this tale is further accessorised with not one but two photos of a blonde filly very much to the Telegraph’s taste. But in both photos she smashes the mould comprehensively, by clutching a toddler (hers) clad in an anti-G8 T-shirt, and drenched in fake blood at an anti-hunting protest.

And the article itself intriguingly starts: “Ever since the former ‘It’ girl Birgit Cunningham threw a chocolate éclair at the politician Nick Brown she has been known for direct action.�

Now Paper Monitor has hitherto been unfamiliar with her work, but waddagal! It transpires that the friend to Liz Hurley and Jemima Khan kneed her billionaire ex in the groin DURING their child maintenance case. Just don’t tell Fathers4Justice, mmm-kay?

(Incidentally, a special mention for gratuitous blonde filly usage goes to Metro, which illustrates its story of a teacher cleared of pupil sex with a massive pic of her glamour model sister.)

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