Itâs exam season. Your kids are stressed. łÛŽÇłÜâr±đ stressed. And no matter what you say to try and help, it always seems to end in a huge row.
łÛŽÇłÜâr±đ only trying to be supportive, but perhaps without knowing it, certain phrases and questions can actually be less helpful than youâd think.
We spoke to former head of psychology at Glasgow Caledonian University, Cynthia McVey, to walk us through some of these examples, and provide alternatives if youâre feeling at a loss.
âDonât worry, youâll be fineâ
On the face of it, this could seem like quite a reassuring thing to say. In the grand scheme of things, they probably will be fine after all.
The thing is though, as Dr McVey says, it just doesnât mean anything: âWhat does that mean? Will they be fine because theyâll pass everything or does it mean theyâll be fine whatever happens?
â99.9% of children are going to worry anyway⊠itâs quite a nerve wracking thing for themâ.
Her advice is to acknowledge that itâs stressful, but they can only do their best, and thatâs enough.
âThe bar is set much lower these days - exams were much harder when I was at school.â
âEurgh.â That pretty much sums up Dr McVeyâs response.
The long version is that itâs just not the case, and even if theyâve heard it from other people, they shouldnât have to hear it from you.
The best thing to say according to her is: âYour exams are challenging you in the same way as exams have always challenged people.â
"Shouldnât you be revising?â
Itâs normal to be concerned about your childâs success, and to be curious as to how theyâre doing, but this probably isnât the best way to do it.
Dr McVeyâs advice is to offer help at the start of the process, but not to force it upon them: âAsk them instead: âDo you have a plan?â and then ask if you can help with it.â
She also suggested offering to create a quiet space in the house or, if there isnât room for one, suggesting you take them to the library. But, if they refuse your help, donât insist!
The key according to Dr MvVey is: âTreat them as adults⊠say: âłÛŽÇłÜâr±đ grown up now. You can take responsibility, and we can help you in any way you want us to.â
âItâll all be over soonâ
This oneâs a bit tricky: âIf you have a child whoâs very anxious, itâs not a bad thing to say itâs a short period, weâve got a holiday coming up⊠but some children might panic and think theyâre short of time.â
So, a bit of a minefield then. Dr McVeyâs advice is to use your own judgement as to what your childâs nature is, and what theyâll need as a result of that.
âAre you sure thatâs the best way to revise?â
Are you sure you want to start a massive argument?
Dr McVey says that your kid needs to be the one in charge: âItâs often better if itâs directed by the children themselves⊠We might revise differently to them.â
A good example is with music - you might think that they canât possibly be getting anything done if their speakers are blasting at full volume, but as , for some kids it can really help their learning.
Finally, she said: âLeave them to it, and trust that the school has prepared them and showed them how to revise.â
There's lots of advice for students on studying, revising and sitting exams from ±«Óătv Bitesize.
âLesleyâs child has been doing this/got these grades when they did their exams.â
How often should you say this according to Dr McVey? âNever.â
Wanting to say it is of course understandable, as âitâs frustrating for parents when their children do not perform to the best of their ability.â
But comparing them with other kids will only make them feel unsupported and judged, and to be honest, itâs probably something thatâs crossed their minds already: âChances are high that they will know about the performance of other children around them.â So just donât do it, basically.
âI expect you to getâŠâ
âNo, no, no!â
Clearly, Dr McVey thinks laying expectations at your childâs feet isnât necessarily the best approach. How well your teenager performs is up to them, and you canât force them to see it from your point of view.
Besides, she said sometimes disappointment can be a good thing: âTheyâve learned something as a result of failure - I donât really like that word but it will all be a learning experience if you donât do as well as youâd like.â
Her advice? If theyâre not necessarily exam-minded people, then they âneed to find careers where their character and brightness and alertness and other great qualities can shine through⊠to each their own.â
âYouâll regret it if you donât put any effort in!â
âItâs true, but I donât think you can say it!â
Dr McVeyâs advice is that âyou canât put an old head on young shouldersâ - in other words, you canât expect the truth of this to be useful to someone who hasnât been through it yet.
Instead, âall you can do is say I know youâll want to do the best you can⊠thatâs much more productive.â
What about whatâs helpful?
Dr McVey says itâs all about being supportive, gently reminding them to schedule time for rest as well as work, but always letting them take the lead.
But how about after their exams? If they donât do as well as they thought they would, make sure to âkindly manage their distressâ and remind them that thereâs âalways the opportunity to do them next year.â
Life lessons in delayed gratification are no bad thing, so if they do have to resit, all that needs to be said is: âEnjoy your summer, take a deep breath and do them again.â
This article was published in 2019
More from ±«Óătv Bitesize Parents' ToolkitâŠ
Parents' Toolkit
Fun activities, real-life stories, wellbeing support and loads of helpful advice - we're here for you and your child.
How to tackle anxiety with Dr Anna
Calming techniques to help parents and children manage their anxiety.
How to revise away from your desk
You don't have to be chained to your bedroom when getting that study done.
Five ways to help your kids kick-start revision
If you're a parent, how you can support your teenager this exam season?
Five ways to motivate your teen to study at home
Getting teens motivated to study can be difficult. Natasha Devon provides some tips on how you can support your child.
Mental health first aid kit for parents: Who to ask and what to do
Worried that your child needs help with their mental health? Here's how you can access professional help and support your child while you wait.